Today I needed an
outing. We cleaned house and packed a lunch and headed to a city park located
on Puget Sound. I had felt strongly that it's time to get past the feeling that
something is wrong when we go out as a family. The plan is to take day trips on
Saturdays. Everyone must participate and we have to spend some time outside.
As we were driving we
got to talking about the apartment where we lived when I had my first child,
the job I had during that pregnancy and the library we walked to in my first three
years of motherhood. Before I knew it we were talking about Matt and where he
worked. We took a side trip and visited the airport where they park the planes
before final delivery and they had two of the completed aircraft parked near
the parking lot.
I was amazed at how
interested the boys were in this airplane. I told them everything I could
remember about it and pointed out the specific parts their dad helped design. I
told them about the day I went to clean out his desk and how his manager said
by helping design this military aircraft he literally helped make the world a
better place. Their eyes lit up at that and I realized that something special
was happening. Somehow in the telling of those memories and those facts they
felt connected to their father.
When you lose someone
close to you there are times when those memories are very painful and there are
times when those memories promote healing. I remember laughing through tears
during the funeral at the stories my brother-in-law told. As I have worked to
understand what's happening in my heart and mind I realized that somewhere in
my grief journey I let go of enough of the pain that the memories don't hurt so
much and that happened by choosing to process the painful parts until only the
good remained...or at least the pain was tolerable.
This process happened
as I found safe places to talk through my grief; as I learned who the people
were that would listen without judgement and without trying to fix my grief
(it's not something you fix, it's a journey you undertake). Today I felt
blessed, even if for only a short time, to be that place for my children.
Many shy away from the
subject but that doesn't help either (I know, I’ve tried). Even the avoidance
of the painful subject can cause pain as you exclude the mourners and that is
painful. Invite but don't pry, support but don't linger unless needed, and be
patient as the individuals are embarking on a difficult journey. Create safety
when you can and know they have little to give some days but they still need to
be loved.
