I was asked to share my thoughts by means of a 15-20 minute talk in church last month. It was written in the midst of cold season and presented through tears. Take it for what it is...I share in the hope that some heart may be helped.
Four years ago my husband was diagnosed with an incurable
form of cancer. I’m not going to take
too much time going into details today just that it wasn’t quite three years
from diagnosis to death. He died in July
of 2016. Through those three years and the year and a half since I’ve
experienced a spiritual roller coaster of epic proportions. There have been days I felt like I was
drowning, struggling for breath against a flood of emotions and there have been
days of peace made possible by a Savior who chose to suffer this pain for me.
His love is strong and constant like the sun. The theme this month is centered
around light and Christ being the light and us sharing that light.
Before you tune out this is not a talk about service, this
is a talk about how we receive much needed light in our lives during our
darkest times.
In a grief course I took last year they explained the
emotions associated with grief (and I would say any major trial in our lives)
as being in a basement during midday and pulling thick curtains over the
windows. The sun is still there but we
cannot see it. When we face adversity
emotion can cloud our vision of the love and help available to us. It’s not that Heavenly Father there or isn’t
aware of us, I’ve even come to understand that in these times He is acutely
aware of us, and it isn’t that His love and the healing power of the atonement
aren’t available, but our ability to see, hear and understand has been blocked
by the excess of emotion we are experiencing. At our house we call this having
“Big Feelings.” So how do we end up in these times of spiritual darkness and
what can we do about them?
Presdient Uchtdorf in the Oct 2017 general conference
explains, “Sometimes spiritual illness comes as a result of sin or emotional
wounds. Sometimes spiritual breakdowns come so gradually that we can scarcely
tell what is happening. Like layers of
sedimentary rock, spiritual pain and grief can build over time, weighing upon
our spirits until it is almost too heavy to bear…We might even feel as though
we have no more to give or that living the commandments of God is beyond our
strength.”
This hit me really hard.
I’ve experienced that “having no more to give” feeling and even feeling
unable at times to do the basic things that I know will build strength. I
remember for months attending church meetings to go home completely exhausted
from the effort it took to be around other people and keep my emotions in
check. Several times I found myself
questioning if it was worth it and the answer was the same every time. “Showing
up matters!” So I continued to show up, knowing that it mattered to Heavenly
Father that I show up. I didn’t concern
myself with the quality of my contribution but knew that Heavenly Father would
bless me for my efforts.
A wise priesthood leader recently explained to me that
Heavenly Father does bless us for every obedience, the tricky part of this is
that we do not choose the manner in which He blesses us. We may pay tithing with the expectation that
our financial situation will improve or live the law of chastity with the
intent to be blessed to find a spouse but that isn’t how it works. Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom
blesses us with what He knows will be the most beneficial for our eternal well
being. Having faith that we are being
blessed with what we need and not what we want is NOT an easy thing.
This concept of needing blessings and expecting specific
blessings has been a challenge for me.
But when I come back to the simple truth that Heavenly Father loves me
and wants what is best for me it makes the process more endurable.
President Uchdorf explains why remembering truth in our
times of difficulty is so important, “Whatever causes our spiritual ailments,
they all have one thing in common: an absence of divine light. Darkness reduces
our ability to see clearly… It dims our vision of that which was at one time
plain and clear. When we are in darkness, we are more likely to make poor
choices because we cannot see dangers in our path. When we are in darkness, we are more likely
to lose hope because we cannot see the peace and joy that await us if we just
keep pressing forward.”
It was during one such time I remember asking myself, “do I
have a testimony?”, “does praying really change anything.” In these times it
was the prayers of family and friends that kept me going and leaning on the
light of their testimonies that kept me on the right path.
President Uchtdorf continues, “Light, on the other hand,
allows us to see things as they really are.
It allows us to discern between truth and error, between the vital and
the trivial. When we are in the light, we have a “perfect brightness of hope”
because we can see our mortal trials from an eternal perspective. We will find
spiritual healing as we step away from the shadows of the world and into the
everlasting Light of Christ.”
I have learned that during times of spiritual struggles it
is vitally important to learn to distinguish truth from error. The adversary works very hard to take truths
and twist them just enough to distort our thinking. A friend of mine taught me a standard for
recognizing if something is true. We
know that all truth comes from God. Anything
of God will invite the Spirit, it will FEEL good and right. So when evaluating a statement focus on how
it makes you feel. I remember in my
darkest days feeling a lifting or a brightening whenever anyone spoke of the
atonement of Jesus Christ. One of the
thoughts I had a really hard time dismissing was “I can never be happy again.”
Others I have struggled with are things like “I can’t give my children the
support they need”, and “I’m just not
worth being around.” All of these felt
really bad and it took time and help from friends to talk it out and recognize
these lies for what they were and replace those thoughts with their opposite
because truth is the opposite of lies.
So the thoughts I worked on inviting were “I can be happy ,” “I am
exactly what my children need,” and “I can be a good friend.”
Another time I found it difficult to recognize truth was a
day I attended the temple and my grief was very heavy. I realized the memories of my husband were
beginning to fad and it was breaking my heart.
