Making Friends With The Beast

This past weekend an unexpected turn of events requiring a jump start, a borrowed phone, and eventually a tow truck earned us an extra day of vacation and we ended up at the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA. The farm was started by a man who trained animals for Disney productions including bears, Bobcats and elk. It's now a wildlife preserve where they allow you to feed wheat bread to some of the wild life. Where else in the world do they let you feed the bears!?! We drove through the first area with llamas and yak, the llama were friendly and at one point one of them stuck its head into the car through the window looking for more bread. 

The look on my eleven-year-old's face was priceless. The yak were a bit more intimidating being rather muscular in build but were eye level with us in our Subaru Impreza and that was fun. The Kodiak bears were next and one of them even put on a little show for us so we would feed him. I couldn't help but wonder about his history. Next was the "no feeding zone". This area had black bears, tigers, lions, Bobcats, wolves, raccoon and several others. 

The intense part came when we entered the elk and bison zone. They use a type of cattle guard to keep them in (they can't walk across it but you can drive through) and the signs say not to stop your vehicle in the area as damage will occur to your vehicle. I was amazed at the size of these animals. They walked right over looking for bread. When they headed our way I had the kids roll the windows half way up. As the first elk attempted to put his head into our little car I was a little bit terrified. We had a horse growing up and I knew how strong she was so having anything larger than that and not super tame that close to my family seemed cause for concern. The boys held pieces of bread out the window and it tried to catch them before the boys got intimidated and dropped it.  Then the bison came over. If the elk was intimidating the bison was down right scary! They were huge! For a moment I questioned my judgement in driving into this situation. In the end we enjoyed it so much that we drove through one more time before heading home. We got a little braver the second time and really enjoyed it. We also got to watch an elk stick its head into a Ford truck behind us as we slowly drove through. So funny to watch. 

As I've been thinking about this experience I see some parallels with grief and other ongoing challenges in our lives. We see it from a distance and it looks doable but when we get up close it's downright scary. There are times when we need to take a break from thinking about and dealing with our challenges before coming back to them. When we do we'll get a better look at them and have more of an opportunity to examine them up close and maybe even marvel at the intricacies of our situation as we would marvel at the long black tongue of the bison that just slobbered on our car window. (Yep, that happened.) We can, in time, make friends with the beasts that are life's greatest challenges and find the beauty and joy in life between the moments of uncertainty. As scary as it is sometimes we must learn to make friends with the beast.

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In Which I Perfect The Pity Party and End It Early

Written January 2018

I cannot count the number of miserable moments I've had in the past five years. If you'd asked me during my husband's cancer journey if I knew what it was to face hard things I'd have told you I was an expert. Little did I know that my journey into difficult things was only just beginning. If someone told me a single event could cause a person to hurt so deeply for so long I wouldn't have believed them. My grief has taken me places I never wanted to go and when I chose to stay in the darkness I experienced what I called, "going down the rabbit hole." This is when one negative thought leads to another and before you know it you're in deep, so deep that you can't see the light of day.

In Jerry Sittser's book, A Grace Disguised, he talks about grief being a darkness we must choose to walk into. There are things that need to be felt to heal and we must work through those feelings. I completely agree it needs to be felt but what I often forget while walking through the darkness is YOU MUST KEEP MOVING. If you enter the darkness and set up camp your healing stops, your progress stops. Niel A Maxwell explains that, "...all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. (Ensign, Nov 1976)"

Six months after my spouse passed suddenly I had a friend challenge me to make grieving a priority. I felt that wasn't possible with my responsibilities of running a household and caring for my three young children (then 9, 7, and 2). She suggested making a list of the things that needed done and asking God to send someone to take care of them so I could grieve. It sounded a little bit crazy but it struck a chord so I gave it a try.  The flood of support that came was astonishing. We had people from church, school, preschool, and family helping with yard work, decorating for Christmas, making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining children. The most amazing part is that it didn't come all at once in an overwhelming wave, it came in bits and pieces here and there when it was most needed. We were out of town at Christmas and I had an especially thoughtful friend call and ask if she could come take down my Christmas decorations as that might be difficult, she was SO right.

