Stop Selling Yourself Short

60%, I explained to my sister, I am about 60-70% of the woman I once was.  The conversation had turned deep fast as we talked about the challenges we are currently facing. She was recovering from a bout of pneumonia and I was still adjusting to the idea of a life without my spouse.  She explained something to me that changed the way I saw myself.  She said simply, "if you are doing the best you can, you are operating at 100%."  What a simple concept, yet so profound.

Somewhere along the way I came to understand that my value lies not in who I am but in what I am able to accomplish in a day.  I would make to do lists and trudge through them day after day sometimes missing out on the simple things that are so important to my happiness. How often I chose a chore over a quiet moment with someone I loved based on this valuation.

When did I start to believe I was broken because I couldn't do the laundry list of things that media portrays a "good mom" doing? There is not list of required accomplishments to be a successful human being.  There is not expectation that we all reach the same goals or pursue the same dreams.  How dull life would be if that were true!

Each of us is unique.  Our life goals and aspirations and how we spend our time on any given day will be as unique as we are and it it's time to embrace the beautiful things that make you you.

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Faith and Piano

Cancer Diagnosis

Bit By Bit

About three months ago I ran across some sheet music to a song my husband loved. A friend had encouraged me to use music to help in my grieving process so I was digging through some old stuff. I felt strongly that I needed to sing this specific song at church so I started practicing. I've only sung a solo for a good size group two other times in my life and it was terrifying both times. The feeling persisted and I worked on the song and contacted the person who organizes that stuff and two weeks later I was up on the stand wondering how in the world I was going to get through it. I was very emotional for the start and felt a little sad that my voice and my courage faltered. My accompanist was amazing and helped me along so much.

After it was over I wanted to quickly leave and avoid people’s comments, I felt would be awkward but felt strongly I needed to practice being a gracious receiver so I stayed until the end of the meeting. I was surprised at how many people said "you did so well, I know that was hard so I was praying for you." I thought I had been impressed to sing because someone needed the message of the song but after pondering it for a couple days I came to understand that my initial impression was only part of the reason. As with many things, when God directs us to do something it accomplishes many things.

There were people who needed the message of the song. There were people who needed to see my example of persisting when you are given a seemingly impossible task. But the greatest beneficiary of my work, in the end, was me. I realized that Heavenly Father used this experience as an opportunity for me to show my ward family that even though it has been almost five months since Matt's passing it is still very fresh and I am hurting and need their prayers. I was amazed at the power I have felt from their prayers this week and amazed that something I put so much heart and effort into without really understanding why became a huge blessing to me. The most amazing thing is that I had a question that Heavenly Father gave me an answer bit by bit as I was ready to receive it.

Many times the answers don't come all at once. The scriptures use the phrase line upon line. We receive each piece of the puzzle as we're ready and seek it. As we continue to ask and seek the pieces begin to form a picture and we see how it all fits together. I'm so grateful for this process. I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who wants to teach me and does when I open my mind to learn.

Lessons in Grief- Part 1

I need to preface this post by explaining that I am having a good week.  Each week gets a little easier as we settle into our new normal.  Most of the things in this post were things I learned early on when things were still REALLY HARD so don't everyone panic and think I'm falling apart.  I have difficult moments but overall we're doing well. Having said that, I feel that there are some who need to hear some of these things and, as always, I share with the hope that it may help someone who needs to hear it. I also recognize that the loss of my husband is being felt by more than just myself and though each feels it in their own way there are things that helped me and I hope they will help you too.

Grief is different than I expected. Part of what makes grief difficult is that it doesn't always manifest in the same way, some days grief causes sobbing and other days it aches it can even be smiles of memories followed by painful emptiness.  Sometimes it even causes nausea, headaches and other physical pain. I've been attending a GriefShare class for three weeks and I highly recommend it for anyone who has suffered a loss. It's helped me understand the effects grief is having on my mind and body and recognizing that's what is happening and understand it is completely normal.

Some of the things that stuck out to me are that the denial phase can last six to nine months, it takes that long for the heart to catch up with your head. Mine did not last that long but that's because I started grieving when my husband received his diagnosis. Something else that occurs with loss is shock. I would describe shock as your brain refusing to process emotion because it's overloaded. It is a mechanism the body uses to survive trauma; it doesn’t allow you to process things you can't handle. I would say my denial phase lasted about 6-10 weeks. It wasn't until that point that I really started to address the things I was thinking and feeling and work through them and that only happened because someone told me if I didn’t work through these feeling I would carry them with me FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Even coming to the point of being ready to begin the grieving process was challenging and I was very blessed to be guided to the people who could help this happen. I put it off for quite a while before accepting that I needed to grieve and even now my instinct is to avoid it. At first it seemed like it would be easier to avoid my emotions but each time I would have a good cry I felt lighter the next day.

