Bit By Bit

About three months ago I ran across some sheet music to a song my husband loved. A friend had encouraged me to use music to help in my grieving process so I was digging through some old stuff. I felt strongly that I needed to sing this specific song at church so I started practicing. I've only sung a solo for a good size group two other times in my life and it was terrifying both times. The feeling persisted and I worked on the song and contacted the person who organizes that stuff and two weeks later I was up on the stand wondering how in the world I was going to get through it. I was very emotional for the start and felt a little sad that my voice and my courage faltered. My accompanist was amazing and helped me along so much.

After it was over I wanted to quickly leave and avoid people’s comments, I felt would be awkward but felt strongly I needed to practice being a gracious receiver so I stayed until the end of the meeting. I was surprised at how many people said "you did so well, I know that was hard so I was praying for you." I thought I had been impressed to sing because someone needed the message of the song but after pondering it for a couple days I came to understand that my initial impression was only part of the reason. As with many things, when God directs us to do something it accomplishes many things.

There were people who needed the message of the song. There were people who needed to see my example of persisting when you are given a seemingly impossible task. But the greatest beneficiary of my work, in the end, was me. I realized that Heavenly Father used this experience as an opportunity for me to show my ward family that even though it has been almost five months since Matt's passing it is still very fresh and I am hurting and need their prayers. I was amazed at the power I have felt from their prayers this week and amazed that something I put so much heart and effort into without really understanding why became a huge blessing to me. The most amazing thing is that I had a question that Heavenly Father gave me an answer bit by bit as I was ready to receive it.

Many times the answers don't come all at once. The scriptures use the phrase line upon line. We receive each piece of the puzzle as we're ready and seek it. As we continue to ask and seek the pieces begin to form a picture and we see how it all fits together. I'm so grateful for this process. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who wants to teach me and does when I open my mind to learn.

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

I've noticed lately that we focus a great deal on how we treat others. Whether it's our religious beliefs or karma or whatever it seems like many of us get the fact that we should try to treat others with kindness. So why is it that we are taught to treat others kindly but we rarely talk about how we talk and think about ourselves?

I have never really liked mirrors. I feel like I've made peace with many of my quirks but for so e reason I avoid mirrors unless I need them for something specific. A friend challenged me to post a video for a class I'm taking and they show the little picture in the bottom corner of you and I realized I'm a little insecure of my physical appearance. It's not something that really bothers me so I just don't spend much time fixing myself up in the morning...and I tend to avoid mirrors.

Audra Clegg shared the following poem during a Sunday school lesson and it really struck me:

The Man In The Glass by Anonymous

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
and the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say

For it isn't your father or mother or wife
who judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts the most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass

Some people may think you a straight-shooting chum
and call you a wonderful guy
But the guy in the glass says you're only a bum
if you can't look him straight in the eye

He's the fellow to please never mind all the rest
for he's with you clear up to the end
And you've passed your most dangerous difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend

You may fool the whole world down the pathway
of life and get pats on the back as pass
But your final reward will be heartaches and
tears if you've cheated the man in the glass.

If we want to make the man (or woman) in the glass our friend it is important to change the way we judge our self. A college roommate (so sad I can't remember which one) gave me the following guideline to follow: When you think or say something about yourself think, would I say that about someone else...to their face? If it is something hurtful we probably wouldn't say it and we should give our self the same courtesy as we want to be friends with the man in the glass.

Please, please, please just try it. You are worth this experiment. Your value is determined not by how others see you but by how you see yourself. Please come back here and share how it went. I'd love to know how this affects you as it really changed the way I think about myself. I'm going to work on feeling more comfortable with the mirror by smiling at myself I am excited to see how it goes.

My LDS Missionary Service-Learning The Language

After a night at the mission home in a bunk house with five other sisters we loaded our things in the back of a truck (flete) and headed for the bus station. It was a busy place and it was crowded. The buses were old school buses that had been painted up and had a destination painted on the front. One of the Elders threw my suitcase on his back and climbed up the ladder to put it on top of the bus after the man who usually does it refused to help unless we paid him (they see Americans and think dollar signs). The bus ride was about an hour through winding mountain roads through San Felipe where our district leaders hopped on the bus and took us to San Martin. They were coming to take us to what was to be our home for the next four and a half months.

