Saturday, December 31, 2016

Bit By Bit

About three months ago I ran across some sheet music to a song my husband loved. A friend had encouraged me to use music to help in my grieving process so I was digging through some old stuff. I felt strongly that I needed to sing this specific song at church so I started practicing. I've only sung a solo for a good size group two other times in my life and it was terrifying both times. The feeling persisted and I worked on the song and contacted the person who organizes that stuff and two weeks later I was up on the stand wondering how in the world I was going to get through it. I was very emotional for the start and felt a little sad that my voice and my courage faltered. My accompanist was amazing and helped me along so much.

After it was over I wanted to quickly leave and avoid people’s comments, I felt would be awkward but felt strongly I needed to practice being a gracious receiver so I stayed until the end of the meeting. I was surprised at how many people said "you did so well, I know that was hard so I was praying for you." I thought I had been impressed to sing because someone needed the message of the song but after pondering it for a couple days I came to understand that my initial impression was only part of the reason. As with many things, when God directs us to do something it accomplishes many things.

There were people who needed the message of the song. There were people who needed to see my example of persisting when you are given a seemingly impossible task. But the greatest beneficiary of my work, in the end, was me. I realized that Heavenly Father used this experience as an opportunity for me to show my ward family that even though it has been almost five months since Matt's passing it is still very fresh and I am hurting and need their prayers. I was amazed at the power I have felt from their prayers this week and amazed that something I put so much heart and effort into without really understanding why became a huge blessing to me. The most amazing thing is that I had a question that Heavenly Father gave me an answer bit by bit as I was ready to receive it.

Many times the answers don't come all at once. The scriptures use the phrase line upon line. We receive each piece of the puzzle as we're ready and seek it. As we continue to ask and seek the pieces begin to form a picture and we see how it all fits together. I'm so grateful for this process. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who wants to teach me and does when I open my mind to learn.

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

I've noticed lately that we focus a great deal on how we treat others. Whether it's our religious beliefs or karma or whatever it seems like many of us get the fact that we should try to treat others with kindness. So why is it that we are taught to treat others kindly but we rarely talk about how we talk and think about ourselves?

I have never really liked mirrors. I feel like I've made peace with many of my quirks but for so e reason I avoid mirrors unless I need them for something specific. A friend challenged me to post a video for a class I'm taking and they show the little picture in the bottom corner of you and I realized I'm a little insecure of my physical appearance. It's not something that really bothers me so I just don't spend much time fixing myself up in the morning...and I tend to avoid mirrors.

Audra Clegg shared the following poem during a Sunday school lesson and it really struck me:

The Man In The Glass by Anonymous

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
and the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
who judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts the most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass

Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum
and call you a wonderful guy
But the guy in the glass says you're only a bum
if you can't look him straight in the eye

He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest
for he's with you clear up to the end
And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world down the pathway
of life and get pats on the back as pass
But your final reward will be heartaches and
tears if you've cheated the man in the glass.

If we want to make the man (or woman) in the glass our friend it is important to change the way we judge our self. A college roommate (so sad I can't remember which one) gave me the following guideline to follow: When you think or say something about yourself think, would I say that about someone else...to their face? If it is something hurtful we probably wouldn't say it and we should give our self the same courtesy as we want to be friends with the man in the glass.

Please, please, please just try it. You are worth this experiment. Your value is determined not by how others see you but by how you see yourself. Please come back here and share how it went. I'd love to know how this affects you as it really changed the way I think about myself. I'm going to work on feeling more comfortable with the mirror by smiling at myself I am excited to see how it goes.

Friday, December 9, 2016

My LDS Missionary Service-Learning The Language

After a night at the mission home in a bunk house with five other sisters we loaded our things in the back of a truck (flete) and headed for the bus station. It was a busy place and it was crowded. The buses were old school buses that had been painted up and had a destination painted on the front. One of the Elders threw my suitcase on his back and climbed up the ladder to put it on top of the bus after the man who usually does it refused to help unless we paid him (they see Americans and think dollar signs). The bus ride was about an hour through winding mountain roads through San Felipe where our district leaders hopped on the bus and took us to San Martin. They were coming to take us to what was to be our home for the next four and a half months.

