I have always thought
it strange when people ask offhandedly "how many kids are you going to
have?" I used to think that was a pretty normal question...until I started
having children. When Matt and I married we were in our mid-twenties, we had
met, dated and were married in a relatively short time so when we started
talking about having a family I was very intimidated by the thought...not to
mention I had just spent four years earning a college degree in preparation for
a career. My husband encouraged me to pray about it and I felt strongly that it
was time to start our family. Within the first three years of marriage we had
our first two children and purchased our first home.
At this time my life
felt pretty full. I remember about two months after our second was born I had
been praying to know what God had in store for me and that my heart would be
open to whatever that was. There was a day I remember clearly pondering on this
and feeling strongly that we were to have another child. I was so shocked by this
thought. I was in the middle of that "new baby" phase where no one's
getting any sleep. My immediate thought was that Good must be crazy...but the
thought was so clear and I felt it so strongly that I knew it was an answer to
my prayer. Time passed and my intention was to get my new baby through his
first three years before we started trying for a third.
Life was busy and
crazy with two busy little boys and before long those three years had passed.
Eventually we started trying for a third. Months turned into a year and my
frustration grew as things didn't go as planned. With time I became angry as
our righteous desire, that we felt was inspired, failed to be realized. I often
became angry with God as I was trying to do what I felt directed by Him to do
and it just wasn't happening. Then came real trouble...
My husband was
diagnosed with a rare form of cancer (Read more about that HERE). I won't go into detail but it was
challenging. I remember one day I went up on the roof to clean off debris and
have a heart to heart with God. I felt strongly that if something was going to
happen to my husband I should be doing two things to prepare...the first was to
stop trying for a third child as two children would be manageable on my own and
the second was to brush up my resume and start working toward a career. I felt
strongly that I was NOT to do either of those.
We got through the
first surgery and recovery and not long after I was expecting our third. We
held our breath with each cancer screening and for a year were blessed with
clean scans. When my third was five months old the cancer came back never to leave again. Our little guy was a bright spot through the next surgery and
into subsequent treatment. He was his daddy's buddy.
My husband became our
guardian angel two months before our little's second birthday. It seemed so unfair (you
can read more on this HERE). I have often thought about how different my life
would be without number three. At times I've even doubted if I understood
correctly what God was trying to tell me all those years ago. Recently I've had
a shift in perspective, now I begin with, "I know this is what God wants
for me," and from there ask, "what now?" It is incredible how
this has changed how I feel about my life. I spent so much time feeling stuck
in this role as a solo parent and now I'm wondering what God is trying to
accomplish and moving forward, as I did before, praying to have a heart and
mind open to whatever it is he is trying to accomplish in and through me now.
Sometimes the direction I'm sent makes about as much sense as 1+1=5 but each time I follow what I feel to be right it works out in the long run. Sometimes I fight it, sometimes I put it off for a time, but it does work out for my good.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV
Read More Here:
When You Feel Your Hands Are Tied
The Road Less Traveled By
When We Get Knocked Down
Sometimes the direction I'm sent makes about as much sense as 1+1=5 but each time I follow what I feel to be right it works out in the long run. Sometimes I fight it, sometimes I put it off for a time, but it does work out for my good.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV
Read More Here:
When You Feel Your Hands Are Tied
The Road Less Traveled By
When We Get Knocked Down
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