I spent SO much time worrying about getting through that first year and was quite concerned about how I would get through the many years to come but with each act of love my fear subsided. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." Like light and darkness, fear and love cannot coexist. As each person showed up for me the fear subsided. That year I made a Facebook live video instead of sending out Christmas cards. It was far easier and I'm so glad I did as I had forgotten how blessed my life had been. Here I am 2 1/2 years later still trying to make sense of my loss and my life post-loss being reminded that God really does answer prayers and He really does send help when we ask and are humble enough to receive it (which is really difficult for me). 

I echo what I said in this video so long ago, "we feel so blessed  to be part of your lives when it wasn't  (and isn't) easy for us to be part of others' lives...we're doing so well because of your love, your prayers, and your service." I will hold onto that when the days get long, as they often do knowing that it is your love, and God's love, that will get me through one more day.

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Making Friends With The Beast

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When We Get Knocked Down

Oct 1, 2013

I Don't Need Easy, I Just Need Possible

My life has been a game of extremes over the past year.  I would struggle through a hard day or two and go looking for something that would help so I learned that hot baths were nice and for a few days I'd end up in the bath once, sometimes twice, a day for a while before moving on to something else.  In my mind I felt that  if a little was good then a lot was better. My latest fixation is tennis.  I played in high school and intramurals in college, nothing serious I just seriously loved the game.  In August I had a friend who has been trying to get me to join the tennis club for years injure her knee and wrist.  This put her out for about two months and she asked me to cover for her. Being out on the court was awkward at first as I got my coordination back.  Once a week led to twice a week, which led to evening league (with men which was a big transition for me), which led to another evening league. I hit my limit the week I played four times.  I hurt in places I didn't even know I had. I've cut back to three times a week and even that is a bit intense.  I tweeked my right knee sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and I am currently wearing an ace wrap almost all the time.  I also am developing tennis elbow which is really crumby. So, what have I learned from this experience? Even a good thing isn't good when it's taken to excess. 

 You can exercise too much, you can control your diet to the point of being unhealthy, you can travel so much that your home doesn't feel like home, you can over schedule your children, you can obsess about your home, your looks, your clothes and any number of things.  The principle that is needed here is moderation.  One of my favorite quotes right now is from Vincent Van Gogh "The best way to know God is to love many things." I also assert that the best way to enjoy life is to learn to love many things.  

That has been a difficult part of my grief journey as so many things hold pain for me and I have had to learn to love things like singing, listening to the radio, watching a movie, reading a book, taking a walk, visiting with friends, watching a sunset, having family dinners, praying, family activities.  All these things 
were so painful for a time but I have slowly been learning to love them again and letting the pain drain from my experience.  To those who are
struggling, just know it is possible.  I remember watching a movie about Bethany Hamilton (the competitive surfer who lost her arm to a shark attack). At one point in the movie she approached her father and asked if he could help her learn to surf again.  He told her it wasn't going to be easy and her response was, "I don't need easy, I just need possible." That's how I look at my challenges right now, not easy but possible.  Every time I have a moment when I cry my eyes out over something that wasn't supposed to be my job or I have a blow up with one of my children  or I day I'm so exhausted I finally give in and go back to bed I know that it will pass.  Tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, my children and my God will be here loving me and we will find one more tool, one more encouraging word, one more inspirational thought that will keep us all going. It won't be easy to find happiness in the little things and help my family heal but I KNOW IT IS POSSIBLE!

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Stop Selling Yourself Short

Fear and Faith

Finding Light In Our Spiritually Dark Times

I was asked to share my thoughts by means of a 15-20 minute talk in church last month.  It was written in the midst of cold season and presented through tears.  Take it for what it is...I share in the hope that some heart may be helped.

