In Which I Perfect The Pity Party and End It Early

Written January 2018

I cannot count the number of miserable moments I've had in the past five years. If you'd asked me during my husband's cancer journey if I knew what it was to face hard things I'd have told you I was an expert. Little did I know that my journey into difficult things was only just beginning. If someone told me a single event could cause a person to hurt so deeply for so long I wouldn't have believed them. My grief has taken me places I never wanted to go and when I chose to stay in the darkness I experienced what I called, "going down the rabbit hole." This is when one negative thought leads to another and before you know it you're in deep, so deep that you can't see the light of day.

In Jerry Sittser's book, A Grace Disguised, he talks about grief being a darkness we must choose to walk into. There are things that need to be felt to heal and we must work through those feelings. I completely agree it needs to be felt but what I often forget while walking through the darkness is YOU MUST KEEP MOVING. If you enter the darkness and set up camp your healing stops, your progress stops. Niel A Maxwell explains that, "...all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. (Ensign, Nov 1976)"

Six months after my spouse passed suddenly I had a friend challenge me to make grieving a priority. I felt that wasn't possible with my responsibilities of running a household and caring for my three young children (then 9, 7, and 2). She suggested making a list of the things that needed done and asking God to send someone to take care of them so I could grieve. It sounded a little bit crazy but it struck a chord so I gave it a try.  The flood of support that came was astonishing. We had people from church, school, preschool, and family helping with yard work, decorating for Christmas, making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining children. The most amazing part is that it didn't come all at once in an overwhelming wave, it came in bits and pieces here and there when it was most needed. We were out of town at Christmas and I had an especially thoughtful friend call and ask if she could come take down my Christmas decorations as that might be difficult, she was SO right.

I spent SO much time worrying about getting through that first year and was quite concerned about how I would get through the many years to come but with each act of love my fear subsided. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." Like light and darkness, fear and love cannot coexist. As each person showed up for me the fear subsided. That year I made a Facebook live video instead of sending out Christmas cards. It was far easier and I'm so glad I did as I had forgotten how blessed my life had been. Here I am 2 1/2 years later still trying to make sense of my loss and my life post-loss being reminded that God really does answer prayers and He really does send help when we ask and are humble enough to receive it (which is really difficult for me). 

I echo what I said in this video so long ago, "we feel so blessed  to be part of your lives when it wasn't  (and isn't) easy for us to be part of others' lives...we're doing so well because of your love, your prayers, and your service." I will hold onto that when the days get long, as they often do knowing that it is your love, and God's love, that will get me through one more day.

Read More Here:

Making Friends With The Beast

When 1+1=5

When We Get Knocked Down

Oct 1, 2013

Finding Light In Our Spiritually Dark Times

I was asked to share my thoughts by means of a 15-20 minute talk in church last month.  It was written in the midst of cold season and presented through tears.  Take it for what it is...I share in the hope that some heart may be helped.

Four years ago my husband was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer.  I’m not going to take too much time going into details today just that it wasn’t quite three years from diagnosis to death.  He died in July of 2016. Through those three years and the year and a half since I’ve experienced a spiritual roller coaster of epic proportions.  There have been days I felt like I was drowning, struggling for breath against a flood of emotions and there have been days of peace made possible by a Savior who chose to suffer this pain for me. His love is strong and constant like the sun. The theme this month is centered around light and Christ being the light and us sharing that light.

Before you tune out this is not a talk about service, this is a talk about how we receive much needed light in our lives during our darkest times.

In a grief course I took last year they explained the emotions associated with grief (and I would say any major trial in our lives) as being in a basement during midday and pulling thick curtains over the windows.  The sun is still there but we cannot see it.  When we face adversity emotion can cloud our vision of the love and help available to us.  It’s not that Heavenly Father there or isn’t aware of us, I’ve even come to understand that in these times He is acutely aware of us, and it isn’t that His love and the healing power of the atonement aren’t available, but our ability to see, hear and understand has been blocked by the excess of emotion we are experiencing. At our house we call this having “Big Feelings.” So how do we end up in these times of spiritual darkness and what can we do about them?

