Lessons In Grief - When The Dust Clears

Shock. Denial. Anger. Acceptance. Healing.

Grief cycles.  So they say...

What they don't say is that it ebbs and flows, surges and floods and sometimes emotions are just too tangled to understand. Then comes the anxiety of dealing with people's well intentioned advice. There were SO many days when I just needed someone to sit with me, not try to fix me or talk it out but just be... but I was too ashamed of everything I was feeling to let someone do that. Slowly I pushed people away, it got easier to tell people off. It hurt to keep them at distance but not as much as seeing the look in their eyes when I let the really see what I was going through. I was a shell of the person I was. I bounced back and forth between being completely numb and completely overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. (I didn't fully understand how hard it was on my friends to watch my pain until I had someone open up to me about their spouse passing and it is difficult to be on the other side of that too.  I truly have some ROCK STAR friends.)

One of the most important things I learned during this time was that there is no such thing as a "bad emotion". My whole life I had this perception that I wasn't supposed to feel angry or sad or frustrated about things but in reality it wasn't the emotions I was needing to regulate but how I reacted to those emotions. Emotions themselves aren't inherently good or bad, they just are (this TED talk explains this concept so well). From a spiritual perspective I came to understand that a divine creator, with infinite wisdom, gave us the ability to feel for a purpose. With this realization my focus changed from trying to control my emotions to recognizing what I was feeling, acknowledging the feeling (naming it if needed), and allowing myself to work through the emotion hopefully allowing it to serve whatever purpose it might have and then let it go.

I started seeing my mind and body as a super highway for emotions. When I used the recognize, feel, release method I functioned okay. When I would avoid an emotion I wasn't ready to feel or held on to an emotion that had already served its purpose (like anger) it caused traffic jams and I could feel the stress of the congestion. When I recognized how my emotions could build up and cause tension in my body learning tools for emotional release became a high priority. (I also recognized that when the tension built up it often manifested in angry outbursts.)

Here are some ideas for dealing with emotional back ups:

Hot baths- heat forces tension out of muscles, massage also does this

Distraction- engaging your mind in another task so you get a break from current stressors (I call this "shelving" the issue to be dealt with later) Kent Allen teaches a similar method for training our brains to move back into a space from grieving to joy (listen to his remarks HERE).
Brain Dump- writing out what you're feeling in a journal and getting it out of your head
Walk It Out- by physically moving forward we show our brain that we can move forward emotionally as well (Martha, Hickman explains this in Healing After Loss).
Aromatherapy- Citrus oils lift mood, Wood oils help in feeling supported, and Florals aid in relaxation (I like to do Lavendar and Cedarwood in my hot bath)
Get Moving- Physical activity has been great for helping me burn off frustration and anger. Hitting a ball, digging, scrubbing, running, anything that gets your heart pumping can have this effect.
Music- Singing can be a great emotional outlet as well as playing an instrument or just listening.
Cry it Out-I have learned that tears can be healing. Fighting it tends to back up the emotional highway.
Hydrate- For some reason my body (including mind and emotions) functions better with proper hydration.

Read More Here:

The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

What Was God Thinking

Falling Apart