Four years ago my husband was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer.  I’m not going to take too much time going into details today just that it wasn’t quite three years from diagnosis to death.  He died in July of 2016. Through those three years and the year and a half since I’ve experienced a spiritual roller coaster of epic proportions.  There have been days I felt like I was drowning, struggling for breath against a flood of emotions and there have been days of peace made possible by a Savior who chose to suffer this pain for me. His love is strong and constant like the sun. The theme this month is centered around light and Christ being the light and us sharing that light.

Before you tune out this is not a talk about service, this is a talk about how we receive much needed light in our lives during our darkest times.

In a grief course I took last year they explained the emotions associated with grief (and I would say any major trial in our lives) as being in a basement during midday and pulling thick curtains over the windows.  The sun is still there but we cannot see it.  When we face adversity emotion can cloud our vision of the love and help available to us.  It’s not that Heavenly Father there or isn’t aware of us, I’ve even come to understand that in these times He is acutely aware of us, and it isn’t that His love and the healing power of the atonement aren’t available, but our ability to see, hear and understand has been blocked by the excess of emotion we are experiencing. At our house we call this having “Big Feelings.” So how do we end up in these times of spiritual darkness and what can we do about them?

Presdient Uchtdorf in the Oct 2017 general conference explains, “Sometimes spiritual illness comes as a result of sin or emotional wounds. Sometimes spiritual breakdowns come so gradually that we can scarcely tell what is happening.  Like layers of sedimentary rock, spiritual pain and grief can build over time, weighing upon our spirits until it is almost too heavy to bear…We might even feel as though we have no more to give or that living the commandments of God is beyond our strength.”

This hit me really hard.  I’ve experienced that “having no more to give” feeling and even feeling unable at times to do the basic things that I know will build strength. I remember for months attending church meetings to go home completely exhausted from the effort it took to be around other people and keep my emotions in check.  Several times I found myself questioning if it was worth it and the answer was the same every time. “Showing up matters!” So I continued to show up, knowing that it mattered to Heavenly Father that I show up.  I didn’t concern myself with the quality of my contribution but knew that Heavenly Father would bless me for my efforts.

A wise priesthood leader recently explained to me that Heavenly Father does bless us for every obedience, the tricky part of this is that we do not choose the manner in which He blesses us.  We may pay tithing with the expectation that our financial situation will improve or live the law of chastity with the intent to be blessed to find a spouse but that isn’t how it works.  Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom blesses us with what He knows will be the most beneficial for our eternal well being.  Having faith that we are being blessed with what we need and not what we want is NOT an easy thing.

This concept of needing blessings and expecting specific blessings has been a challenge for me.  But when I come back to the simple truth that Heavenly Father loves me and wants what is best for me it makes the process more endurable.

President Uchdorf explains why remembering truth in our times of difficulty is so important, “Whatever causes our spiritual ailments, they all have one thing in common: an absence of divine light. Darkness reduces our ability to see clearly… It dims our vision of that which was at one time plain and clear. When we are in darkness, we are more likely to make poor choices because we cannot see dangers in our path.  When we are in darkness, we are more likely to lose hope because we cannot see the peace and joy that await us if we just keep pressing forward.”

It was during one such time I remember asking myself, “do I have a testimony?”, “does praying really change anything.” In these times it was the prayers of family and friends that kept me going and leaning on the light of their testimonies that kept me on the right path.

President Uchtdorf continues, “Light, on the other hand, allows us to see things as they really are.  It allows us to discern between truth and error, between the vital and the trivial. When we are in the light, we have a “perfect brightness of hope” because we can see our mortal trials from an eternal perspective. We will find spiritual healing as we step away from the shadows of the world and into the everlasting Light of Christ.”

I have learned that during times of spiritual struggles it is vitally important to learn to distinguish truth from error.  The adversary works very hard to take truths and twist them just enough to distort our thinking.  A friend of mine taught me a standard for recognizing if something is true.  We know that all truth comes from God.  Anything of God will invite the Spirit, it will FEEL good and right.  So when evaluating a statement focus on how it makes you feel.  I remember in my darkest days feeling a lifting or a brightening whenever anyone spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  One of the thoughts I had a really hard time dismissing was “I can never be happy again.” Others I have struggled with are things like “I can’t give my children the support they need”,  and “I’m just not worth being around.”  All of these felt really bad and it took time and help from friends to talk it out and recognize these lies for what they were and replace those thoughts with their opposite because truth is the opposite of lies.  So the thoughts I worked on inviting were “I can be happy ,” “I am exactly what my children need,” and “I can be a good friend.”

