God Found Me Today

 Evey once in a while I start to get really down on myself; maybe it's because I've been stretched a little thin or I've been taking more on than usual or I've fallen through on some commitments that were important to me. This week was no exception. For my first two months of work I was very kind to myself letting things go undone at home because I had just started working 30 hrs/week and knowing I was pushing my limits with what I could cram into a day. I'd stocked up my pantry really well before February hit and was feeling pretty good about life. As March began I starting thinking, "what can I do to fit in my house cleaning and errands so things are still getting done." I began hitting the grocery store or another store in the AM before work so things were getting done. I made my evenings a bit more productive and it seemed like everything was working okay. I tweaked the way we're doing chores at home so the boys get paid a commission if they do seven house chores a week (one for each day). They also have to clean and vacuum their rooms and put away their laundry to earn their weekly commission. I thought I had it all figured out. Then last Monday hit and as I was leaving a co-worker said, "aren't you late to pick up kids." I had forgotten it was Monday and everyone gets out an hour early on MOnday. Then on Saturday Jacob had FSY kickoff and they got done at 7:30 at the stake center, I arrived at 7:51 to pick him up.  Not my best moments.

This morning as I was carefully walking around the house trying not to agrivate a back injury (I strained/tweeked something yesterday and have been limping around since) I was thinking about how I feel about the gospel. Old Testiment has been hard for me to read and teach. So many of the stories seem a little crazy and I feel like my attitude about it is affecting the spirit in my home. I was also feeling a little sorry for myself about the whole "dead husband" thing and had had some not so encouraging conversations about it through the week. So today I turned on the "Come Follow Me For Us" podcast as it usually lifts my spirits and one of the first things she says in each podcast is that the purpose of the "Come Follow Me" manual is to build our faith in Christ and strengthen our relationship with him as he beckons, "come follow me." This must have struck a chord with me as another sister had pointed out during a frustrated discussion on FB about the sealing issue that maybe we were worrying about the wrong things and needed to focus less on our inability to have a specific blessing we sought (being able to be sealed to more than one man while alive) and focus more on keeping the covenants we've already made and making those alive and working in our lives.  This tied in so well to a story told on the podcast by a ten year old boy whose parents had been called as mission presidents and they didn't yet know where they were to be sent. He was upset when they told him and he went upstairs and opened his scriptures to a random page. As he shared his story I was touched by how he understood and fully expected to receive an answer to his question. He faithfully was seeking comfort and understanding. He shared the answer he found that talked about working in the vineyard and how because he had worked in the vineyard he would find joy in working in the vineyard. He said, "I don't know if this is what this means but this is what it meant to me." He explained that his answer was that he'd been doing good work and the opportunity to to on a mission as a mission president's son was a blessing that he was being given because of the righteous choices he'd made and it brought him peace.

As I heard this story I was thinking about how I've not felt guided and helped and immediately the thought came to my mind that I forgot to pick up my kid on Monday, I was a full hour late but he had gone home with a friend whose mom had texted me and I didn't even feel stressed when all of this was happening.  One of my biggest goals for the past three years has been to have grace for myself and others. The spirit blessed me to not feel guilt or stress about what had happened with either of my sons this week and is helping me to learn to be more forgiving of myself and others understanding more fully that we make mistakes and will continue to do so on this mortal journey. When those challenges are met with kindness and patience (even with ourselves) the situation can be resolved so much quicker and smoother than when we loose our patience (which still happens often to me). 

As I continued to ponder how my heart has been changing I remembered putting my own name on the prayer roll the last time I was in the temple and the simple prayers I'd said this week for my kids (in my head as we're running out the door). The spirit testified to me that I am able to receive inspiration, answers and help on the daily as I seek it. I am not so lost that God has forgotten or forsaken me. I have questions that I still seek answers and I have pain and anger that is yet to be fully healed from my loss but I also have hope in complete healing and the ability to search for and find answers and support when I need it most.

I know that God is real. I know He loves us and sent His Son to die for us so we can make mistakes and repent and continue to move forward. I know They are both there for us through the good and the difficult in as much as we will allow them to be. What I know that I am most grateful for is that they continue to reach out to us in love when we turn away from them in anger and despair.  They are always there.

Holding To Faith

 I was asked to speak to our church congregation on the topic of "Doubt Not, Fear Not, Faith in Jesus Christ Can Move Mountains." This is what I shared.

