I was asked to speak to our church congregation on the topic of "Doubt Not, Fear Not, Faith in Jesus Christ Can Move Mountains." This is what I shared.
How in the world did I end up here!?! Have you ever looked at you life and wondered that? I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself this question over the years. Seriously, how did I get here?
I didn't desire to serve a mission, I was three years into my degree at BYU-Idaho and had made a plan to continue my education, graduate with my MBA and prep for the CPA (apparently I had a thing for getting letters behind my name.) Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. For months I argued with the Lord, insisting I wasn’t cut out for this kind of work. He gently guided me to the realization that this was the next step for me.
After 18 months of intense spiritual growth that taught me the importance of leaning on the Lord and that strength and healing were available through His atonement I was ready to jump into my next phase of life. I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did, He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden it just didn't feel right.
I graduated from BYU-Idaho and moved to WA state. There I met my best friend and we were married. The next seven years were a whirlwind of simple happy times and normal everyday challenges. We had two children and bought our first home. Then we hit a road block. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery, and they told us to hope it didn't come back. Two and half years later, without warning, he got blood clots and in 48 hours, his mortal journey ended. I became a widowed at age 33.
My first year of widowhood I pressed forward, convinced that if I could get through the year of firsts on my own it would get easier. I read amazing stories about people's lives post loss and I found comfort in that. I imagined God had something in store for me and assumed that meant finding a new husband and one day writing an inspirational Ensign worthy story about how God had this amazing plan for me and how it all made perfect sense. That was not to be.
I'll spare you the details of the miserable next two years but know it was full of tears, anger, frustration, discouragement, and disappointment. Why hadn't God given me my Ensign story? Why hadn't he made my life and my family whole again? Why had God not moved my mountain of grief and brought about the miracle of healing to my soul?
I had SO many questions. As the years went on there were many ups and downs and many moments of questioning my faith. The biggest question was, "how do I continue to have faith in a God who allowed this to happen?"
It’s been five years since my best friend became my guardian angel and it has been a long road. Today I’d like to share with you some of the things that helped me hold to faith though this journey.
Brothers and Sisters do you remember Pres Uchdorf’s powerful invitation to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith? (“Come Join With Us,” Ensign Nov 2013.) I took this invitation into my broken heart and held to the principles I knew to be true. First off, I knew God was there, even on my angriest days I knew He was there. I even directed my anger at Him for a time and He was still there loving me as only He could. I also knew my Savior loves me, He loves me SO much that He was willing make His life’s work making it possible for you and me to return to live with our Heavenly Father again. There are times when emotions are so powerful that it is hard to feel God’s love but it is so important to strive to feel it, to desire to feel it, and to ask in prayer that we can feel it. When we feel that love, it changes our world.
I made a quote wall in my bedroom and I would copy down words from the scriptures and general conference quotes and place them where I could see them each day when I needed a little extra strength. Some of my favorites were:
“…the Lord has blessed us…with all the power, gifts and strength that are needed…” -Bonnie Oscarson (Ensign Nov 2016)
“All crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving.” Neil A Maxwell (Notwithstanding our Weakness)
"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
“Knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience…The most difficult times of our lives are building blocks of a strong foundation.” -Didier F.Uchtdorf
Another tool I found helpful in holding to faith is looking back at old journal entries and specifically thinking back on spiritual experiences I had had when I had been directed and received answers to my prayers and my testimony had been strengthened.
Elder Anderson taught, “from time to time, God powerfully and very personally assures each of us that He knows us and loves us and that He is blessing us specifically and openly. Then, in our moments of difficulty, the Savior brings these experiences back into our mind.”
He further explains, “You might think of your spiritual memories this way. With constant prayer, a determination to keep our covenants, and the gift of the Holy Ghost, we navigate our way through life. When personal difficulty, doubt, or discouragement darken our path, or when world conditions beyond our control lead us to wonder about the future, the spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead, assuring us that God knows us, loves us, and has sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to help us return home. And when someone sets their defining memories aside and is lost or confused, we turn them toward the Savior as we share our faith and memories with them, helping them rediscover those precious spiritual moments they once treasured.”
Some of my strongest spiritual memories were answers received in the quiet of the temple, the day I was sealed to my spouse, the birth of each of my children, and the day my sweetheart ended his mortal journey. Each of these days were accompanied by strong spiritual impressions that I was headed in the right direction and flooded with God’s love for me. When I pondered on these times I was reminded of God’s presence in my life and felt strengthened by them.
I also found it helpful to write down my thoughts. For the last five years my journal has consisted of a series of emails written when my mind and heart were full and I needed to let it out. I’ve made it a point to journal on both good days and bad days, this is helpful because I can look back on my challenges and see how far I’ve come. I remember early on in my grief journey writing that grief feels like drowning and it really did that day. I often remember that intensity and it has become a benchmark for my healing. The waves of grief still come, sometimes I’m able to ride them out floating on the top of the wave, sometimes I’m knocked off my feet for a time and struggle to regain my footing but the progress and healing is still there and I’m able to see that as I look back on those journal entries.
Another strengthening strategy was taught by Pres Nelson in his talk entitled “Joy and Spiritual Survival.” He explained that “the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”
He continues, “When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation…and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy [and I add hold to faith] regardless of what is happening-or not happening-in our lives. Joy comes from and because of Him. He is the source of all joy.” (Ensign, Oct 2016)
Peter experienced this principle in a very real way as he walked on the water to meet the Savior. When he focused on Christ his footing was sure, it was only when his focus shifted to the waves that he began to sink. We too can find strength and hold to faith as we focus on our Savior and the truths He taught.
Another strategy for holding to faith in times of difficulty is found in 1 Nephi 1:20 it reads, “I…will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom He hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”
Elder Bednar explains, “The Lord’s tender mercies are very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Ensign, Feb 2012)
I’ve learned to watch for these tender mercies in my life and pray for the ability to recognize them when they come. If I am not watchful I often miss these personalized blessings that evidence Heavenly Father’s love for me. These tender mercies help build my faith in Heavenly Father and allow me to feel His love even when life gets messy.
I’d like to close with this thought by Elder Todd Budge, he said, “The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning-a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.” The Savior declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.” (2019)
I have come to understand that life is full of challenges many of which we cannot endure on our own. But as we overcome fear and doubt by holding to faith we can, as Elder Budge explained, have a life full of purpose, meaning, and even joy. And when we have moments of darkness we can hold onto the hope of healing that is possible through Jesus Christ. I know this has been true in my life.