Presdient Uchtdorf in the Oct 2017 general conference explains, “Sometimes spiritual illness comes as a result of sin or emotional wounds. Sometimes spiritual breakdowns come so gradually that we can scarcely tell what is happening.  Like layers of sedimentary rock, spiritual pain and grief can build over time, weighing upon our spirits until it is almost too heavy to bear…We might even feel as though we have no more to give or that living the commandments of God is beyond our strength.”

This hit me really hard.  I’ve experienced that “having no more to give” feeling and even feeling unable at times to do the basic things that I know will build strength. I remember for months attending church meetings to go home completely exhausted from the effort it took to be around other people and keep my emotions in check.  Several times I found myself questioning if it was worth it and the answer was the same every time. “Showing up matters!” So I continued to show up, knowing that it mattered to Heavenly Father that I show up.  I didn’t concern myself with the quality of my contribution but knew that Heavenly Father would bless me for my efforts.

A wise priesthood leader recently explained to me that Heavenly Father does bless us for every obedience, the tricky part of this is that we do not choose the manner in which He blesses us.  We may pay tithing with the expectation that our financial situation will improve or live the law of chastity with the intent to be blessed to find a spouse but that isn’t how it works.  Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom blesses us with what He knows will be the most beneficial for our eternal well being.  Having faith that we are being blessed with what we need and not what we want is NOT an easy thing.

This concept of needing blessings and expecting specific blessings has been a challenge for me.  But when I come back to the simple truth that Heavenly Father loves me and wants what is best for me it makes the process more endurable.

President Uchdorf explains why remembering truth in our times of difficulty is so important, “Whatever causes our spiritual ailments, they all have one thing in common: an absence of divine light. Darkness reduces our ability to see clearly… It dims our vision of that which was at one time plain and clear. When we are in darkness, we are more likely to make poor choices because we cannot see dangers in our path.  When we are in darkness, we are more likely to lose hope because we cannot see the peace and joy that await us if we just keep pressing forward.”

It was during one such time I remember asking myself, “do I have a testimony?”, “does praying really change anything.” In these times it was the prayers of family and friends that kept me going and leaning on the light of their testimonies that kept me on the right path.

President Uchtdorf continues, “Light, on the other hand, allows us to see things as they really are.  It allows us to discern between truth and error, between the vital and the trivial. When we are in the light, we have a “perfect brightness of hope” because we can see our mortal trials from an eternal perspective. We will find spiritual healing as we step away from the shadows of the world and into the everlasting Light of Christ.”

I have learned that during times of spiritual struggles it is vitally important to learn to distinguish truth from error.  The adversary works very hard to take truths and twist them just enough to distort our thinking.  A friend of mine taught me a standard for recognizing if something is true.  We know that all truth comes from God.  Anything of God will invite the Spirit, it will FEEL good and right.  So when evaluating a statement focus on how it makes you feel.  I remember in my darkest days feeling a lifting or a brightening whenever anyone spoke of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  One of the thoughts I had a really hard time dismissing was “I can never be happy again.” Others I have struggled with are things like “I can’t give my children the support they need”,  and “I’m just not worth being around.”  All of these felt really bad and it took time and help from friends to talk it out and recognize these lies for what they were and replace those thoughts with their opposite because truth is the opposite of lies.  So the thoughts I worked on inviting were “I can be happy ,” “I am exactly what my children need,” and “I can be a good friend.”

Another time I found it difficult to recognize truth was a day I attended the temple and my grief was very heavy.  I realized the memories of my husband were beginning to fad and it was breaking my heart.  I felt my only options were to hold on to those memories as hard as I could and the pain that came with them or to allow them to slowly fade and take the pain with them.  That’s another way to recognize a lie is when we feel we have only one option or, as in this case, only two options, both of which are terrible.  In reality we have many options, some of which we may not even see yet. This is one of the adversaries favorite lies because he is the one who doesn’t have any options.

The feeling the reigned my mind this day was fear. In 2 Tim 1:7 it reads, “For God hath not given us the Spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” When I feel fear now I try to recognize that what I am thinking is not from God and I need to do something to invite the Spirit back into my mind to dispel that fear and worry. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that my vision is clouded and I need to reach out to a friend for help. Many times I have been rescued by my fear when I hear a friend, family member, or even complete stranger speak truth

I want to share another example of finding truth to dispel spiritual darkness.