How in the world did I end up here!?! Have you ever looked at you life and wondered that? I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself this question over the years. Seriously, how did I get here?

I didn't desire to serve a mission, I was three years into my degree at BYU-Idaho and had made a plan to continue my education, graduate with my MBA and prep for the CPA (apparently I had a thing for getting letters behind my name.) Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. For months I argued with the Lord, insisting I wasn’t cut out for this kind of work. He gently guided me to the realization that this was the next step for me.

After 18 months of intense spiritual growth that taught me the importance of leaning on the Lord and that strength and healing were available through His atonement I was ready to jump into my next phase of life. I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did,  He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden it just didn't feel right.

I graduated from BYU-Idaho and moved to WA state. There I met my best friend and we were married. The next seven years were a whirlwind of simple happy times and normal everyday challenges. We had two children and bought our first home. Then we hit a road block. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery, and they told us to hope it didn't come back. Two and half years later, without warning, he got blood clots and in 48 hours, his mortal journey ended. I became a widowed at age 33. 

My first year of widowhood I pressed forward, convinced that if I could get through the year of firsts on my own it would get easier. I read amazing stories about people's lives post loss and I found comfort in that. I imagined God had something in store for me and assumed that meant finding a new husband and one day writing an inspirational Ensign worthy story about how God had this amazing plan for me and how it all made perfect sense. That was not to be. 

I'll spare you the details of the miserable next two years but know it was full of tears, anger, frustration, discouragement, and disappointment. Why hadn't God given me my Ensign story? Why hadn't he made my life and my family whole again? Why had God not moved my mountain of grief and brought about the miracle of healing to my soul?

I had SO many questions. As the years went on there were many ups and downs and many moments of questioning my faith. The biggest question was, "how do I continue to have faith in a God who allowed this to happen?"

It’s been five years since my best friend became my guardian angel and it has been a long road. Today I’d like to share with you some of the things that helped me hold to faith though this journey.

Brothers and Sisters do you remember Pres Uchdorf’s powerful invitation to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith? (“Come Join With Us,” Ensign Nov 2013.)  I took this invitation into my broken heart and held to the principles I knew to be true. First off, I knew God was there, even on my angriest days I knew He was there. I even directed my anger at Him for a time and He was still there loving me as only He could. I also knew my Savior loves me, He loves me SO much that He was willing make His life’s work making it possible for you and me to return to live with our Heavenly Father again. There are times when emotions are so powerful that it is hard to feel God’s love but it is so important to strive to feel it, to desire to feel it, and to ask in prayer that we can feel it. When we feel that love, it changes our world.

I made a quote wall in my bedroom and I would copy down words from the scriptures and general conference quotes and place them where I could see them each day when I needed a little extra strength. Some of my favorites were:

“…the Lord has blessed us…with all the power, gifts and strength that are needed…” -Bonnie Oscarson (Ensign Nov 2016)

“All crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving.” Neil A Maxwell (Notwithstanding our Weakness)

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

 “Knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience…The most difficult times of our lives are building blocks of a strong foundation.” -Didier F.Uchtdorf

Another tool I found helpful in holding to faith is looking back at old journal entries and specifically thinking back on spiritual experiences I had had when I had been directed and received answers to my prayers and my testimony had been strengthened.

Elder Anderson taught, “from time to time, God powerfully and very personally assures each of us that He knows us and loves us and that He is blessing us specifically and openly. Then, in our moments of difficulty, the Savior brings these experiences back into our mind.”

He further explains, “You might think of your spiritual memories this way. With constant prayer, a determination to keep our covenants, and the gift of the Holy Ghost, we navigate our way through life. When personal difficulty, doubt, or discouragement darken our path, or when world conditions beyond our control lead us to wonder about the future, the spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead, assuring us that God knows us, loves us, and has sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to help us return home. And when someone sets their defining memories aside and is lost or confused, we turn them toward the Savior as we share our faith and memories with them, helping them rediscover those precious spiritual moments they once treasured.”

Some of my strongest spiritual memories were answers received in the quiet of the temple, the day I was sealed to my spouse, the birth of each of my children, and the day my sweetheart ended his mortal journey. Each of these days were accompanied by strong spiritual impressions that I was headed in the right direction and flooded with God’s love for me. When I pondered on these times I was reminded of God’s presence in my life and felt strengthened by them.

