60%, I explained to my sister, I am about 60-70% of the woman I once was. The conversation had turned deep fast as we talked about the challenges we are currently facing. She was recovering from a bout of pneumonia and I was still adjusting to the idea of a life without my spouse. She explained something to me that changed the way I saw myself. She said simply, "if you are doing the best you can, you are operating at 100%." What a simple concept, yet so profound.
Somewhere along the way I came to understand that my value lies not in who I am but in what I am able to accomplish in a day. I would make to do lists and trudge through them day after day sometimes missing out on the simple things that are so important to my happiness. How often I chose a chore over a quiet moment with someone I loved based on this valuation.
When did I start to believe I was broken because I couldn't do the laundry list of things that media portrays a "good mom" doing? There is not list of required accomplishments to be a successful human being. There is not expectation that we all reach the same goals or pursue the same dreams. How dull life would be if that were true!
Each of us is unique. Our life goals and aspirations and how we spend our time on any given day will be as unique as we are and it it's time to embrace the beautiful things that make you you.
Read More Here:
Faith and Piano
Cancer Diagnosis
The comings and goings of the Common King
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
Highs and Lows
The highest high and the
lowest low I can remember in the past two years happened in the same month. The
month before my high/low month we were told that it was time to switch gears
from localized cancer treatments to systemic treatments. This was a HUGE red
flag as they'd been telling us for some time that they had effective localized
treatments but none of the systemic meds were effective beyond stabilizing the
disease for a few months. This happened mid-month. The next two weeks
were a flurry of planning and testing in preparation for starting a drug trial
in California. I antagonized over the decision to join my husband on the trip
or stay home and take care of my children. I always hated not being there when
Matt went to the doctor as I always had so many questions and Matt was always
so optimistic about his situation that it colored his answers when he would
recount the appointment to me later. That's one of the things I really loved
about him, he never gave up hope that some big thing would come along and
eradicate his disease. The stress of dealing with treatments and the unknown
was also starting to get to me at this point. I spent time visiting with my mom
and my mother in law taking through the pros and cons of joining him on this
trip which went from being a one week trip to being a little over two weeks. I
will be forever grateful for their encouraging me to go and their willingness to
come up and take care of everything and everyone while I was away.
Our time in California started with a two hour visit with our new oncologist. I had a TON of questions and was so grateful for the almost two hours he took answering them. People with HUGE hearts become oncologists. They are really fighting for a cure; they are VERY invested in getting people well. The words metastatic disease hit me like a ton of bricks and my head was swimming with emotions when we got back to our hotel and let it all sink in. The next two days we took a time to see the sights. There were intermittent phone calls with the doctor but mostly just enjoying the town. The ocean is SO amazing and the Golden Gate Bridge just put me in such awe. After another day of tests we headed south. We had a week break before the next doctor appointment and he was starting oral chemo. They hesitated to call it chemotherapy but that's what it was.
We spent the next week enjoying the scenery in between resting to give his body time to adjust to the new meds. We talked and walked so much. I was amazed at how we never ran out of things to talk about. It was that way when we were dating and it was that way when we was home recovering from surgery, I just never got tired of having him around. We saw beautiful beaches, amazing Redwood trees that have stood since before the birth of Christ, ate amazing food and just enjoyed the time together. After one more quick doctor visit we were on our way home. Part of the justification for the trip was that it would count as our ten year anniversary trip. I'd been planning one in my head for years but was really unsure if we'd really take a vacation since it seemed so selfish. Even as I watched him slow down over the next few months I never imagined I would lose him before we got to ten years. He passed suddenly just four months before our anniversary.
I was reading my journal from the trip this morning and feeling so grateful that we had these beautiful, happy moments in the middle of this huge health issue. There have been moments along the way where I've felt worried and prayed and been counseled not to worry. I assumed that meant my husband's health would improve. The truth of the matter is that worrying would have only served to put extra stress on us all. When I was told "everything will be okay" it didn't mean his body would be healed, it meant that despite the challenges we would face God would watch over us. He would send angels to comfort, help, bless and mourn with us. Matt's death was such a shock and I held on to hope that he would pull through up until the doctor came in and told me he had just hours to live. I spent time feeling very confused and angry that things happened the way they did but I keep coming back to the quiet reassurance that everything will be okay and I know it will. There will be hard days, there will be challenges but God always prepares the way for us to do what He asks of us. I know this to be true.
Our time in California started with a two hour visit with our new oncologist. I had a TON of questions and was so grateful for the almost two hours he took answering them. People with HUGE hearts become oncologists. They are really fighting for a cure; they are VERY invested in getting people well. The words metastatic disease hit me like a ton of bricks and my head was swimming with emotions when we got back to our hotel and let it all sink in. The next two days we took a time to see the sights. There were intermittent phone calls with the doctor but mostly just enjoying the town. The ocean is SO amazing and the Golden Gate Bridge just put me in such awe. After another day of tests we headed south. We had a week break before the next doctor appointment and he was starting oral chemo. They hesitated to call it chemotherapy but that's what it was.
We spent the next week enjoying the scenery in between resting to give his body time to adjust to the new meds. We talked and walked so much. I was amazed at how we never ran out of things to talk about. It was that way when we were dating and it was that way when we was home recovering from surgery, I just never got tired of having him around. We saw beautiful beaches, amazing Redwood trees that have stood since before the birth of Christ, ate amazing food and just enjoyed the time together. After one more quick doctor visit we were on our way home. Part of the justification for the trip was that it would count as our ten year anniversary trip. I'd been planning one in my head for years but was really unsure if we'd really take a vacation since it seemed so selfish. Even as I watched him slow down over the next few months I never imagined I would lose him before we got to ten years. He passed suddenly just four months before our anniversary.
