Lessons In Grief - When The Dust Clears

Shock. Denial. Anger. Acceptance. Healing.

Grief cycles.  So they say...

What they don't say is that it ebbs and flows, surges and floods and sometimes emotions are just too tangled to understand. Then comes the anxiety of dealing with people's well intentioned advice. There were SO many days when I just needed someone to sit with me, not try to fix me or talk it out but just be... but I was too ashamed of everything I was feeling to let someone do that. Slowly I pushed people away, it got easier to tell people off. It hurt to keep them at distance but not as much as seeing the look in their eyes when I let the really see what I was going through. I was a shell of the person I was. I bounced back and forth between being completely numb and completely overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. (I didn't fully understand how hard it was on my friends to watch my pain until I had someone open up to me about their spouse passing and it is difficult to be on the other side of that too.  I truly have some ROCK STAR friends.)

One of the most important things I learned during this time was that there is no such thing as a "bad emotion". My whole life I had this perception that I wasn't supposed to feel angry or sad or frustrated about things but in reality it wasn't the emotions I was needing to regulate but how I reacted to those emotions. Emotions themselves aren't inherently good or bad, they just are (this TED talk explains this concept so well). From a spiritual perspective I came to understand that a divine creator, with infinite wisdom, gave us the ability to feel for a purpose. With this realization my focus changed from trying to control my emotions to recognizing what I was feeling, acknowledging the feeling (naming it if needed), and allowing myself to work through the emotion hopefully allowing it to serve whatever purpose it might have and then let it go.

I started seeing my mind and body as a super highway for emotions. When I used the recognize, feel, release method I functioned okay. When I would avoid an emotion I wasn't ready to feel or held on to an emotion that had already served its purpose (like anger) it caused traffic jams and I could feel the stress of the congestion. When I recognized how my emotions could build up and cause tension in my body learning tools for emotional release became a high priority. (I also recognized that when the tension built up it often manifested in angry outbursts.)

Here are some ideas for dealing with emotional back ups:

Hot baths- heat forces tension out of muscles, massage also does this

Distraction- engaging your mind in another task so you get a break from current stressors (I call this "shelving" the issue to be dealt with later) Kent Allen teaches a similar method for training our brains to move back into a space from grieving to joy (listen to his remarks HERE).
Brain Dump- writing out what you're feeling in a journal and getting it out of your head
Walk It Out- by physically moving forward we show our brain that we can move forward emotionally as well (Martha, Hickman explains this in Healing After Loss).
Aromatherapy- Citrus oils lift mood, Wood oils help in feeling supported, and Florals aid in relaxation (I like to do Lavendar and Cedarwood in my hot bath)
Get Moving- Physical activity has been great for helping me burn off frustration and anger. Hitting a ball, digging, scrubbing, running, anything that gets your heart pumping can have this effect.
Music- Singing can be a great emotional outlet as well as playing an instrument or just listening.
Cry it Out-I have learned that tears can be healing. Fighting it tends to back up the emotional highway.
Hydrate- For some reason my body (including mind and emotions) functions better with proper hydration.

Read More Here:

The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

What Was God Thinking

Falling Apart

When God Makes 1 Plus 1 Equal 5

I have always thought it strange when people ask offhandedly "how many kids are you going to have?" I used to think that was a pretty normal question...until I started having children. When Matt and I married we were in our mid-twenties, we had met, dated and were married in a relatively short time so when we started talking about having a family I was very intimidated by the thought...not to mention I had just spent four years earning a college degree in preparation for a career. My husband encouraged me to pray about it and I felt strongly that it was time to start our family. Within the first three years of marriage we had our first two children and purchased our first home. 

At this time my life felt pretty full. I remember about two months after our second was born I had been praying to know what God had in store for me and that my heart would be open to whatever that was. There was a day I remember clearly pondering on this and feeling strongly that we were to have another child. I was so shocked by this thought. I was in the middle of that "new baby" phase where no one's getting any sleep. My immediate thought was that Good must be crazy...but the thought was so clear and I felt it so strongly that I knew it was an answer to my prayer. Time passed and my intention was to get my new baby through his first three years before we started trying for a third. 

