I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub...And That's Okay!

It's evening and I feel the anxiety coming on, that feeling of being wound so tight my neck and shoulders are a mass of tense muscles, my knees start to feel like they're going to buckle and give out on me, I've given all I had today and it's time to sit in a hot bath and soothe my nerves before I explode in a mess of shouting which eventually leads to crying and wondering how I'm going to do it again tomorrow.  How did I become the girl who hides from the world in her bathtub?

I had the realization today that I am, indeed, the girl who hides in the bathtub, but along with that came the realization that I am many other things too. I am the girl who loves to read Dr. Seuss, to sing at the top of my lungs, to feel the sun on my face and to talk on the phone. I am the girl who loves baked goods and country music and playing tennis. I am many good things. I am also the girl who grieves for my husband, who feels inadequate to be a solo parent, who gets really stressed by crowds, who dreads conversations with people who don’t understand my daily struggles and fears the depth of pain I feel in the silence of every quiet night.

I am that girl who feels ten years older then I am because of what I've been through and that's okay. We all have parts of ourselves that we love and parts we don't. We all have flaws and inconsistencies and bad moments we look back on and think, "I should have handled that differently." What I have discovered is that we can find beauty in the flaws, in the days where we just get through and the moments we're just grateful to have survived. 

Brenee Brown explained, "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our whole heartedness - actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls." 

I love this idea of our falls, our fails and our difficult moments being part of what makes us whole. If we didn't have challenges to face, moments of weakness or tiredness or inexperience would we progress?  Who would we be? Would our character have depth? Would we acquire problem solving skills and patience (still working on that one myself)? What would we become? 

Tomorrow when I look in the mirror I want to see the girl that has flaws but understands it's part of being the girl who is WHOLE and that is a great thing.

Read More:

Finding Light In Dark Times

The Road Less Traveled

Stop Selling Yourself Short