What Was God Thinking!?!

How in the world did I end up here!?!" I can't tell you how many times I've found myself asking this question and it's usually in frustration and anger. (Usually in the middle of cleaning up some literal or emotional explosion caused by the literal toddler or the angry inner toddler my entire household seems to be unleashing on a regular basis lately.)  One day I seriously asked myself this question and opened my heart to hear the answer. 

I didn't desire to serve a mission, I  made a plan to continue my education and graduate with my MBA and prepared to sit for the CPA (I'm not going to lie, the concept of having those letters after my name is still appealing). Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. I took my plan to the Lord and was redirected. After my mission I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did,  He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden ot just didn't feel right. I graduated from college and moved to Seattle for a job which ended up not working out but met the love of my life (still the best decision I  have ever made). We got married and I told my husband that I wasn't ready to start a family and he invited me to pray about it. Our oldest was born 10 months later. Two years later I felt I was failing as a mother and felt prompted to have another child. (That is still laughable to me as having another child somehow motivated me to work harder at the "mom thing" and I learned to love it.) I attended the temple a month or two after having my second child and asked that my mind be open to whatever message God had for me and was told there was another child waiting to come to our family. (I was super confused by that one since I was recovering from having a baby and really sleep deprived.) When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I was ready to brush up my resume and get back to work so I could provide for my family, I was told that I was needed at home. We had that third baby and he was a bright spot and my husband's cancer returned when he was 5 months old. He came with us to doctor appointments and was such a good distraction as we navigated all of that. When my husband passed my first thought was that I needed to jump into the workforce and figure out how to make that work, again I was told I was needed at home. Time and time again I thought I had it figured out and was told "no."

When I truly ask, "how did I get here," the answer is that I made a plan, took it to God, and was redirected over and over again. Sometimes I feel resentful and want to blame God for this mess I'm in. I could have been the CFO of a small company by now, I could not have had to bury a husband, there are SO many different directions my life could have gone but some part of me knew that if I trust He will lead me down a path that will take me places that I can only go with His help, grow into who I really want to be, and accomplish SO much more than I ever could on my own. I got here because I CHOSE to make Him part of my decision process and have spent years learning to recognize how He speaks to me and guides me (sometimes through a voice in my head, a feeling in my heart that helps me recognize truth, and sometimes by hearing others speak truth.). Deep down some part of me knows, even on my difficult days, that this is how I want to live, directed by Him.

I have had so many moments of anger and doubt. I have cursed God, said things that shocked me, wanted to quit many times, given up praying for a time, and cried SO many tears that I've become numb; but somehow I always come back to how much I am loved and and that He was loving me through all the tough days, the heartbreaks and waiting for me to let down my walls of anger and resentment so I could feel that love again.

I've been a single mom for over three years now. I wish I could say I've faced my trials head on walking side by side with God but the truth is, sometimes He drags me along kicking and screaming, sometimes patiently waiting for the anger to subside (like I do with my toddler) before approaching me to take my hand and get me moving again. And somedays He just listens while I cry about how unfair and hard this is; loving me as only He can and understanding how much it hurts as only He can and offering healing that only He can give.

I hate it when people say the purpose of life is for us to face challenges but deep down I know it is true and that when I lean on the Lord I will make it through. And so will you.

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Ship Shape Faith

When Your Hands Are Tied

Life Is A Battlefield

I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub...And That's Okay!

It's evening and I feel the anxiety coming on, that feeling of being wound so tight my neck and shoulders are a mass of tense muscles, my knees start to feel like they're going to buckle and give out on me, I've given all I had today and it's time to sit in a hot bath and soothe my nerves before I explode in a mess of shouting which eventually leads to crying and wondering how I'm going to do it again tomorrow.  How did I become the girl who hides from the world in her bathtub?

I had the realization today that I am, indeed, the girl who hides in the bathtub, but along with that came the realization that I am many other things too. I am the girl who loves to read Dr. Seuss, to sing at the top of my lungs, to feel the sun on my face and to talk on the phone. I am the girl who loves baked goods and country music and playing tennis. I am many good things. I am also the girl who grieves for my husband, who feels inadequate to be a solo parent, who gets really stressed by crowds, who dreads conversations with people who don’t understand my daily struggles and fears the depth of pain I feel in the silence of every quiet night.

I am that girl who feels ten years older then I am because of what I've been through and that's okay. We all have parts of ourselves that we love and parts we don't. We all have flaws and inconsistencies and bad moments we look back on and think, "I should have handled that differently." What I have discovered is that we can find beauty in the flaws, in the days where we just get through and the moments we're just grateful to have survived. 

Brenee Brown explained, "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our whole heartedness - actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls." 

I love this idea of our falls, our fails and our difficult moments being part of what makes us whole. If we didn't have challenges to face, moments of weakness or tiredness or inexperience would we progress?  Who would we be? Would our character have depth? Would we acquire problem solving skills and patience (still working on that one myself)? What would we become? 

Tomorrow when I look in the mirror I want to see the girl that has flaws but understands it's part of being the girl who is WHOLE and that is a great thing.

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Finding Light In Dark Times

The Road Less Traveled

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Just One Step

I can't draw to save my life and if it's not a wall I can't paint either.  My artistic skills are great as long as we're talking about piano or writing. We were sitting in church on Sunday and I was watching my 8 year old do a dot to dot.  I kept looking at it trying to figure out what the picture was and I could not figure it out.  As I sat a thought came to my mind that God works with us in our lives like a dot to dot.  He doesn't ask us to look at the picture and try to figure out what it is. He asks us to connect #1 to #2 then once we've done that he asks us to take one more step, connect #2 to #3.  He understands where we are in our progression and He guides us one step at t time and there are times when we really can't see why #539 connects to #540 as we can't see the big picture but He can, I know He can see the whole picture, I know he understands what I need to learn right now.  This knowledge does not prevent challenging days in my life, I still struggle on a regular basis.  I still have moments when I feel unequal to the task, but I have hope that in the end I will be able to see the finished picture and it will all make sense.  

The first verse of this Hymn solidifies this idea: 

 Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me.

When we ask to see the distant scene, the whole picture, often times it doesn't come but we can ask what the next step is and do that. I get overwhelmed thinking about the future but I can do one thing that God asks every day.  I can keep connecting the dots in my life until the master plan is revealed.  In the end God will make something beautiful out of my scribbles because He directed each line and together we will make a masterpiece.

Another great resource to help you take just one step at a time is the book Healing After Loss:Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I remember her touching on this same concept that physically walking and literally taking one step and then another helps prove to our mind and heart that we can go on. (I borrowed it from my local library.)

Read More Here:

The Road Less Traveled

Finding Light in Our Spiritually Dark Times

Stop Selling Yourself Short