I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub...And That's Okay!

It's evening and I feel the anxiety coming on, that feeling of being wound so tight my neck and shoulders are a mass of tense muscles, my knees start to feel like they're going to buckle and give out on me, I've given all I had today and it's time to sit in a hot bath and soothe my nerves before I explode in a mess of shouting which eventually leads to crying and wondering how I'm going to do it again tomorrow.  How did I become the girl who hides from the world in her bathtub?

I had the realization today that I am, indeed, the girl who hides in the bathtub, but along with that came the realization that I am many other things too. I am the girl who loves to read Dr. Seuss, to sing at the top of my lungs, to feel the sun on my face and to talk on the phone. I am the girl who loves baked goods and country music and playing tennis. I am many good things. I am also the girl who grieves for my husband, who feels inadequate to be a solo parent, who gets really stressed by crowds, who dreads conversations with people who don’t understand my daily struggles and fears the depth of pain I feel in the silence of every quiet night.

I am that girl who feels ten years older then I am because of what I've been through and that's okay. We all have parts of ourselves that we love and parts we don't. We all have flaws and inconsistencies and bad moments we look back on and think, "I should have handled that differently." What I have discovered is that we can find beauty in the flaws, in the days where we just get through and the moments we're just grateful to have survived. 

Brenee Brown explained, "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our whole heartedness - actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls." 

I love this idea of our falls, our fails and our difficult moments being part of what makes us whole. If we didn't have challenges to face, moments of weakness or tiredness or inexperience would we progress?  Who would we be? Would our character have depth? Would we acquire problem solving skills and patience (still working on that one myself)? What would we become? 

Tomorrow when I look in the mirror I want to see the girl that has flaws but understands it's part of being the girl who is WHOLE and that is a great thing.

Read More:

Finding Light In Dark Times

The Road Less Traveled

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Just One Step

I can't draw to save my life and if it's not a wall I can't paint either.  My artistic skills are great as long as we're talking about piano or writing. We were sitting in church on Sunday and I was watching my 8 year old do a dot to dot.  I kept looking at it trying to figure out what the picture was and I could not figure it out.  As I sat a thought came to my mind that God works with us in our lives like a dot to dot.  He doesn't ask us to look at the picture and try to figure out what it is. He asks us to connect #1 to #2 then once we've done that he asks us to take one more step, connect #2 to #3.  He understands where we are in our progression and He guides us one step at t time and there are times when we really can't see why #539 connects to #540 as we can't see the big picture but He can, I know He can see the whole picture, I know he understands what I need to learn right now.  This knowledge does not prevent challenging days in my life, I still struggle on a regular basis.  I still have moments when I feel unequal to the task, but I have hope that in the end I will be able to see the finished picture and it will all make sense.  

The first verse of this Hymn solidifies this idea: 

 Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me.

When we ask to see the distant scene, the whole picture, often times it doesn't come but we can ask what the next step is and do that. I get overwhelmed thinking about the future but I can do one thing that God asks every day.  I can keep connecting the dots in my life until the master plan is revealed.  In the end God will make something beautiful out of my scribbles because He directed each line and together we will make a masterpiece.

Another great resource to help you take just one step at a time is the book Healing After Loss:Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I remember her touching on this same concept that physically walking and literally taking one step and then another helps prove to our mind and heart that we can go on. (I borrowed it from my local library.)

Read More Here:

The Road Less Traveled

Finding Light in Our Spiritually Dark Times

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Safe Spaces

Today I needed an outing. We cleaned house and packed a lunch and headed to a city park located on Puget Sound. I had felt strongly that it's time to get past the feeling that something is wrong when we go out as a family. The plan is to take day trips on Saturdays. Everyone must participate and we have to spend some time outside.

As we were driving we got to talking about the apartment where we lived when I had my first child, the job I had during that pregnancy and the library we walked to in my first three years of motherhood. Before I knew it we were talking about Matt and where he worked. We took a side trip and visited the airport where they park the planes before final delivery and they had two of the completed aircraft parked near the parking lot.

I was amazed at how interested the boys were in this airplane. I told them everything I could remember about it and pointed out the specific parts their dad helped design. I told them about the day I went to clean out his desk and how his manager said by helping design this military aircraft he literally helped make the world a better place. Their eyes lit up at that and I realized that something special was happening. Somehow in the telling of those memories and those facts they felt connected to their father.

When you lose someone close to you there are times when those memories are very painful and there are times when those memories promote healing. I remember laughing through tears during the funeral at the stories my brother-in-law told. As I have worked to understand what's happening in my heart and mind I realized that somewhere in my grief journey I let go of enough of the pain that the memories don't hurt so much and that happened by choosing to process the painful parts until only the good remained...or at least the pain was tolerable.

This process happened as I found safe places to talk through my grief; as I learned who the people were that would listen without judgement and without trying to fix my grief (it's not something you fix, it's a journey you undertake). Today I felt blessed, even if for only a short time, to be that place for my children. 

Many shy away from the subject but that doesn't help either (I know, I’ve tried). Even the avoidance of the painful subject can cause pain as you exclude the mourners and that is painful. Invite but don't pry, support but don't linger unless needed, and be patient as the individuals are embarking on a difficult journey. Create safety when you can and know they have little to give some days but they still need to be loved.