Life was busy and crazy with two busy little boys and before long those three years had passed. Eventually we started trying for a third. Months turned into a year and my frustration grew as things didn't go as planned. With time I became angry as our righteous desire, that we felt was inspired, failed to be realized. I often became angry with God as I was trying to do what I felt directed by Him to do and it just wasn't happening. Then came real trouble...

My husband was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer (Read more about that HERE). I won't go into detail but it was challenging. I remember one day I went up on the roof to clean off debris and have a heart to heart with God. I felt strongly that if something was going to happen to my husband I should be doing two things to prepare...the first was to stop trying for a third child as two children would be manageable on my own and the second was to brush up my resume and start working toward a career. I felt strongly that I was NOT to do either of those.

We got through the first surgery and recovery and not long after I was expecting our third. We held our breath with each cancer screening and for a year were blessed with clean scans. When my third was five months old the cancer came back never to leave again. Our little guy was a bright spot through the next surgery and into subsequent treatment. He was his daddy's buddy.

My husband became our guardian angel two months before our little's second birthday. It seemed so unfair (you can read more on this HERE). I have often thought about how different my life would be without number three. At times I've even doubted if I understood correctly what God was trying to tell me all those years ago. Recently I've had a shift in perspective, now I begin with, "I know this is what God wants for me," and from there ask, "what now?" It is incredible how this has changed how I feel about my life. I spent so much time feeling stuck in this role as a solo parent and now I'm wondering what God is trying to accomplish and moving forward, as I did before, praying to have a heart and mind open to whatever it is he is trying to accomplish in and through me now.

Sometimes the direction I'm sent makes about as much sense as 1+1=5 but each time I follow what I feel to be right it works out in the long run.  Sometimes I fight it, sometimes I put it off for a time, but it does work out for my good.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV

Read More Here:

When You Feel Your Hands Are Tied

The Road Less Traveled By

When We Get Knocked Down

What Was God Thinking!?!

How in the world did I end up here!?!" I can't tell you how many times I've found myself asking this question and it's usually in frustration and anger. (Usually in the middle of cleaning up some literal or emotional explosion caused by the literal toddler or the angry inner toddler my entire household seems to be unleashing on a regular basis lately.)  One day I seriously asked myself this question and opened my heart to hear the answer. 

I didn't desire to serve a mission, I  made a plan to continue my education and graduate with my MBA and prepared to sit for the CPA (I'm not going to lie, the concept of having those letters after my name is still appealing). Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. I took my plan to the Lord and was redirected. After my mission I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did,  He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden ot just didn't feel right. I graduated from college and moved to Seattle for a job which ended up not working out but met the love of my life (still the best decision I  have ever made). We got married and I told my husband that I wasn't ready to start a family and he invited me to pray about it. Our oldest was born 10 months later. Two years later I felt I was failing as a mother and felt prompted to have another child. (That is still laughable to me as having another child somehow motivated me to work harder at the "mom thing" and I learned to love it.) I attended the temple a month or two after having my second child and asked that my mind be open to whatever message God had for me and was told there was another child waiting to come to our family. (I was super confused by that one since I was recovering from having a baby and really sleep deprived.) When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I was ready to brush up my resume and get back to work so I could provide for my family, I was told that I was needed at home. We had that third baby and he was a bright spot and my husband's cancer returned when he was 5 months old. He came with us to doctor appointments and was such a good distraction as we navigated all of that. When my husband passed my first thought was that I needed to jump into the workforce and figure out how to make that work, again I was told I was needed at home. Time and time again I thought I had it figured out and was told "no."

When I truly ask, "how did I get here," the answer is that I made a plan, took it to God, and was redirected over and over again. Sometimes I feel resentful and want to blame God for this mess I'm in. I could have been the CFO of a small company by now, I could not have had to bury a husband, there are SO many different directions my life could have gone but some part of me knew that if I trust He will lead me down a path that will take me places that I can only go with His help, grow into who I really want to be, and accomplish SO much more than I ever could on my own. I got here because I CHOSE to make Him part of my decision process and have spent years learning to recognize how He speaks to me and guides me (sometimes through a voice in my head, a feeling in my heart that helps me recognize truth, and sometimes by hearing others speak truth.). Deep down some part of me knows, even on my difficult days, that this is how I want to live, directed by Him.

