In Which I Perfect The Pity Party and End It Early

Written January 2018

I cannot count the number of miserable moments I've had in the past five years. If you'd asked me during my husband's cancer journey if I knew what it was to face hard things I'd have told you I was an expert. Little did I know that my journey into difficult things was only just beginning. If someone told me a single event could cause a person to hurt so deeply for so long I wouldn't have believed them. My grief has taken me places I never wanted to go and when I chose to stay in the darkness I experienced what I called, "going down the rabbit hole." This is when one negative thought leads to another and before you know it you're in deep, so deep that you can't see the light of day.

In Jerry Sittser's book, A Grace Disguised, he talks about grief being a darkness we must choose to walk into. There are things that need to be felt to heal and we must work through those feelings. I completely agree it needs to be felt but what I often forget while walking through the darkness is YOU MUST KEEP MOVING. If you enter the darkness and set up camp your healing stops, your progress stops. Niel A Maxwell explains that, "...all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. (Ensign, Nov 1976)"

Six months after my spouse passed suddenly I had a friend challenge me to make grieving a priority. I felt that wasn't possible with my responsibilities of running a household and caring for my three young children (then 9, 7, and 2). She suggested making a list of the things that needed done and asking God to send someone to take care of them so I could grieve. It sounded a little bit crazy but it struck a chord so I gave it a try.  The flood of support that came was astonishing. We had people from church, school, preschool, and family helping with yard work, decorating for Christmas, making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining children. The most amazing part is that it didn't come all at once in an overwhelming wave, it came in bits and pieces here and there when it was most needed. We were out of town at Christmas and I had an especially thoughtful friend call and ask if she could come take down my Christmas decorations as that might be difficult, she was SO right.

I spent SO much time worrying about getting through that first year and was quite concerned about how I would get through the many years to come but with each act of love my fear subsided. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." Like light and darkness, fear and love cannot coexist. As each person showed up for me the fear subsided. That year I made a Facebook live video instead of sending out Christmas cards. It was far easier and I'm so glad I did as I had forgotten how blessed my life had been. Here I am 2 1/2 years later still trying to make sense of my loss and my life post-loss being reminded that God really does answer prayers and He really does send help when we ask and are humble enough to receive it (which is really difficult for me). 

I echo what I said in this video so long ago, "we feel so blessed  to be part of your lives when it wasn't  (and isn't) easy for us to be part of others' lives...we're doing so well because of your love, your prayers, and your service." I will hold onto that when the days get long, as they often do knowing that it is your love, and God's love, that will get me through one more day.

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