I remember those first few weeks as bits and pieces of conversations. I would catch words here and there and have simple conversations with people but my vocabulary was quite limited and when we would teach a lesson my companion would reteach anything I taught. I thought I was doing okay until one night we were visiting with a family and I had learned that if I asked questions I would at least be able to guess at the answer and thus follow the conversation. I was sitting visiting with a three or four year old child struggling to understand what he was saying when he stopped, looked me straight in the face and said, "no me intiendes," you don't understand me. Then he turned and walked away. I understood those three words perfectly and knew my grasp of the language was doing even worse than I'd thought if a child could tell I was clueless.

This was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I had always prided myself on what a good student I was. Being intelligent was such a big part of my identity and he I was thousands of miles from anyone and anything familiar looking clueless. We were highly encouraged to speak only Spanish outside of our apartment so for a time I felt like I lived in a haze of swirling words I didn't understand. On top of this I spent all day, every day with a companion that was six feet tall and walked like she had somewhere really important to be ALL THE TIME. After two weeks of this I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I remember one day in particular hearing a word several times and trying to figure out what it meant. I kept saying go myself, I need to ask when we get home what this word means but by the time the day was done the word was long forgotten. I finally got brave one day and asked my companion what this derepente word meant and she spent the next ten minutes trying desperately to explain it to me without saying the English translation. She said something like it means that something isn't and then it is. I laugh about how ridiculous this was now but at the time I'm sure it frustrated us both. The word means suddenly. I share this experience because it was a difficult process to submerge yourself in a language even after nine weeks of intense language training.

The newness passed and every day I prayed I'd be given the gift of tongues and it would all make sense and it did get easier a little at a time and I had even learned enough that when my time in San Martin ended I had developed close friendships with a handful of people who are still a part of me today. Yet another difficult process in my life that was well worth the effort.

Doing The Impossible

Over the past two weeks I’ve recognized a pattern of being asked to do some seemingly impossible task and it miraculously happening. Last Tuesday I was praying and asked what I was to do that day, (this is something I was challenged to do by a friend and I’ve been amazed what I have been guided to do). The answer was go to the temple. Then I thought, okay, so how is this going to happen. I made a phone call and within 20 minutes someone was at my house watching my two-year-old so I could drive to Bellevue to spend time at the temple. I had no idea how much I needed the peace and quiet I found there but God did and He made a way for me to be able to go.

Sometime later in the week I was asked if I could sing in church next Sunday. Singing in church terrifies me but I felt strongly that I need to do it and had submitted a song the week before. I admitted I had no accompanist but would work on it. I prayed again asking how this was going to happen and was given a name. We rehearsed on Sunday after church while other friends watched my monkeys and it's going to work out fine.

Two days ago when I prayed I was told that the dog needs to travel with us for Christmas and I thought, that's CRAZY! We've had full care of the dog for a week and didn't have a crate and I’m still learning to trust and train the dog. Long story short, we now have two crates that were given to us along with two bags of dog food and flee medicine. And my sister and parents said they’d be happy to help us with the dog over the holiday break when we come.  How does this stuff even happen?  Amazing!

The last impossible task I was given was teaching an art class on clay to 20 third graders. I spent the day before listening to tutorials on working clay because I knew NOTHING. There were also quite a few frantic texts to my artist friend trying to figure out if I bought the right stuff. Just to keep things interesting, my six-year-old woke up with a fever and a friend who was sick herself ended up hanging out with him so I could go teach. The class was today.  It was super messy but the kids had a blast. And there was a guest teacher so the actual teacher didn’t see how messy it was so she may allow us to do it again.

One of my favorite Book of Mormon prophets is Nephi. He taught us that when God has a work for us He prepares the path for us to accomplish it. “…for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Nephi 3:7) I've really experienced the truthfulness of this principle these past two weeks. When He asks us to do something He prepares a way for it to happen.  I KNOW this is true.  I have seen it MANY times in my life.

Just as Peter walked on water when Christ called to Him, we can truly do things that seem impossible. You may think you're not capable of such things but remember Peter was just a fisherman but God had bigger plans for him. What does He have planned for you?

Read More Here:

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Finding Light In Spiritually Dark Times

My Hands Are Tied