I remember those first few weeks as bits and pieces of conversations. I would catch words here and there and have simple conversations with people but my vocabulary was quite limited and when we would teach a lesson my companion would reteach anything I taught. I thought I was doing okay until one night we were visiting with a family and I had learned that if I asked questions I would at least be able to guess at the answer and thus follow the conversation. I was sitting visiting with a three or four year old child struggling to understand what he was saying when he stopped, looked me straight in the face and said, "no me intiendes," you don't understand me. Then he turned and walked away. I understood those three words perfectly and knew my grasp of the language was doing even worse than I'd thought if a child could tell I was clueless.

This was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I had always prided myself on what a good student I was. Being intelligent was such a big part of my identity and he I was thousands of miles from anyone and anything familiar looking clueless. We were highly encouraged to speak only Spanish outside of our apartment so for a time I felt like I lived in a haze of swirling words I didn't understand. On top of this I spent all day, every day with a companion that was six feet tall and walked like she had somewhere really important to be ALL THE TIME. After two weeks of this I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted.

I remember one day in particular hearing a word several times and trying to figure out what it meant. I kept saying go myself, I need to ask when we get home what this word means but by the time the day was done the word was long forgotten. I finally got brave one day and asked my companion what this derepente word meant and she spent the next ten minutes trying desperately to explain it to me without saying the English translation. She said something like it means that something isn't and then it is. I laugh about how ridiculous this was now but at the time I'm sure it frustrated us both. The word means suddenly. I share this experience because it was a difficult process to submerge yourself in a language even after nine weeks of intense language training.

The newness passed and every day I prayed I'd be given the gift of tongues and it would all make sense and it did get easier a little at a time and I had even learned enough that when my time in San Martin ended I had developed close friendships with a handful of people who are still a part of me today. Yet another difficult process in my life that was well worth the effort.

Doing The Impossible

Over the past two weeks I’ve recognized a pattern of being asked to do some seemingly impossible task and it miraculously happening. Last Tuesday I was praying and asked what I was to do that day, (this is something I was challenged to do by a friend and I’ve been amazed what I have been guided to do). The answer was go to the temple. Then I thought, okay, so how is this going to happen. I made a phone call and within 20 minutes someone was at my house watching my two-year-old so I could drive to Bellevue to spend time at the temple. I had no idea how much I needed the peace and quiet I found there but God did and He made a way for me to be able to go.

Sometime later in the week I was asked if I could sing in church next Sunday. Singing in church terrifies me but I felt strongly that I need to do it and had submitted a song the week before. I admitted I had no accompanist but would work on it. I prayed again asking how this was going to happen and was given a name. We rehearsed on Sunday after church while other friends watched my monkeys and it's going to work out fine.

Two days ago when I prayed I was told that the dog needs to travel with us for Christmas and I thought, that's CRAZY! We've had full care of the dog for a week and didn't have a crate and I’m still learning to trust and train the dog. Long story short, we now have two crates that were given to us along with two bags of dog food and flee medicine. And my sister and parents said they’d be happy to help us with the dog over the holiday break when we come.  How does this stuff even happen?  Amazing!

The last impossible task I was given was teaching an art class on clay to 20 third graders. I spent the day before listening to tutorials on working clay because I knew NOTHING. There were also quite a few frantic texts to my artist friend trying to figure out if I bought the right stuff. Just to keep things interesting, my six-year-old woke up with a fever and a friend who was sick herself ended up hanging out with him so I could go teach. The class was today.  It was super messy but the kids had a blast. And there was a guest teacher so the actual teacher didn’t see how messy it was so she may allow us to do it again.