Another time I found it difficult to recognize truth was a day I attended the temple and my grief was very heavy.  I realized the memories of my husband were beginning to fad and it was breaking my heart.  I felt my only options were to hold on to those memories as hard as I could and the pain that came with them or to allow them to slowly fade and take the pain with them.  That’s another way to recognize a lie is when we feel we have only one option or, as in this case, only two options, both of which are terrible.  In reality we have many options, some of which we may not even see yet. This is one of the adversaries favorite lies because he is the one who doesn’t have any options.

The feeling the reigned my mind this day was fear. In 2 Tim 1:7 it reads, “For God hath not given us the Spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” When I feel fear now I try to recognize that what I am thinking is not from God and I need to do something to invite the Spirit back into my mind to dispel that fear and worry. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that my vision is clouded and I need to reach out to a friend for help. Many times I have been rescued by my fear when I hear a friend, family member, or even complete stranger speak truth

I want to share another example of finding truth to dispel spiritual darkness.

When Matt’s cancer came back the second time I remember being in Primary and the theme was miracles that Christ performed.  Miracles have been a very touchy subject for me over the past few years as we understand that NOTHING is beyond Heavenly Father’s ability to do and we occasionally hear stories of miraculous healings. I struggled with this concept for a long time before my answer started to come together bit by bit.  Part of my answer was found in the song the Primary children sang two years ago that taught, “I know this, of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me.” Do you remember how strong the Spirit was as the primary children sang those words? This song was a beautiful reminder that the physical healings that Christ performed, while grand in scope,  are not as miraculous as the healing power of His atonement to purify and heal our hearts ultimately making us more prepared to receive eternal happiness.

I continued to receive bits and pieces of answers but felt dissatisfied.  I continued to feel frustrated each time someone shared a miracle story and wondered why Matt didn’t get that kind of healing. This past conference there was a talk that addressed this very topic.  Elder Hallstrom shared the following, “My limited knowledge cannot explain why sometimes there is divine intervention and other times there is not…” He challenged us to ponder where we place our faith.  Do we place our faith in physical healing, relief from financial or emotional hardship or do we place our faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father?

He concluded his remarks stating, “While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children…We are all living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead.” What a beautiful testimony of truth.  I had to look for this talk as I didn’t remember the speaker or even the session it was shared but what was vivid in my mind and what the spirit testified is that I had received a much seeked after answer.  “Focus on the miracle of the atonement.”  That message burned into my soul and dispelled some of the darkness I was feeling and that was a miracle.

The topic I was given today was being Bearers of the Light and I feel impressed to share that we must continually seek to grow that light within ourselves through seeking truth and dispelling lies.  Pres Uchtdorf said, “it is our quest to seek the Lord until His light of everlasting life burns brightly within us and our testimony becomes confident and strong even in the midst of darkness.”

Whatever portion of light you have will show in all you do.  It changes the way we see the world.  Now, for those of you who just had that guilty feeling of “not good enough” creep in I invite you to recognize that is a lie.  You are a child of God, from a heritage of the divine.  Focus on the light you do have and look for opportunities to invite the spirit into your life.  The adversary works very hard to cloud our vision of the good we do as discouragement is one of his best weapons. Please notice that “not good enough” feeling doesn’t feel good and based on our earlier standard can be identified as untruth and replaced with its opposite which would be “I am more than enough, I am loved, I am a child of God and He loves me.” Notice how those feel.  That is truth.

