In Which I Perfect The Pity Party and End It Early

Written January 2018

I cannot count the number of miserable moments I've had in the past five years. If you'd asked me during my husband's cancer journey if I knew what it was to face hard things I'd have told you I was an expert. Little did I know that my journey into difficult things was only just beginning. If someone told me a single event could cause a person to hurt so deeply for so long I wouldn't have believed them. My grief has taken me places I never wanted to go and when I chose to stay in the darkness I experienced what I called, "going down the rabbit hole." This is when one negative thought leads to another and before you know it you're in deep, so deep that you can't see the light of day.

In Jerry Sittser's book, A Grace Disguised, he talks about grief being a darkness we must choose to walk into. There are things that need to be felt to heal and we must work through those feelings. I completely agree it needs to be felt but what I often forget while walking through the darkness is YOU MUST KEEP MOVING. If you enter the darkness and set up camp your healing stops, your progress stops. Niel A Maxwell explains that, "...all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. (Ensign, Nov 1976)"

Six months after my spouse passed suddenly I had a friend challenge me to make grieving a priority. I felt that wasn't possible with my responsibilities of running a household and caring for my three young children (then 9, 7, and 2). She suggested making a list of the things that needed done and asking God to send someone to take care of them so I could grieve. It sounded a little bit crazy but it struck a chord so I gave it a try.  The flood of support that came was astonishing. We had people from church, school, preschool, and family helping with yard work, decorating for Christmas, making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining children. The most amazing part is that it didn't come all at once in an overwhelming wave, it came in bits and pieces here and there when it was most needed. We were out of town at Christmas and I had an especially thoughtful friend call and ask if she could come take down my Christmas decorations as that might be difficult, she was SO right.

I spent SO much time worrying about getting through that first year and was quite concerned about how I would get through the many years to come but with each act of love my fear subsided. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." Like light and darkness, fear and love cannot coexist. As each person showed up for me the fear subsided. That year I made a Facebook live video instead of sending out Christmas cards. It was far easier and I'm so glad I did as I had forgotten how blessed my life had been. Here I am 2 1/2 years later still trying to make sense of my loss and my life post-loss being reminded that God really does answer prayers and He really does send help when we ask and are humble enough to receive it (which is really difficult for me). 

I echo what I said in this video so long ago, "we feel so blessed  to be part of your lives when it wasn't  (and isn't) easy for us to be part of others' lives...we're doing so well because of your love, your prayers, and your service." I will hold onto that when the days get long, as they often do knowing that it is your love, and God's love, that will get me through one more day.

Read More Here:

Making Friends With The Beast

When 1+1=5

When We Get Knocked Down

Oct 1, 2013

Lessons In Grief - When The Dust Clears

Shock. Denial. Anger. Acceptance. Healing.

Grief cycles.  So they say...

What they don't say is that it ebbs and flows, surges and floods and sometimes emotions are just too tangled to understand. Then comes the anxiety of dealing with people's well intentioned advice. There were SO many days when I just needed someone to sit with me, not try to fix me or talk it out but just be... but I was too ashamed of everything I was feeling to let someone do that. Slowly I pushed people away, it got easier to tell people off. It hurt to keep them at distance but not as much as seeing the look in their eyes when I let the really see what I was going through. I was a shell of the person I was. I bounced back and forth between being completely numb and completely overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. (I didn't fully understand how hard it was on my friends to watch my pain until I had someone open up to me about their spouse passing and it is difficult to be on the other side of that too.  I truly have some ROCK STAR friends.)

One of the most important things I learned during this time was that there is no such thing as a "bad emotion". My whole life I had this perception that I wasn't supposed to feel angry or sad or frustrated about things but in reality it wasn't the emotions I was needing to regulate but how I reacted to those emotions. Emotions themselves aren't inherently good or bad, they just are (this TED talk explains this concept so well). From a spiritual perspective I came to understand that a divine creator, with infinite wisdom, gave us the ability to feel for a purpose. With this realization my focus changed from trying to control my emotions to recognizing what I was feeling, acknowledging the feeling (naming it if needed), and allowing myself to work through the emotion hopefully allowing it to serve whatever purpose it might have and then let it go.