One of my favorite Book of Mormon prophets is Nephi. He taught us that when God has a work for us He prepares the path for us to accomplish it. “…for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.” (1 Nephi 3:7) I've really experienced the truthfulness of this principle these past two weeks. When He asks us to do something He prepares a way for it to happen.  I KNOW this is true.  I have seen it MANY times in my life.

Just as Peter walked on water when Christ called to Him, we can truly do things that seem impossible. You may think you're not capable of such things but remember Peter was just a fisherman but God had bigger plans for him. What does He have planned for you?

Read More Here:

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Finding Light In Spiritually Dark Times

My Hands Are Tied

Finding Joy

I was asked to give a spiritual message at a Relief Society activity (women’s group at church). They asked I base my remarks on the talk "Joy And Spiritual Survival" you can read the full talk by clicking here. I prayed to know what to share and this is what came to me.

In the Book of Mormon there is a story of a man who was preaching in Jerusalem and was told in a vison to take his family and flee into the wilderness because the people were angry with him and would kill him if he stayed.

The prophet Lehi not long after being inspired to uproot his family, leave behind his home and much of his possessions, and some extended family declared, "MEN ARE THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE JOY." We can assume by the amount of murmuring from some of his family members on their leaving and their great desire to return that they lived a comfortable life. So how was he, while living in the desert amidst uncertainty over the future of his family, able to make such a declaration?

Elder Russell M. Nelson explains that the joy Lehi felt and "the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." So, you might ask, what is this magical focus that will allow me to be happy in the midst of hardship right now? The answer is simple, we focus on Jesus Christ as Elder Nelson explains, "He is the source of all joy."

I remember feeling such joy on my little one's second birthday. It was the first family celebration after my husband had died and I was just going through the motions, I made a cake, a friend helped me clean house and decorate, I wrapped presents and invited family over but my heart was breaking. I kept thinking, "this is so unfair, no child should have to spend their 2nd birthday without their father." Eventually anger gave way to sadness and as my heart softened and broke I pled with Heavenly Father to help me understand why something so terrible was part of the plan, His plan, for my life. Why would He give us something so wonderful and then take it away. In my mind's eye I could see the look on Matthew's face when he held each of our three children for the first time, it was pure joy. I remembered the happy tears we cried on our wedding day when we promised each other forever. He rarely cried but we both cried that day. I even pictured us together, clothed in white, at some future date, the promise of an eternity together shining in our eyes. That was the answer. We had joyful moments and we will again. 

To say I can't be happy because I am dealing with some hard things right now is just not true. Because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ I know where to turn when I need strengthening, understanding or just enough patience to try one more time. Because of His sacrifice He can offer understanding and comfort on my hard days. With Jesus Christ I can do and become more than I ever imagined possible and find joyful moments even in my darkest hours.

Elder Nelson explained how Christ set the example for us to find joy through our trials. "In order for Him to endure the most excruciating experience ever endured on earth, our Savior focused on joy!...the joy of cleansing, healing, and strengthening us;" He was thinking of you and me! "...the joy of paying for the sins of all who would repent; the joy of making it possible for you and me to return home-clean and worthy- to live with our Heavenly Parents and families." Isn't that amazing! He endured all that pain and anguish by thinking how happy we could be because of His suffering.

He further instructs, "If we look to the world and follow it's formulas for happiness, we will never know joy. The unrighteous may experience any number er of emotions and sensations, but they will never experience joy! Joy is a gift that comes from intentionally trying to live a righteous life, as taught by Jesus Christ. He taught us how to have joy. We we choose Heavenly Father to be our God and when we can feel the Savior's Atonement working in our lives, we will be filled with joy."

I know this to be true and I have seen it in my life many times. But don't take my word for it, try it for yourself. Learn about Jesus Christ and what He did and them go and follow His example. You will not be disappointed. 