I testify to you that you are here on this earth for a reason.  You are working out your own salvation one day, one word, one moment at a time.  You will be tested and tried and there will be days when you feel unequal to the task.  Heavenly Father did not intend for you to accomplish the work of your life by yourself.  Reach out to Him; reach out to other people.  Some of the greatest insights I have received come when I confide in a friend that I am struggling and they share some amazing truth they learned through struggling with their own imperfections.  There is power in leaning on each other and learning from others’ experience.  Heavenly Father made us very capable but He also gave us weaknesses so we would recognize our need for help, our need for Him.  He always works through imperfect people. Please remember the work in which you are engaged is the work of a lifetime.  It won’t happen in a day or even a year.  Be patient, be faithful and know you are loved.

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Lessons In Grief-Part 2

I called a widow friend to check in the day after Father's Day. Knowing how difficult the day had been for myself and my children as it was the first Father's Day since their dad passed. I'm not sure what I expected by asking this question but the honesty in her response was both shocking and refreshing. "I cried for four hours." 

That's what people who have experienced catastrophic loss do, they cry, they take long walks and long baths, they search for that outlet that helps their body and mind work through the pain. They put together jigsaw puzzles and scrapbook and read old journal entries while constantly composing new ones in their heads. They cry themselves to sleep while listening to the same two sad songs over and over again. Well, maybe that's not what everyone does but that's what I do.

Something I have learned about our society is that when it comes to tragedy we suck at dealing with it. The only consistent things we teach are that saying nothing is the only thing worse than saying/doing nothing and to hand someone a Kleenex when they cry.

I've learned over the past year that Kleenex have their place but there is that tears have power. Tears cleanse, tears have consistently been healing for me and they work better when I allow myself to feel them deeply and allow them to slowly make their way down my cheeks before dripping onto my body. The weight of my grief releases as they fall and after I have allowed time for them to flow freely there will be time to clean myself up, brush myself off and go again.

I often find myself wishing there was a Band-Aid type solution to my grief and in a society full of fast food and instant gratification there are things that offer temporary relief but the reality is we work through the big stuff a little at a time, day after day, allowing ourselves to feel day after day. We must choose a path of healing and while that choice may seem difficult, the other option is to bury it, avoid it and let it slowly take away our ability to feel.

When we choose to feel we put ourselves on a path to find healing and though it's a slow and painful process it is possible...at least that's what I have been told. It's been 11 months now and I have progressed from a feeling of drowning to feeling waves that occasionally knock me over. They are getting farther in-between and less intense as time goes on.

Lessons In Grief-Part 1

Finding Joy

Doing The Impossible

Lessons in Grief- Part 1

I need to preface this post by explaining that I am having a good week.  Each week gets a little easier as we settle into our new normal.  Most of the things in this post were things I learned early on when things were still REALLY HARD so don't everyone panic and think I'm falling apart.  I have difficult moments but overall we're doing well. Having said that, I feel that there are some who need to hear some of these things and, as always, I share with the hope that it may help someone who needs to hear it. I also recognize that the loss of my husband is being felt by more than just myself and though each feels it in their own way there are things that helped me and I hope they will help you too.

Grief is different than I expected. Part of what makes grief difficult is that it doesn't always manifest in the same way, some days grief causes sobbing and other days it aches it can even be smiles of memories followed by painful emptiness.  Sometimes it even causes nausea, headaches and other physical pain. I've been attending a GriefShare class for three weeks and I highly recommend it for anyone who has suffered a loss. It's helped me understand the effects grief is having on my mind and body and recognizing that's what is happening and understand it is completely normal.

Some of the things that stuck out to me are that the denial phase can last six to nine months, it takes that long for the heart to catch up with your head. Mine did not last that long but that's because I started grieving when my husband received his diagnosis. Something else that occurs with loss is shock. I would describe shock as your brain refusing to process emotion because it's overloaded. It is a mechanism the body uses to survive trauma; it doesn’t allow you to process things you can't handle. I would say my denial phase lasted about 6-10 weeks. It wasn't until that point that I really started to address the things I was thinking and feeling and work through them and that only happened because someone told me if I didn’t work through these feeling I would carry them with me FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Even coming to the point of being ready to begin the grieving process was challenging and I was very blessed to be guided to the people who could help this happen. I put it off for quite a while before accepting that I needed to grieve and even now my instinct is to avoid it. At first it seemed like it would be easier to avoid my emotions but each time I would have a good cry I felt lighter the next day.