I felt my only options were to hold on to those memories as hard as I
could and the pain that came with them or to allow them to slowly fade and take
the pain with them. That’s another way
to recognize a lie is when we feel we have only one option or, as in this case,
only two options, both of which are terrible.
In reality we have many options, some of which we may not even see yet.
This is one of the adversaries favorite lies because he is the one who doesn’t
have any options.
The feeling the reigned my mind this day was fear. In 2 Tim
1:7 it reads, “For God hath not given us the Spirit of fear; but of power, and
of love, and of a sound mind.” When I feel fear now I try to recognize that
what I am thinking is not from God and I need to do something to invite the
Spirit back into my mind to dispel that fear and worry. Sometimes the emotions
are so strong that my vision is clouded and I need to reach out to a friend for
help. Many times I have been rescued by my fear when I hear a friend, family
member, or even complete stranger speak truth
I want to share another example of finding truth to dispel
spiritual darkness.
When Matt’s cancer came back the second time I remember
being in Primary and the theme was miracles that Christ performed. Miracles have been a very touchy subject for
me over the past few years as we understand that NOTHING is beyond Heavenly
Father’s ability to do and we occasionally hear stories of miraculous healings.
I struggled with this concept for a long time before my answer started to come
together bit by bit. Part of my answer
was found in the song the Primary children sang two years ago that taught, “I
know this, of all His miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that
rescues me.” Do you remember how strong the Spirit was as the primary children
sang those words? This song was a beautiful reminder that the physical healings
that Christ performed, while grand in scope, are not as miraculous as the healing power of
His atonement to purify and heal our hearts ultimately making us more prepared
to receive eternal happiness.
I continued to receive bits and pieces of answers but felt
dissatisfied. I continued to feel
frustrated each time someone shared a miracle story and wondered why Matt
didn’t get that kind of healing. This past conference there was a talk that
addressed this very topic. Elder
Hallstrom shared the following, “My limited knowledge cannot explain why
sometimes there is divine intervention and other times there is not…” He
challenged us to ponder where we place our faith. Do we place our faith in physical healing,
relief from financial or emotional hardship or do we place our faith in Jesus
Christ and Heavenly Father?
He concluded his remarks stating, “While it is good to pray
for and work for physical protection and healing during our mortal existence,
our supreme focus should be on the spiritual miracles that are available to all
of God’s children…We are all living a miracle, and further miracles lie ahead.”
What a beautiful testimony of truth. I
had to look for this talk as I didn’t remember the speaker or even the session
it was shared but what was vivid in my mind and what the spirit testified is
that I had received a much seeked after answer.
“Focus on the miracle of the atonement.”
That message burned into my soul and dispelled some of the darkness I
was feeling and that was a miracle.
The topic I was given today was being Bearers of the Light
and I feel impressed to share that we must continually seek to grow that light
within ourselves through seeking truth and dispelling lies. Pres Uchtdorf said, “it is our quest to seek
the Lord until His light of everlasting life burns brightly within us and our
testimony becomes confident and strong even in the midst of darkness.”
Whatever portion of light you have will show in all you
do. It changes the way we see the
world. Now, for those of you who just
had that guilty feeling of “not good enough” creep in I invite you to recognize
that is a lie. You are a child of God,
from a heritage of the divine. Focus on
the light you do have and look for opportunities to invite the spirit into your
life. The adversary works very hard to cloud
our vision of the good we do as discouragement is one of his best weapons.
Please notice that “not good enough” feeling doesn’t feel good and based on our
earlier standard can be identified as untruth and replaced with its opposite
which would be “I am more than enough, I am loved, I am a child of God and He
loves me.” Notice how those feel. That
is truth.
I testify to you that you are here on this earth for a
reason. You are working out your own
salvation one day, one word, one moment at a time. You will be tested and tried and there will
be days when you feel unequal to the task.
Heavenly Father did not intend for you to accomplish the work of your
life by yourself. Reach out to Him; reach
out to other people. Some of the greatest
insights I have received come when I confide in a friend that I am struggling
and they share some amazing truth they learned through struggling with their
own imperfections. There is power in
leaning on each other and learning from others’ experience. Heavenly Father made us very capable but He
also gave us weaknesses so we would recognize our need for help, our need for
Him. He always works through imperfect
people. Please remember the work in which you are engaged is the work of a
lifetime. It won’t happen in a day or
even a year. Be patient, be faithful and
know you are loved.
If you found this article helpful you might like:
Making Friends With The Beast
Most Important Things
Finding Joy
My Hands Are Tied
Knowing how I feel about myself and my capabilities and shortcomings I am certain I would not have chosen the path I am now walking for myself. If someone had told me ten years ago I would have three children and marry and bury a husband in the next ten years I would have stopped dating for fear it might actually happen. Nothing could have prepared me for the difficulties I have faced in that time; but at the same time no one could have accurately explained the moments of PURE JOY I would experience. The most vivid memories I have are the day I married my husband, the birth of each of my children and a CA trip with my husband the year he passed. So, I guess the question is, would I give up those amazing parts in order to avoid the difficult times? Honestly, I wouldn't give up the good stuff for anything and that is the reward of the hard days, I get to keep the good ones and not matter how bad it gets or how frustrated I feel I still have that good stuff to lean on.
