When You Feel Your Hands Are Tied

"I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!" This seems to be a common theme lately. I can't even count the number of times I've heard people say this over the past three months.  You get is some situation where you feel all your options are gone and you're left with this one undesirable option, you feel stuck and trudge forward as it is the "only option".  Can I let you in on a secret?  It's a lie.

I spoke to a widow friend the other day and she explained how many people tell her how strong she is and her response is "I don't have a choice." With five children to take care of at home she couldn't just fall apart.  She honestly believed it was NOT her strength that kept her going but her lack of options.  

The Reality of the situation is this; THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. We always have options.  Every morning we choose to get out of bed, we choose to eat breakfast, we choose to take a bath, we choose to leave our house or go to work or anything else we do.  There is ALWAYS a choice! There are many times we only see one acceptable option and we feel so strongly about that option that we forget there are other options.

I remember when my husband had just found out that his cancer had come back and the doctor recommended surgery.  He was heart broken. He expressed his frustration because "he had to go through surgery again."  I explained to him that he did NOT have to go through surgery and that he needed to understand it was his choice.  We always have a choice.  

When we recognize that we have a choice we feel empowered, that's why it's so important to break apart these lies.

As a new year is upon us it is SO important that we take back control of our lives and realize you are the master of your own destiny. So set a goal, do something you love, develop a talent, read a good book, try a new recipe, take up a new hobby, do something that scares you..you might just surprise yourself.

Read More Here:

Finding Light in Spiritual Darkness

Cancer Diagnosis

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Lessons in Grief-Doing Something

I am amazed at how many times a simple kind act has completely turned my day around.  I had a friend who consistently sent baked goods which her husband usually dropped by once a week for months.  What I didn't have the courage to tell her was that was the only contact I had with adults for days. I know people worry about saying or doing something that may cause pain but there is much more pain in hearing, "I was thinking about you all week," and knowing they did nothing and knowing those were incredibly difficult days.  When someone comes into your mind there is a reason.  What I have learned to do when this happens is to say a prayer for the person when they enter into my mind and sometimes I send a text saying, "just wanted you to know I love you and am thinking of you today." This message doesn't require a response but leaves the door open if they want or need to talk. 

I learned something interesting last May.  In studying the brain through imaging they have learned that when we exclude others the pain centers of the brain activate.  When we shy away from talking to someone afraid we will say the wrong thing or avoid talking about a loved one who has passed we cause pain when our goal is to alleviate pain or at least avoid causing further pain.

We are all mortal and as such we are FLAWED.  I have made mistakes in my grieving that have hurt others and damaged relationships, others have avoided me, and sometimes said things that are hurtful because they are human.  What I have come to learn is that when we act from a place of love THAT is the message that comes through.  One of the most helpful things anyone ever said to me was, "I know that nothing I can say will make this any better but I want you to know that I love you." Honest, open words.  I have come to appreciate the power of simple words.  It is not our job to fix or even understand it is our job to love others. And those who have touched me the most are the ones who keep coming back even after not being invited in some days, keep texting and calling even though I don't always respond, and keep showing up and inviting me to be part of their lives because there are days when I need people and I will respond.  

I mourn the life I have lost and I don't know that there will ever be a time when that goes away entirely.  Thank you for your love, prayers, and your continued patience as I continue walking these unknown roads.  I will make mistakes but I will keep moving forward and I need all the help I can get.

Read More Here:

Lessons In Grief- Part 2

Lessons In Grief-Part 1

Lessons In Grief-Part 2

I called a widow friend to check in the day after Father's Day. Knowing how difficult the day had been for myself and my children as it was the first Father's Day since their dad passed. I'm not sure what I expected by asking this question but the honesty in her response was both shocking and refreshing. "I cried for four hours." 

That's what people who have experienced catastrophic loss do, they cry, they take long walks and long baths, they search for that outlet that helps their body and mind work through the pain. They put together jigsaw puzzles and scrapbook and read old journal entries while constantly composing new ones in their heads. They cry themselves to sleep while listening to the same two sad songs over and over again. Well, maybe that's not what everyone does but that's what I do.

Something I have learned about our society is that when it comes to tragedy we suck at dealing with it. The only consistent things we teach are that saying nothing is the only thing worse than saying/doing nothing and to hand someone a Kleenex when they cry.

I've learned over the past year that Kleenex have their place but there is that tears have power. Tears cleanse, tears have consistently been healing for me and they work better when I allow myself to feel them deeply and allow them to slowly make their way down my cheeks before dripping onto my body. The weight of my grief releases as they fall and after I have allowed time for them to flow freely there will be time to clean myself up, brush myself off and go again.

I often find myself wishing there was a Band-Aid type solution to my grief and in a society full of fast food and instant gratification there are things that offer temporary relief but the reality is we work through the big stuff a little at a time, day after day, allowing ourselves to feel day after day. We must choose a path of healing and while that choice may seem difficult, the other option is to bury it, avoid it and let it slowly take away our ability to feel.

When we choose to feel we put ourselves on a path to find healing and though it's a slow and painful process it is possible...at least that's what I have been told. It's been 11 months now and I have progressed from a feeling of drowning to feeling waves that occasionally knock me over. They are getting farther in-between and less intense as time goes on.

Lessons In Grief-Part 1

Finding Joy

Doing The Impossible