What Was God Thinking!?!

How in the world did I end up here!?!" I can't tell you how many times I've found myself asking this question and it's usually in frustration and anger. (Usually in the middle of cleaning up some literal or emotional explosion caused by the literal toddler or the angry inner toddler my entire household seems to be unleashing on a regular basis lately.)  One day I seriously asked myself this question and opened my heart to hear the answer. 

I didn't desire to serve a mission, I  made a plan to continue my education and graduate with my MBA and prepared to sit for the CPA (I'm not going to lie, the concept of having those letters after my name is still appealing). Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. I took my plan to the Lord and was redirected. After my mission I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did,  He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden ot just didn't feel right. I graduated from college and moved to Seattle for a job which ended up not working out but met the love of my life (still the best decision I  have ever made). We got married and I told my husband that I wasn't ready to start a family and he invited me to pray about it. Our oldest was born 10 months later. Two years later I felt I was failing as a mother and felt prompted to have another child. (That is still laughable to me as having another child somehow motivated me to work harder at the "mom thing" and I learned to love it.) I attended the temple a month or two after having my second child and asked that my mind be open to whatever message God had for me and was told there was another child waiting to come to our family. (I was super confused by that one since I was recovering from having a baby and really sleep deprived.) When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I was ready to brush up my resume and get back to work so I could provide for my family, I was told that I was needed at home. We had that third baby and he was a bright spot and my husband's cancer returned when he was 5 months old. He came with us to doctor appointments and was such a good distraction as we navigated all of that. When my husband passed my first thought was that I needed to jump into the workforce and figure out how to make that work, again I was told I was needed at home. Time and time again I thought I had it figured out and was told "no."

When I truly ask, "how did I get here," the answer is that I made a plan, took it to God, and was redirected over and over again. Sometimes I feel resentful and want to blame God for this mess I'm in. I could have been the CFO of a small company by now, I could not have had to bury a husband, there are SO many different directions my life could have gone but some part of me knew that if I trust He will lead me down a path that will take me places that I can only go with His help, grow into who I really want to be, and accomplish SO much more than I ever could on my own. I got here because I CHOSE to make Him part of my decision process and have spent years learning to recognize how He speaks to me and guides me (sometimes through a voice in my head, a feeling in my heart that helps me recognize truth, and sometimes by hearing others speak truth.). Deep down some part of me knows, even on my difficult days, that this is how I want to live, directed by Him.

I have had so many moments of anger and doubt. I have cursed God, said things that shocked me, wanted to quit many times, given up praying for a time, and cried SO many tears that I've become numb; but somehow I always come back to how much I am loved and and that He was loving me through all the tough days, the heartbreaks and waiting for me to let down my walls of anger and resentment so I could feel that love again.

I've been a single mom for over three years now. I wish I could say I've faced my trials head on walking side by side with God but the truth is, sometimes He drags me along kicking and screaming, sometimes patiently waiting for the anger to subside (like I do with my toddler) before approaching me to take my hand and get me moving again. And somedays He just listens while I cry about how unfair and hard this is; loving me as only He can and understanding how much it hurts as only He can and offering healing that only He can give.

I hate it when people say the purpose of life is for us to face challenges but deep down I know it is true and that when I lean on the Lord I will make it through. And so will you.

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