Read More Here:

Forgiveness

Turning Criticism Into Confidence

Cancer Diagnosis

My LDS Missionary Service-The First Contact

It took two days of travel to get to Quetzaltenango.  The first day we flew from Salt Lake to Guatemala City.  We had a lay over in Texas somewhere and we were tired by the time we got there.  I was traveling with another Sister and we were picked up in a van at the airport and taken to the Casa de Huesped next to the Temple in Guatemala City.  The next day we boarded a bus with about 20 other missionaries, most of them from Central America (they had been at the MTC there in Guatemala City receiving their missionary training) all headed for Quetzaltenango. 

I was excited to try out my Spanish and had some short conversations with the Central American missionaries as we traveled.  My feeble attempts to communicate were greeted with patience and kindness though I quickly realized that my Spanish was very limited, which was frustrating after spending 10 weeks studying so hard.

We arrived at the mission president's home after a meeting with the majority of the missionaries in the area and they sent us out to go knock on doors and teach people. (That was the main purpose of the mission, to go meet people and teach them the gospel.)  I was sent out with a six foot tall gringa (that's what they call white girls in Guate) from Arkansas.  We knocked on the first door and she stepped aside, waiting for me to speak.  I wave of panic swept over me and I began to cry.  All the sudden it was real and I knew my language skills weren't up to the task.  I spent the next hour trying to calm down and let reality catch up with me.
The good news is that my first attempt was out of the way and each time after that got easier.  I even got to the point that I looked forward to going out to meet new people which was great since most days we spent several hours contacting people.

I can't tell you how glad I was that quitting was not an option.  I can't explain what happened that made me fall apart for the better part of an hour but I'm exceedingly grateful for those who encouraged me along the way. It was only the first frustrating day of many but I decided not to ever give up, I'd made a commitment to stick it out and I'm so glad that I did. 

Ripples

Something amazing happened on last Sunday.  I was headed for Sunday School because I felt like I should go.  Maybe the message was really just, “GO” as I never made it there.  I stopped to tell a sister how beautiful her baby was that they had blessed that day and to let her know I felt Matt had come to support them.  It was such a beautiful experience.  The next sister I spoke to was one I have been trying to get to know but she is quiet and she told me today that when she’s quiet it is because she is listening and learning (I really should take a page from her book on this one). 

I had felt that she had been struggling and she looked so much better this day.  She had such a feeling of strength and power about her.  As we talked she shared that she’s been very discouraged and wondering what to do.  Long story short she came to the conclusion that she needed to remain faithful and strong through hard times because of the impact that she has in the lives of her children and will continue to have down the line through her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  I got goosebumps as she was talking and felt strongly that what she was saying was God’s message to me. 

I think many times we fail to realize the extent of our influence.  We come into contact with people every day and everything we do has a little ripple effect.  Many times the ripples are subtle but they are there.  The interesting thing about ripples is that at the point of impact the area affected is very small but as they extend out that one stone affects a large area.  This is SO TRUE OF THE GOOD WE DO.  It’s easy to get discouraged with our lives and feel like the things we do don’t even matter.  PLEASE STOP LISTENING TO THOSE VOICES THAT TELL YOU THAT!  As children of God we are powerful beyond what we even know.  We are far more capable than we think.  We come from a lineage of greatness and we were put on Earth for a purpose. Go Do Some Good!

Lessons in Grief- Part 1

I need to preface this post by explaining that I am having a good week.  Each week gets a little easier as we settle into our new normal.  Most of the things in this post were things I learned early on when things were still REALLY HARD so don't everyone panic and think I'm falling apart.  I have difficult moments but overall we're doing well. Having said that, I feel that there are some who need to hear some of these things and, as always, I share with the hope that it may help someone who needs to hear it. I also recognize that the loss of my husband is being felt by more than just myself and though each feels it in their own way there are things that helped me and I hope they will help you too.

Grief is different than I expected. Part of what makes grief difficult is that it doesn't always manifest in the same way, some days grief causes sobbing and other days it aches it can even be smiles of memories followed by painful emptiness.  Sometimes it even causes nausea, headaches and other physical pain. I've been attending a GriefShare class for three weeks and I highly recommend it for anyone who has suffered a loss. It's helped me understand the effects grief is having on my mind and body and recognizing that's what is happening and understand it is completely normal.