I started seeing my mind and body as a super highway for emotions. When I used the recognize, feel, release method I functioned okay. When I would avoid an emotion I wasn't ready to feel or held on to an emotion that had already served its purpose (like anger) it caused traffic jams and I could feel the stress of the congestion. When I recognized how my emotions could build up and cause tension in my body learning tools for emotional release became a high priority. (I also recognized that when the tension built up it often manifested in angry outbursts.)

Here are some ideas for dealing with emotional back ups:

Hot baths- heat forces tension out of muscles, massage also does this

Distraction- engaging your mind in another task so you get a break from current stressors (I call this "shelving" the issue to be dealt with later) Kent Allen teaches a similar method for training our brains to move back into a space from grieving to joy (listen to his remarks HERE).
Brain Dump- writing out what you're feeling in a journal and getting it out of your head
Walk It Out- by physically moving forward we show our brain that we can move forward emotionally as well (Martha, Hickman explains this in Healing After Loss).
Aromatherapy- Citrus oils lift mood, Wood oils help in feeling supported, and Florals aid in relaxation (I like to do Lavendar and Cedarwood in my hot bath)
Get Moving- Physical activity has been great for helping me burn off frustration and anger. Hitting a ball, digging, scrubbing, running, anything that gets your heart pumping can have this effect.
Music- Singing can be a great emotional outlet as well as playing an instrument or just listening.
Cry it Out-I have learned that tears can be healing. Fighting it tends to back up the emotional highway.
Hydrate- For some reason my body (including mind and emotions) functions better with proper hydration.

Read More Here:

The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

What Was God Thinking

Falling Apart

When God Makes 1 Plus 1 Equal 5

I have always thought it strange when people ask offhandedly "how many kids are you going to have?" I used to think that was a pretty normal question...until I started having children. When Matt and I married we were in our mid-twenties, we had met, dated and were married in a relatively short time so when we started talking about having a family I was very intimidated by the thought...not to mention I had just spent four years earning a college degree in preparation for a career. My husband encouraged me to pray about it and I felt strongly that it was time to start our family. Within the first three years of marriage we had our first two children and purchased our first home. 

At this time my life felt pretty full. I remember about two months after our second was born I had been praying to know what God had in store for me and that my heart would be open to whatever that was. There was a day I remember clearly pondering on this and feeling strongly that we were to have another child. I was so shocked by this thought. I was in the middle of that "new baby" phase where no one's getting any sleep. My immediate thought was that Good must be crazy...but the thought was so clear and I felt it so strongly that I knew it was an answer to my prayer. Time passed and my intention was to get my new baby through his first three years before we started trying for a third. 

Life was busy and crazy with two busy little boys and before long those three years had passed. Eventually we started trying for a third. Months turned into a year and my frustration grew as things didn't go as planned. With time I became angry as our righteous desire, that we felt was inspired, failed to be realized. I often became angry with God as I was trying to do what I felt directed by Him to do and it just wasn't happening. Then came real trouble...

My husband was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer (Read more about that HERE). I won't go into detail but it was challenging. I remember one day I went up on the roof to clean off debris and have a heart to heart with God. I felt strongly that if something was going to happen to my husband I should be doing two things to prepare...the first was to stop trying for a third child as two children would be manageable on my own and the second was to brush up my resume and start working toward a career. I felt strongly that I was NOT to do either of those.

We got through the first surgery and recovery and not long after I was expecting our third. We held our breath with each cancer screening and for a year were blessed with clean scans. When my third was five months old the cancer came back never to leave again. Our little guy was a bright spot through the next surgery and into subsequent treatment. He was his daddy's buddy.

My husband became our guardian angel two months before our little's second birthday. It seemed so unfair (you can read more on this HERE). I have often thought about how different my life would be without number three. At times I've even doubted if I understood correctly what God was trying to tell me all those years ago. Recently I've had a shift in perspective, now I begin with, "I know this is what God wants for me," and from there ask, "what now?" It is incredible how this has changed how I feel about my life. I spent so much time feeling stuck in this role as a solo parent and now I'm wondering what God is trying to accomplish and moving forward, as I did before, praying to have a heart and mind open to whatever it is he is trying to accomplish in and through me now.

Sometimes the direction I'm sent makes about as much sense as 1+1=5 but each time I follow what I feel to be right it works out in the long run.  Sometimes I fight it, sometimes I put it off for a time, but it does work out for my good.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV

Read More Here:

When You Feel Your Hands Are Tied

The Road Less Traveled By

When We Get Knocked Down