I remember realizing one day that I didn't know how to grieve and at that point I started praying to know what to do. I considered counseling before I was invited to GriefShare and just knew I needed some direction. I may still need counseling at some point, I'm open to it and pray to know what is right for me. A couple friends also invited me to join a widows and widower support group on Facebook. I've learned so much in the past month it's hard to summarize it in one blog post. The two most important things I've learned are that grief takes time...lots of it and that the first year will be very difficult at times and the second year will be a little better. The second thing is that grief isn't something that needs to be fixed, it is something to be experienced. The hard part of that is that I don't control when I need to feel grief. I can be fine one moment and I will see, hear or think something that will bring me instantly to tears. It's frustrating but I take great comfort in knowing this is completely normal.

One more thought on grief, when experiencing grief you rarely experience one emotion at a time or go through the steps of the grieving process in a neat, organized fashion. Grief is messy. You will feel a bunch of emotions at once and some of those emotions even conflict with each other and you don't just experience it once, you go through different parts of the grieving process over and over again as you grieve the individual things you have lost.

If you have experienced a loss please reach out, find a support group or ask for help from a close friend. You can sign up for free daily emails from GriefShare.org to help you learn more and there is a link to find a local group. You don't have to do this alone! Remember God loves you, knows you personally and knows what will help if you will only ask. I take great comfort in meeting others who have walked this path and come out the other side stronger. I know we will get through!

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Lessons In Grief- Part 2

Finding Joy

Fear and Faith

I Am Superman

Oct 1, 2013

For some time I have been contemplating dusting off my blog.  Today I finally found the courage to do it.  I have been following a couple blogs and Facebook groups where people share intensely personal experiences and how the Lord used adversity to help them grow.  It is my desire to share the things I have learned in the hope that it will bless others the way those people have blessed me.

Oct 1, 2013.  This is a day that I will forever remember.  On that day I turned 31 years old.  It is also the day my husband received his cancer diagnosis.  I remember scheduling the appointment thinking why would I want to find someone to watch my little one on my birthday so I can drive with my husband to Seattle to visit with an oncologist?  That thought only lasted a moment before my desire to have an answer as soon as possible pushed it aside.  He'd had an MRI, been sent for a biopsy and now we were getting results back.

I was devastated.  My husband has a heart condition and I knew when I married him there would possibly be complications down the road but I'd never imagined it would be cancer or that he would have trouble so young. Usually when you see an oncologist they sit down with you and make a plan of attack and move forward.  Everyone says it gets better when you know what is going to happen and they feel hope again. The plan was to remove the mass and hope it doesn't come back. No joke, there was no follow-up and no plan B. Only now do I understand the gravity of what that meant.

This month marks the three year anniversary of his cancer diagnosis and he has been called home to the God who gave him life.  I never could would have guessed that his life would have been taken so soon after diagnosis but I have also come to understand that, while extremely difficult, this IS God's plan.  His time on this earth was coming to an end and the cancer was a gift to prepare me to live without him. In essence, God needed him for another work and we were warned that his time on earth was coming to a close.  So often we talk about what cancer takes from us but cancer also gave us the courage to say things sometimes left unsaid, the need to hold each other a little longer and hug our children a little tighter, motivation to spend more time together as a family, and motivated me to work a little harder to be a good wife and create a peaceful atmosphere in our home.

Someone commented to me last October how much our family had grown spiritually and I explained we had paid a high price for those lessons and they pointed out that we continue to pay the price for them.  That is true now more than ever as we grieve Matthew.  I take great comfort in the fact that Heavenly Father has gotten me through every challenge He's ever put in front of me and while it seems impossible that the heartache I feel will ever go away I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ I will experience joy again in this life and the life to come.