When Matt’s cancer came back the second time I remember being in Primary and the theme was miracles that Christ performed.  Miracles have been a very touchy subject for me over the past few years as we understand that NOTHING is beyond Heavenly Father’s ability to do and we occasionally hear stories of miraculous healings. I struggled with this concept for a long time before my answer started to come together bit by bit.  Part of my answer was found in the song the Primary children sang two years ago that taught, “I know this, of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me.” Do you remember how strong the Spirit was as the primary children sang those words? This song was a beautiful reminder that the physical healings that Christ performed, while grand in scope,  are not as miraculous as the healing power of His atonement to purify and heal our hearts ultimately making us more prepared to receive eternal happiness.

I continued to receive bits and pieces of answers but felt dissatisfied.  I continued to feel frustrated each time someone shared a miracle story and wondered why Matt didn’t get that kind of healing. This past conference there was a talk that addressed this very topic.  Elder Hallstrom shared the following, “My limited knowledge cannot explain why sometimes there is divine intervention and other times there is not…” He challenged us to ponder where we place our faith.  Do we place our faith in physical healing, relief from financial or emotional hardship or do we place our faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father?

He concluded his remarks stating, “While it is good to pray for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence, our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all of God’s children…We are all living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead.” What a beautiful testimony of truth.  I had to look for this talk as I didn’t remember the speaker or even the session it was shared but what was vivid in my mind and what the spirit testified is that I had received a much seeked after answer.  “Focus on the miracle of the atonement.”  That message burned into my soul and dispelled some of the darkness I was feeling and that was a miracle.

The topic I was given today was being Bearers of the Light and I feel impressed to share that we must continually seek to grow that light within ourselves through seeking truth and dispelling lies.  Pres Uchtdorf said, “it is our quest to seek the Lord until His light of everlasting life burns brightly within us and our testimony becomes confident and strong even in the midst of darkness.”

Whatever portion of light you have will show in all you do.  It changes the way we see the world.  Now, for those of you who just had that guilty feeling of “not good enough” creep in I invite you to recognize that is a lie.  You are a child of God, from a heritage of the divine.  Focus on the light you do have and look for opportunities to invite the spirit into your life.  The adversary works very hard to cloud our vision of the good we do as discouragement is one of his best weapons. Please notice that “not good enough” feeling doesn’t feel good and based on our earlier standard can be identified as untruth and replaced with its opposite which would be “I am more than enough, I am loved, I am a child of God and He loves me.” Notice how those feel.  That is truth.

I testify to you that you are here on this earth for a reason.  You are working out your own salvation one day, one word, one moment at a time.  You will be tested and tried and there will be days when you feel unequal to the task.  Heavenly Father did not intend for you to accomplish the work of your life by yourself.  Reach out to Him; reach out to other people.  Some of the greatest insights I have received come when I confide in a friend that I am struggling and they share some amazing truth they learned through struggling with their own imperfections.  There is power in leaning on each other and learning from others’ experience.  Heavenly Father made us very capable but He also gave us weaknesses so we would recognize our need for help, our need for Him.  He always works through imperfect people. Please remember the work in which you are engaged is the work of a lifetime.  It won’t happen in a day or even a year.  Be patient, be faithful and know you are loved.

If you found this article helpful you might like:

Making Friends With The Beast

Most Important Things

Finding Joy

My Hands Are Tied

Lessons In Grief-Part 2

I called a widow friend to check in the day after Father's Day. Knowing how difficult the day had been for myself and my children as it was the first Father's Day since their dad passed. I'm not sure what I expected by asking this question but the honesty in her response was both shocking and refreshing. "I cried for four hours." 

That's what people who have experienced catastrophic loss do, they cry, they take long walks and long baths, they search for that outlet that helps their body and mind work through the pain. They put together jigsaw puzzles and scrapbook and read old journal entries while constantly composing new ones in their heads. They cry themselves to sleep while listening to the same two sad songs over and over again. Well, maybe that's not what everyone does but that's what I do.

Something I have learned about our society is that when it comes to tragedy we suck at dealing with it. The only consistent things we teach are that saying nothing is the only thing worse than saying/doing nothing and to hand someone a Kleenex when they cry.

