When Cancer Came

I dedicate this post to all those who really want to know what it is like. This is NOT a happy or inspiring post...it's just real.

As I think back on this year and the two previous years it's been a WILD RIDE.  It was kind of like a roller coaster but riding it with the flu and no seat belt...yep, that pretty well describes it.  The foundations of my life have been shaken and I've had to dig deep and see what I'm really made of.

The trial of my faith began the day my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  I remember thinking, people beat cancer all the time, you hear their inspirational stories and how much they learn and grow in the process and that's going to be us.  Every challenge we face after this will be measured, to some degree, by how we faced this one and it will make us so much better and it will be amazing and we'll look back on this in our old age, sitting on our porch in our rocking chairs, and be amazed at how it shaped us.  This was what I anticipated, this was my hope.  This was my BEST CASE SCENARIO.

I have always found comfort in worst case scenarios.  It's kind of twisted buy I've found comfort in knowing that it could have always been worse that what it is.

When the cancer came back the first time I was heartbroken.  The surgeon came in and explained very matter-of-factly that it was back and we were going to repeat the previous surgery with it's week hospital stay and 6-8 week recovery at home and then we hope it doesn't come back.  He left the room and we both wept.  It was one of the handful of times I've seen my husband weep.  We thought we'd learned our lesson, fought our battle and were ready to move on with our lives.  We had a baby right after his first surgery and he was now five months old and the cancer was back?! How could this be the plan?

It was a few months later that scans showed reason for concern and we canceled our vacation plans to stay home for radiation treatments and four months after that further treatment was deemed necessary. We took a trip to visit family knowing when we returned it would be time to determine the next step.

Through all of this I was not naively hopeful.  I studied this specific type of cancer.  I read the research studies and it made me sick to my stomach.  The survival rates didn't look good and as much as I tried to have a positive outlook I felt in my heart that this would be a losing battle.  I HATE TO LOOSE. I've always thought of myself as a fighter.  It was my husband who toned me down.  He was the one who tamed me. He was the calm to my storm.  I have met very few people in my life who could see through the toughness to the tender heart inside and he broke down all my defenses with ease.  He made me WANT to be a wife and mother and even helped me see the value in leaving the workforce to raise our children. The thought of losing this battle was just TOO MUCH.

I went to therapy for a time to deal with the anxiety of life.  The counselor offered some help but ultimately came to the conclusion that my biggest issue was that I was mourning my spouse when he was still alive. I needed to hear it and it I gained some coping skills that got me through for a time. I am grateful that I let go of mourning for a time as is allowed us to enjoy the time we did have though I never could have guessed how short that time would be.

Metastasized, that's the word you never want to hear from your doctor and this one was very careful not to use it.  I both loved and hated him for it. We found ourselves traveling for a drug trial where we finally talked about the implications of that dreaded word. The months that followed were better than they could have been and I kept reassuring myself that the fact that he was still working was a good sign. He went to work every day but spent the rest of the day in a recliner often watching YouTube videos or reading books with our boys while we enjoyed quiet evenings at home. On one such evening our world changed. Within 48 hours he was gone.  No warning, no slow decline, just gone.

Now what? Go back to being the fighter? Put back up the walls that kept me safe for so many years? What now?

If you found this helpful you might like:

Lessons In Grief- Part 1

Lessons in Grief-Part 2

Lessons from 2016

When We Call God Answers