I was reading my journal from the trip this morning and feeling so grateful that we had these beautiful, happy moments in the middle of this huge health issue. There have been moments along the way where I've felt worried and prayed and been counseled not to worry. I assumed that meant my husband's health would improve. The truth of the matter is that worrying would have only served to put extra stress on us all. When I was told "everything will be okay" it didn't mean his body would be healed, it meant that despite the challenges we would face God would watch over us. He would send angels to comfort, help, bless and mourn with us. Matt's death was such a shock and I held on to hope that he would pull through up until the doctor came in and told me he had just hours to live. I spent time feeling very confused and angry that things happened the way they did but I keep coming back to the quiet reassurance that everything will be okay and I know it will. There will be hard days, there will be challenges but God always prepares the way for us to do what He asks of us. I know this to be true.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
What I Learned in 2016
This year has been a
wild ride...like a roller coaster without a seatbelt. I've learned some things
from my year that I think are important to share.
Make Memories: My husband and I took what he called a medical vacation in February to Sunny California. Between the medical tests and appointments we visited the Golden Gate Bridge, tone of the Redwood forests, the beach at Monterey, the boardwalk at Santa Cruz, Lobos State Park and several other places. We created memories that I cherish so take time to take time to make memories, even if you just take a day trip, play a game, go on a walk, play together, take time to create memories with the people you love.
Find Your People: There are people out there that just get you. They are hard to find as personalities vary so broadly. Join a club, plan an outing and invite friends, attend community events, go out and look for people who share common interests. Good friends are precious, find some and keep in touch with them when they move away. Let them know you value them because those are the people you'll call when life gets tough...because they understand you.
Be A Gracious Receiver: When someone offers help accept. When we receive Wether it's a service, a compliment, an invitation, a word of advice or a criticism we will be so much better off if we can learn to receive it graciously we'll be better off for it. I wish I could more accurately explain how this concept has changed me but I am at a loss.
Take Care Of Yourself: Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is stop and take a few deep breaths, a hot bath or a quiet hour curled up in a blanket with or without a book does wonders for me. Pay attention to the food you're putting into your body. You wouldn't dump junk into your car's tank so be aware what your putting in your body. Take a walk it's good for the mind and body. My goal this week is to make it around the block with the dog everyday; we've made it all the way around once so far this week.
Seek Inspiration Daily: Time is precious and if you want to spend it on what's most important for you today ask God to tell you. Have a daily planning meeting each morning and ask Him to guide you throughout the day. When you have a thought to do something don't dismiss it, do it. Allow Him to direct your steps.
Sing and Dance: Find what makes you happy, make a list and do something that makes you happy every day. I've learned that TV doesn't and have replaced my hour of TV down time doing things that make me happy. I still get a break and I'm in a better mood when I'm done.
Have Realistic Expectations: You don't know what you don't know. Don't expect yourself to be able to do things without learning to do them first, also don't expect your children to always get it right. I'm working on spending more time teaching and less time demanding quality performances from them.
Wow! What a year. I can honestly say I am looking forward to this year. I have NO CLUE what it will bring but I'm ready.
Make Memories: My husband and I took what he called a medical vacation in February to Sunny California. Between the medical tests and appointments we visited the Golden Gate Bridge, tone of the Redwood forests, the beach at Monterey, the boardwalk at Santa Cruz, Lobos State Park and several other places. We created memories that I cherish so take time to take time to make memories, even if you just take a day trip, play a game, go on a walk, play together, take time to create memories with the people you love.
Find Your People: There are people out there that just get you. They are hard to find as personalities vary so broadly. Join a club, plan an outing and invite friends, attend community events, go out and look for people who share common interests. Good friends are precious, find some and keep in touch with them when they move away. Let them know you value them because those are the people you'll call when life gets tough...because they understand you.
Be A Gracious Receiver: When someone offers help accept. When we receive Wether it's a service, a compliment, an invitation, a word of advice or a criticism we will be so much better off if we can learn to receive it graciously we'll be better off for it. I wish I could more accurately explain how this concept has changed me but I am at a loss.
Take Care Of Yourself: Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is stop and take a few deep breaths, a hot bath or a quiet hour curled up in a blanket with or without a book does wonders for me. Pay attention to the food you're putting into your body. You wouldn't dump junk into your car's tank so be aware what your putting in your body. Take a walk it's good for the mind and body. My goal this week is to make it around the block with the dog everyday; we've made it all the way around once so far this week.
Seek Inspiration Daily: Time is precious and if you want to spend it on what's most important for you today ask God to tell you. Have a daily planning meeting each morning and ask Him to guide you throughout the day. When you have a thought to do something don't dismiss it, do it. Allow Him to direct your steps.
Sing and Dance: Find what makes you happy, make a list and do something that makes you happy every day. I've learned that TV doesn't and have replaced my hour of TV down time doing things that make me happy. I still get a break and I'm in a better mood when I'm done.
Have Realistic Expectations: You don't know what you don't know. Don't expect yourself to be able to do things without learning to do them first, also don't expect your children to always get it right. I'm working on spending more time teaching and less time demanding quality performances from them.
Wow! What a year. I can honestly say I am looking forward to this year. I have NO CLUE what it will bring but I'm ready.
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