It's evening and I feel
the anxiety coming on, that feeling of being wound so tight my neck and
shoulders are a mass of tense muscles, my knees start to feel like they're
going to buckle and give out on me, I've given all I had today and it's time to
sit in a hot bath and soothe my nerves before I explode in a mess of shouting
which eventually leads to crying and wondering how I'm going to do it again
tomorrow. How did I become the girl who hides from the world in her
bathtub?
I had the realization today
that I am, indeed, the girl who hides in the bathtub, but along with that came
the realization that I am many other things too. I am the girl who loves to
read Dr. Seuss, to sing at the top of my lungs, to feel the sun on my face and
to talk on the phone. I am the girl who loves baked goods and country music and
playing tennis. I am many good things. I am also the girl who grieves for my
husband, who feels inadequate to be a solo parent, who gets really stressed by
crowds, who dreads conversations with people who don’t understand my daily
struggles and fears the depth of pain I feel in the silence of every quiet
night.
I am that girl who
feels ten years older then I am because of what I've been through and that's
okay. We all have parts of ourselves that we love and parts we don't. We all
have flaws and inconsistencies and bad moments we look back on and think,
"I should have handled that differently." What I have discovered is
that we can find beauty in the flaws, in the days where we just get through and
the moments we're just grateful to have survived.
Brenee Brown
explained, "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories
to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our whole
heartedness - actually depends on the integration of all our experiences,
including the falls."
I love this idea of
our falls, our fails and our difficult moments being part of what makes us
whole. If we didn't have challenges to face, moments of weakness or tiredness
or inexperience would we progress? Who would we be? Would our character
have depth? Would we acquire problem solving skills and patience (still working
on that one myself)? What would we become?
Tomorrow when I look
in the mirror I want to see the girl that has flaws but understands it's part
of being the girl who is WHOLE and that is a great thing.
Read More:
Read More:
Finding Light In Dark Times
The Road Less Traveled
Stop Selling Yourself Short
