Oct 1, 2013

For some time I have been contemplating dusting off my blog.  Today I finally found the courage to do it.  I have been following a couple blogs and Facebook groups where people share intensely personal experiences and how the Lord used adversity to help them grow.  It is my desire to share the things I have learned in the hope that it will bless others the way those people have blessed me.

Oct 1, 2013.  This is a day that I will forever remember.  On that day I turned 31 years old.  It is also the day my husband received his cancer diagnosis.  I remember scheduling the appointment thinking why would I want to find someone to watch my little one on my birthday so I can drive with my husband to Seattle to visit with an oncologist?  That thought only lasted a moment before my desire to have an answer as soon as possible pushed it aside.  He'd had an MRI, been sent for a biopsy and now we were getting results back.

I was devastated.  My husband has a heart condition and I knew when I married him there would possibly be complications down the road but I'd never imagined it would be cancer or that he would have trouble so young. Usually when you see an oncologist they sit down with you and make a plan of attack and move forward.  Everyone says it gets better when you know what is going to happen and they feel hope again. The plan was to remove the mass and hope it doesn't come back. No joke, there was no follow-up and no plan B. Only now do I understand the gravity of what that meant.

This month marks the three year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and he has been called home to the God who gave him life.  I never could would have guessed that his life would have been taken so soon after diagnosis but I have also come to understand that, while extremely difficult, this IS God's plan.  His time on this earth was coming to an end and the cancer was a gift to prepare me to live without him. In essence, God needed him for another work and we were warned that his time on earth was coming to a close.  So often we talk about what cancer takes from us but cancer also gave us the courage to say things sometimes left unsaid, the need to hold each other a little longer and hug our children a little tighter, motivation to spend more time together as a family, and motivated me to work a little harder to be a good wife and create a peaceful atmosphere in our home.

Someone commented to me last October how much our family had grown spiritually and I explained we had paid a high price for those lessons and they pointed out that we continue to pay the price for them.  That is true now more than ever as we grieve Matthew.  I take great comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father has gotten me through every challenge He's ever put in front of me and while it seems impossible that the heartache I feel will ever go away I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will experience joy again in this life and the life to come.