I also found it helpful to write down my thoughts. For the last five years my journal has consisted of a series of emails written when my mind and heart were full and I needed to let it out. I’ve made it a point to journal on both good days and bad days, this is helpful because I can look back on my challenges and see how far I’ve come. I remember early on in my grief journey writing that grief feels like drowning and it really did that day. I often remember that intensity and it has become a benchmark for my healing. The waves of grief still come, sometimes I’m able to ride them out floating on the top of the wave, sometimes I’m knocked off my feet for a time and struggle to regain my footing but the progress and healing is still there and I’m able to see that as I look back on those journal entries.

Another strengthening strategy was taught by Pres Nelson in his talk entitled “Joy and Spiritual Survival.”  He explained that “the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

He continues, “When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation…and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy [and I add hold to faith] regardless of what is happening-or not happening-in our lives. Joy comes from and because of Him. He is the source of all joy.” (Ensign, Oct 2016)

Peter experienced this principle in a very real way as he walked on the water to meet the Savior. When he focused on Christ his footing was sure, it was only when his focus shifted to the waves that he began to sink. We too can find strength and hold to faith as we focus on our Savior and the truths He taught.

Another strategy for holding to faith in times of difficulty is found in 1 Nephi 1:20 it reads, “I…will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom He hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

Elder Bednar explains, “The Lord’s tender mercies are very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Ensign, Feb 2012)

I’ve learned to watch for these tender mercies in my life and pray for the ability to recognize them when they come. If I am not watchful I often miss these personalized blessings that evidence Heavenly Father’s love for me. These tender mercies help build my faith in Heavenly Father and allow me to feel His love even when life gets messy.

I’d like to close with this thought by Elder Todd Budge, he said, “The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning-a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.” The Savior declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.” (2019)

I have come to understand that life is full of challenges many of which we cannot endure on our own. But as we overcome fear and doubt by holding to faith we can, as Elder Budge explained, have a life full of purpose, meaning, and even joy. And when we have moments of darkness we can hold onto the hope of healing that is possible through Jesus Christ. I know this has been true in my life.

Making Friends With The Beast

This past weekend an unexpected turn of events requiring a jump start, a borrowed phone, and eventually a tow truck earned us an extra day of vacation and we ended up at the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA. The farm was started by a man who trained animals for Disney productions including bears, Bobcats and elk. It's now a wildlife preserve where they allow you to feed wheat bread to some of the wild life. Where else in the world do they let you feed the bears!?! We drove through the first area with llamas and yak, the llama were friendly and at one point one of them stuck its head into the car through the window looking for more bread. 

The look on my eleven-year-old's face was priceless. The yak were a bit more intimidating being rather muscular in build but were eye level with us in our Subaru Impreza and that was fun. The Kodiak bears were next and one of them even put on a little show for us so we would feed him. I couldn't help but wonder about his history. Next was the "no feeding zone". This area had black bears, tigers, lions, Bobcats, wolves, raccoon and several others. 

The intense part came when we entered the elk and bison zone. They use a type of cattle guard to keep them in (they can't walk across it but you can drive through) and the signs say not to stop your vehicle in the area as damage will occur to your vehicle. I was amazed at the size of these animals. They walked right over looking for bread. When they headed our way I had the kids roll the windows half way up. As the first elk attempted to put his head into our little car I was a little bit terrified. We had a horse growing up and I knew how strong she was so having anything larger than that and not super tame that close to my family seemed cause for concern. The boys held pieces of bread out the window and it tried to catch them before the boys got intimidated and dropped it.  Then the bison came over. If the elk was intimidating the bison was down right scary! They were huge! For a moment I questioned my judgement in driving into this situation. In the end we enjoyed it so much that we drove through one more time before heading home. We got a little braver the second time and really enjoyed it. We also got to watch an elk stick its head into a Ford truck behind us as we slowly drove through. So funny to watch. 

As I've been thinking about this experience I see some parallels with grief and other ongoing challenges in our lives. We see it from a distance and it looks doable but when we get up close it's downright scary. There are times when we need to take a break from thinking about and dealing with our challenges before coming back to them. When we do we'll get a better look at them and have more of an opportunity to examine them up close and maybe even marvel at the intricacies of our situation as we would marvel at the long black tongue of the bison that just slobbered on our car window. (Yep, that happened.) We can, in time, make friends with the beasts that are life's greatest challenges and find the beauty and joy in life between the moments of uncertainty. As scary as it is sometimes we must learn to make friends with the beast.

Read More Here:

I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Most Important Things