Some of the things that stuck out to me are that the denial phase can last six to nine months, it takes that long for the heart to catch up with your head. Mine did not last that long but that's because I started grieving when my husband received his diagnosis. Something else that occurs with loss is shock. I would describe shock as your brain refusing to process emotion because it's overloaded. It is a mechanism the body uses to survive trauma; it doesn’t allow you to process things you can't handle. I would say my denial phase lasted about 6-10 weeks. It wasn't until that point that I really started to address the things I was thinking and feeling and work through them and that only happened because someone told me if I didn’t work through these feeling I would carry them with me FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Even coming to the point of being ready to begin the grieving process was challenging and I was very blessed to be guided to the people who could help this happen. I put it off for quite a while before accepting that I needed to grieve and even now my instinct is to avoid it. At first it seemed like it would be easier to avoid my emotions but each time I would have a good cry I felt lighter the next day.

I remember realizing one day that I didn't know how to grieve and at that point I started praying to know what to do. I considered counseling before I was invited to GriefShare and just knew I needed some direction. I may still need counseling at some point, I'm open to it and pray to know what is right for me. A couple friends also invited me to join a widows and widower support group on Facebook. I've learned so much in the past month it's hard to summarize it in one blog post. The two most important things I've learned are that grief takes time...lots of it and that the first year will be very difficult at times and the second year will be a little better. The second thing is that grief isn't something that needs to be fixed, it is something to be experienced. The hard part of that is that I don't control when I need to feel grief. I can be fine one moment and I will see, hear or think something that will bring me instantly to tears. It's frustrating but I take great comfort in knowing this is completely normal.

One more thought on grief, when experiencing grief you rarely experience one emotion at a time or go through the steps of the grieving process in a neat, organized fashion. Grief is messy. You will feel a bunch of emotions at once and some of those emotions even conflict with each other and you don't just experience it once, you go through different parts of the grieving process over and over again as you grieve the individual things you have lost.

If you have experienced a loss please reach out, find a support group or ask for help from a close friend. You can sign up for free daily emails from GriefShare.org to help you learn more and there is a link to find a local group. You don't have to do this alone! Remember God loves you, knows you personally and knows what will help if you will only ask. I take great comfort in meeting others who have walked this path and come out the other side stronger. I know we will get through!

Read More Here:

Lessons In Grief- Part 2

Finding Joy

Fear and Faith

I Am Superman

Faith and Piano

I started learning to play the piano in the second grade. For those who have never learned to play an instrument it is a SLOW process this process is also used in sports. So the process requires time each day working steadily to get better bit by bit, a little every day. Something I have always found interesting about piano is that if you stop practicing, even for a little while, your ability seems to decrease.  It’s like walking the wrong way on one of those moving sidewalks at the airport, if you stop you’re actually moving backward. Because of this fact consistent practice is key to building skill.

Faith is like that too. There have been many times when I come to a challenge that tries my faith and think, "I should have this, no problem," but I find my faith insufficient to the task. I think, "but I thought I had faith?!?" I've come to understand that faith is a process, much like learning sports or an instrument; it's something we build every day. Our ability to use our faith develops a little at a time as it is tried and tested time after time. In order to grow our faith we must persist in the face of our challenges, knowing God is with us. We strengthen our faith by consistently obeying God’s commandments, reaching out to Him in daily prayer and studying His word. Just like playing the piano if we take a break from these things, or get angry with God and withdraw for a time, we lose a little ground and need to build it up again.

I am positive I will never be a concert pianist or that I will have faith to move a mountain but I will continue to plug away, enhancing my ability day after day. I’m recommitting to daily prayer and study today and you can too!  Let’s do the little things that will help us feel closer to God and allow us to more fully feel His love and receive His guidance. Just as I'd never consider myself proficient enough at the piano to not need practice but I know enough to enjoy playing and accompany every once in a while, my faith is still growing but sufficient to act, to endure and to find joy. It is because of this that we can enjoy the beautiful music of faith in our lives.

