God Found Me Today

 Evey once in a while I start to get really down on myself; maybe it's because I've been stretched a little thin or I've been taking more on than usual or I've fallen through on some commitments that were important to me. This week was no exception. For my first two months of work I was very kind to myself letting things go undone at home because I had just started working 30 hrs/week and knowing I was pushing my limits with what I could cram into a day. I'd stocked up my pantry really well before February hit and was feeling pretty good about life. As March began I starting thinking, "what can I do to fit in my house cleaning and errands so things are still getting done." I began hitting the grocery store or another store in the AM before work so things were getting done. I made my evenings a bit more productive and it seemed like everything was working okay. I tweaked the way we're doing chores at home so the boys get paid a commission if they do seven house chores a week (one for each day). They also have to clean and vacuum their rooms and put away their laundry to earn their weekly commission. I thought I had it all figured out. Then last Monday hit and as I was leaving a co-worker said, "aren't you late to pick up kids." I had forgotten it was Monday and everyone gets out an hour early on MOnday. Then on Saturday Jacob had FSY kickoff and they got done at 7:30 at the stake center, I arrived at 7:51 to pick him up.  Not my best moments.

This morning as I was carefully walking around the house trying not to agrivate a back injury (I strained/tweeked something yesterday and have been limping around since) I was thinking about how I feel about the gospel. Old Testiment has been hard for me to read and teach. So many of the stories seem a little crazy and I feel like my attitude about it is affecting the spirit in my home. I was also feeling a little sorry for myself about the whole "dead husband" thing and had had some not so encouraging conversations about it through the week. So today I turned on the "Come Follow Me For Us" podcast as it usually lifts my spirits and one of the first things she says in each podcast is that the purpose of the "Come Follow Me" manual is to build our faith in Christ and strengthen our relationship with him as he beckons, "come follow me." This must have struck a chord with me as another sister had pointed out during a frustrated discussion on FB about the sealing issue that maybe we were worrying about the wrong things and needed to focus less on our inability to have a specific blessing we sought (being able to be sealed to more than one man while alive) and focus more on keeping the covenants we've already made and making those alive and working in our lives.  This tied in so well to a story told on the podcast by a ten year old boy whose parents had been called as mission presidents and they didn't yet know where they were to be sent. He was upset when they told him and he went upstairs and opened his scriptures to a random page. As he shared his story I was touched by how he understood and fully expected to receive an answer to his question. He faithfully was seeking comfort and understanding. He shared the answer he found that talked about working in the vineyard and how because he had worked in the vineyard he would find joy in working in the vineyard. He said, "I don't know if this is what this means but this is what it meant to me." He explained that his answer was that he'd been doing good work and the opportunity to to on a mission as a mission president's son was a blessing that he was being given because of the righteous choices he'd made and it brought him peace.

As I heard this story I was thinking about how I've not felt guided and helped and immediately the thought came to my mind that I forgot to pick up my kid on Monday, I was a full hour late but he had gone home with a friend whose mom had texted me and I didn't even feel stressed when all of this was happening.  One of my biggest goals for the past three years has been to have grace for myself and others. The spirit blessed me to not feel guilt or stress about what had happened with either of my sons this week and is helping me to learn to be more forgiving of myself and others understanding more fully that we make mistakes and will continue to do so on this mortal journey. When those challenges are met with kindness and patience (even with ourselves) the situation can be resolved so much quicker and smoother than when we loose our patience (which still happens often to me). 

As I continued to ponder how my heart has been changing I remembered putting my own name on the prayer roll the last time I was in the temple and the simple prayers I'd said this week for my kids (in my head as we're running out the door). The spirit testified to me that I am able to receive inspiration, answers and help on the daily as I seek it. I am not so lost that God has forgotten or forsaken me. I have questions that I still seek answers and I have pain and anger that is yet to be fully healed from my loss but I also have hope in complete healing and the ability to search for and find answers and support when I need it most.

I know that God is real. I know He loves us and sent His Son to die for us so we can make mistakes and repent and continue to move forward. I know They are both there for us through the good and the difficult in as much as we will allow them to be. What I know that I am most grateful for is that they continue to reach out to us in love when we turn away from them in anger and despair.  They are always there.