I have had so many moments of anger and doubt. I have cursed God, said things that shocked me, wanted to quit many times, given up praying for a time, and cried SO many tears that I've become numb; but somehow I always come back to how much I am loved and and that He was loving me through all the tough days, the heartbreaks and waiting for me to let down my walls of anger and resentment so I could feel that love again.

I've been a single mom for over three years now. I wish I could say I've faced my trials head on walking side by side with God but the truth is, sometimes He drags me along kicking and screaming, sometimes patiently waiting for the anger to subside (like I do with my toddler) before approaching me to take my hand and get me moving again. And somedays He just listens while I cry about how unfair and hard this is; loving me as only He can and understanding how much it hurts as only He can and offering healing that only He can give.

I hate it when people say the purpose of life is for us to face challenges but deep down I know it is true and that when I lean on the Lord I will make it through. And so will you.

Read More Here:

Ship Shape Faith

When Your Hands Are Tied

Life Is A Battlefield

I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub...And That's Okay!

It's evening and I feel the anxiety coming on, that feeling of being wound so tight my neck and shoulders are a mass of tense muscles, my knees start to feel like they're going to buckle and give out on me, I've given all I had today and it's time to sit in a hot bath and soothe my nerves before I explode in a mess of shouting which eventually leads to crying and wondering how I'm going to do it again tomorrow.  How did I become the girl who hides from the world in her bathtub?

I had the realization today that I am, indeed, the girl who hides in the bathtub, but along with that came the realization that I am many other things too. I am the girl who loves to read Dr. Seuss, to sing at the top of my lungs, to feel the sun on my face and to talk on the phone. I am the girl who loves baked goods and country music and playing tennis. I am many good things. I am also the girl who grieves for my husband, who feels inadequate to be a solo parent, who gets really stressed by crowds, who dreads conversations with people who don’t understand my daily struggles and fears the depth of pain I feel in the silence of every quiet night.

I am that girl who feels ten years older then I am because of what I've been through and that's okay. We all have parts of ourselves that we love and parts we don't. We all have flaws and inconsistencies and bad moments we look back on and think, "I should have handled that differently." What I have discovered is that we can find beauty in the flaws, in the days where we just get through and the moments we're just grateful to have survived. 

Brenee Brown explained, "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our whole heartedness - actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls." 

I love this idea of our falls, our fails and our difficult moments being part of what makes us whole. If we didn't have challenges to face, moments of weakness or tiredness or inexperience would we progress?  Who would we be? Would our character have depth? Would we acquire problem solving skills and patience (still working on that one myself)? What would we become? 

Tomorrow when I look in the mirror I want to see the girl that has flaws but understands it's part of being the girl who is WHOLE and that is a great thing.

Read More:

Finding Light In Dark Times

The Road Less Traveled

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Just One Step

I can't draw to save my life and if it's not a wall I can't paint either.  My artistic skills are great as long as we're talking about piano or writing. We were sitting in church on Sunday and I was watching my 8 year old do a dot to dot.  I kept looking at it trying to figure out what the picture was and I could not figure it out.  As I sat a thought came to my mind that God works with us in our lives like a dot to dot.  He doesn't ask us to look at the picture and try to figure out what it is. He asks us to connect #1 to #2 then once we've done that he asks us to take one more step, connect #2 to #3.  He understands where we are in our progression and He guides us one step at t time and there are times when we really can't see why #539 connects to #540 as we can't see the big picture but He can, I know He can see the whole picture, I know he understands what I need to learn right now.  This knowledge does not prevent challenging days in my life, I still struggle on a regular basis.  I still have moments when I feel unequal to the task, but I have hope that in the end I will be able to see the finished picture and it will all make sense.  

The first verse of this Hymn solidifies this idea: 

 Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me.

When we ask to see the distant scene, the whole picture, often times it doesn't come but we can ask what the next step is and do that. I get overwhelmed thinking about the future but I can do one thing that God asks every day.  I can keep connecting the dots in my life until the master plan is revealed.  In the end God will make something beautiful out of my scribbles because He directed each line and together we will make a masterpiece.

Another great resource to help you take just one step at a time is the book Healing After Loss:Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I remember her touching on this same concept that physically walking and literally taking one step and then another helps prove to our mind and heart that we can go on. (I borrowed it from my local library.)

Read More Here:

The Road Less Traveled

Finding Light in Our Spiritually Dark Times

Stop Selling Yourself Short