Most Important Things

As I’ve undergone the first small step in my grief journey there have been times I’ve felt very lost. Part of grieving is not trusting yourself to make decisions and I have really felt that so being in touch with my Heavenly Father, my higher power, has been so important.  A friend asked me a few weeks ago what I needed to be doing right now, what’s the most important thing and I said without thinking, “I need to put up all our family pictures on our walls and look at them every day until I don’t cry when I look at them.” She encouraged me to make a list of the things that I feel like need done that day and pray that someone would be sent to take care of those things so I can work on the most important things. I have been amazed at the result.

Last week I prayed on Monday morning to know what the most important thing was and the answer surprised me.  The answer was to make a Jedi costume for my nine-year-old.  (A little background here: I am NOT good at sewing and have shed a few tears and said a few choice words while working on projects in the past. I also don’t always enjoy my projects.)  I looked around the house at the dirty floor, pile of dishes and unwashed laundry and thought that certainly couldn’t be right but the answer was pretty clear so I started in.  I wish you could have seen the look on my son’s face when he came home and I’d made him this simple costume just a vest and a belt. I did not know that doing something for him was important to him but Heavenly Father did.  Before the week was over I had made costumes for all four of us to wear to a church party.  I had never sewn costumes for my kids before and we had never done family theme costumes or matching costumes before but we did this year.  I think it was important for our family to show a unified front and it was fun.

I’m almost ashamed to say how many hours I spent sewing that week.  Even simple projects take time.  To see the tutorial I used to create the vests click here.  I ended up reaching out to two friends that week to sit with my two-year-old while I took kids to the dentist and went to an appointment.  They both cleaned my house while they were there!  My heart was so touched that Heavenly Father had sent someone to take care of that other stuff so I could take care of the one thing that seemed insignificant to me but was the most important thing that week.

Read More Here:

Ordinary Heros

Back To Basics

Oct 1, 2013

For some time I have been contemplating dusting off my blog.  Today I finally found the courage to do it.  I have been following a couple blogs and Facebook groups where people share intensely personal experiences and how the Lord used adversity to help them grow.  It is my desire to share the things I have learned in the hope that it will bless others the way those people have blessed me.

Oct 1, 2013.  This is a day that I will forever remember.  On that day I turned 31 years old.  It is also the day my husband received his cancer diagnosis.  I remember scheduling the appointment thinking why would I want to find someone to watch my little one on my birthday so I can drive with my husband to Seattle to visit with an oncologist?  That thought only lasted a moment before my desire to have an answer as soon as possible pushed it aside.  He'd had an MRI, been sent for a biopsy and now we were getting results back.

I was devastated.  My husband has a heart condition and I knew when I married him there would possibly be complications down the road but I'd never imagined it would be cancer or that he would have trouble so young. Usually when you see an oncologist they sit down with you and make a plan of attack and move forward.  Everyone says it gets better when you know what is going to happen and they feel hope again. The plan was to remove the mass and hope it doesn't come back. No joke, there was no follow-up and no plan B. Only now do I understand the gravity of what that meant.

This month marks the three year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and he has been called home to the God who gave him life.  I never could would have guessed that his life would have been taken so soon after diagnosis but I have also come to understand that, while extremely difficult, this IS God's plan.  His time on this earth was coming to an end and the cancer was a gift to prepare me to live without him. In essence, God needed him for another work and we were warned that his time on earth was coming to a close.  So often we talk about what cancer takes from us but cancer also gave us the courage to say things sometimes left unsaid, the need to hold each other a little longer and hug our children a little tighter, motivation to spend more time together as a family, and motivated me to work a little harder to be a good wife and create a peaceful atmosphere in our home.

Someone commented to me last October how much our family had grown spiritually and I explained we had paid a high price for those lessons and they pointed out that we continue to pay the price for them.  That is true now more than ever as we grieve Matthew.  I take great comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father has gotten me through every challenge He's ever put in front of me and while it seems impossible that the heartache I feel will ever go away I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will experience joy again in this life and the life to come.