I remember realizing one day that I didn't know how to grieve and at that point I started praying to know what to do. I considered counseling before I was invited to GriefShare and just knew I needed some direction. I may still need counseling at some point, I'm open to it and pray to know what is right for me. A couple friends also invited me to join a widows and widower support group on Facebook. I've learned so much in the past month it's hard to summarize it in one blog post. The two most important things I've learned are that grief takes time...lots of it and that the first year will be very difficult at times and the second year will be a little better. The second thing is that grief isn't something that needs to be fixed, it is something to be experienced. The hard part of that is that I don't control when I need to feel grief. I can be fine one moment and I will see, hear or think something that will bring me instantly to tears. It's frustrating but I take great comfort in knowing this is completely normal.

One more thought on grief, when experiencing grief you rarely experience one emotion at a time or go through the steps of the grieving process in a neat, organized fashion. Grief is messy. You will feel a bunch of emotions at once and some of those emotions even conflict with each other and you don't just experience it once, you go through different parts of the grieving process over and over again as you grieve the individual things you have lost.

If you have experienced a loss please reach out, find a support group or ask for help from a close friend. You can sign up for free daily emails from GriefShare.org to help you learn more and there is a link to find a local group. You don't have to do this alone! Remember God loves you, knows you personally and knows what will help if you will only ask. I take great comfort in meeting others who have walked this path and come out the other side stronger. I know we will get through!

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Lessons In Grief- Part 2

Finding Joy

Fear and Faith

I Am Superman

Faith and Piano

I started learning to play the piano in the second grade. For those who have never learned to play an instrument it is a SLOW process this process is also used in sports. So the process requires time each day working steadily to get better bit by bit, a little every day. Something I have always found interesting about piano is that if you stop practicing, even for a little while, your ability seems to decrease.  It’s like walking the wrong way on one of those moving sidewalks at the airport, if you stop you’re actually moving backward. Because of this fact consistent practice is key to building skill.

Faith is like that too. There have been many times when I come to a challenge that tries my faith and think, "I should have this, no problem," but I find my faith insufficient to the task. I think, "but I thought I had faith?!?" I've come to understand that faith is a process, much like learning sports or an instrument; it's something we build every day. Our ability to use our faith develops a little at a time as it is tried and tested time after time. In order to grow our faith we must persist in the face of our challenges, knowing God is with us. We strengthen our faith by consistently obeying God’s commandments, reaching out to Him in daily prayer and studying His word. Just like playing the piano if we take a break from these things, or get angry with God and withdraw for a time, we lose a little ground and need to build it up again.

I am positive I will never be a concert pianist or that I will have faith to move a mountain but I will continue to plug away, enhancing my ability day after day. I’m recommitting to daily prayer and study today and you can too!  Let’s do the little things that will help us feel closer to God and allow us to more fully feel His love and receive His guidance. Just as I'd never consider myself proficient enough at the piano to not need practice but I know enough to enjoy playing and accompany every once in a while, my faith is still growing but sufficient to act, to endure and to find joy. It is because of this that we can enjoy the beautiful music of faith in our lives.

Another Accident

Well, we just can't seem to stay out of trouble lately.  I was mopping the floor the other day while listening to Pandora on the computer and had set the laptop in front of the microwave with the cord crossing the floor.  I knew this was a bad idea but justified it because the kids were outside and I could keep it away from them.  Not long after the kids came in the house and after telling them three times to stay out of the kitchen my laptop was on the floor broken.

 

I must admit I was pretty upset but then I thought, better a broken laptop than a broken child.  One of my first thoughts was total disappointment because I had just downloaded an entire year of pictures onto it and the thought of loosing them was pretty devistating.  Luckily, it wasn't long before my husband (who will for all future purposes be refered to as "the most compitent man alive") came home, hooked the laptop up to the desktop computer monitor.  I've been operating that way for two weeks now.  The other day my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him a new laptop screen. :)  To be completly honest I'm just glad it's still working.

Update:  I got a new screen for my birthday.  My hubby ordered it online for $65 and spent a couple of hours taking it apart (following the directions online) and putting it back together.  Now he can say he knows our computer inside and out. :)  I did have a bit of a scare the day it came.  I was out in the back yard finnishing staining the playhouse when the mailman came.  They opened the box, unwrapped the screen and carried it out so I could see it.  We were so lucky it didn't get dropped.