I've learned over the past year that Kleenex have their place but there is that tears have power. Tears cleanse, tears have consistently been healing for me and they work better when I allow myself to feel them deeply and allow them to slowly make their way down my cheeks before dripping onto my body. The weight of my grief releases as they fall and after I have allowed time for them to flow freely there will be time to clean myself up, brush myself off and go again.

I often find myself wishing there was a Band-Aid type solution to my grief and in a society full of fast food and instant gratification there are things that offer temporary relief but the reality is we work through the big stuff a little at a time, day after day, allowing ourselves to feel day after day. We must choose a path of healing and while that choice may seem difficult, the other option is to bury it, avoid it and let it slowly take away our ability to feel.

When we choose to feel we put ourselves on a path to find healing and though it's a slow and painful process it is possible...at least that's what I have been told. It's been 11 months now and I have progressed from a feeling of drowning to feeling waves that occasionally knock me over. They are getting farther in-between and less intense as time goes on.

Lessons In Grief-Part 1

Finding Joy

Doing The Impossible

Highs and Lows

The highest high and the lowest low I can remember in the past two years happened in the same month. The month before my high/low month we were told that it was time to switch gears from localized cancer treatments to systemic treatments. This was a HUGE red flag as they'd been telling us for some time that they had effective localized treatments but none of the systemic meds were effective beyond stabilizing the disease for a few months.  This happened mid-month. The next two weeks were a flurry of planning and testing in preparation for starting a drug trial in California. I antagonized over the decision to join my husband on the trip or stay home and take care of my children. I always hated not being there when Matt went to the doctor as I always had so many questions and Matt was always so optimistic about his situation that it colored his answers when he would recount the appointment to me later. That's one of the things I really loved about him, he never gave up hope that some big thing would come along and eradicate his disease. The stress of dealing with treatments and the unknown was also starting to get to me at this point. I spent time visiting with my mom and my mother in law taking through the pros and cons of joining him on this trip which went from being a one week trip to being a little over two weeks. I will be forever grateful for their encouraging me to go and their willingness to come up and take care of everything and everyone while I was away.

Our time in California started with a two hour visit with our new oncologist. I had a TON of questions and was so grateful for the almost two hours he took answering them. People with HUGE hearts become oncologists. They are really fighting for a cure; they are VERY invested in getting people well. The words metastatic disease hit me like a ton of bricks and my head was swimming with emotions when we got back to our hotel and let it all sink in. The next two days we took a time to see the sights. There were intermittent phone calls with the doctor but mostly just enjoying the town. The ocean is SO amazing and the Golden Gate Bridge just put me in such awe. After another day of tests we headed south. We had a week break before the next doctor appointment and he was starting oral chemo. They hesitated to call it chemotherapy but that's what it was.

We spent the next week enjoying the scenery in between resting to give his body time to adjust to the new meds. We talked and walked so much. I was amazed at how we never ran out of things to talk about. It was that way when we were dating and it was that way when we was home recovering from surgery, I just never got tired of having him around. We saw beautiful beaches, amazing Redwood trees that have stood since before the birth of Christ, ate amazing food and just enjoyed the time together. After one more quick doctor visit we were on our way home. Part of the justification for the trip was that it would count as our ten year anniversary trip. I'd been planning one in my head for years but was really unsure if we'd really take a vacation since it seemed so selfish. Even as I watched him slow down over the next few months I never imagined I would lose him before we got to ten years. He passed suddenly just four months before our anniversary.

I was reading my journal from the trip this morning and feeling so grateful that we had these beautiful, happy moments in the middle of this huge health issue. There have been moments along the way where I've felt worried and prayed and been counseled not to worry. I assumed that meant my husband's health would improve. The truth of the matter is that worrying would have only served to put extra stress on us all. When I was told "everything will be okay" it didn't mean his body would be healed, it meant that despite the challenges we would face God would watch over us. He would send angels to comfort, help, bless and mourn with us. Matt's death was such a shock and I held on to hope that he would pull through up until the doctor came in and told me he had just hours to live. I spent time feeling very confused and angry that things happened the way they did but I keep coming back to the quiet reassurance that everything will be okay and I know it will. There will be hard days, there will be challenges but God always prepares the way for us to do what He asks of us. I know this to be true.