Lessons in Grief-Doing Something

I am amazed at how many times a simple kind act has completely turned my day around.  I had a friend who consistently sent baked goods which her husband usually dropped by once a week for months.  What I didn't have the courage to tell her was that was the only contact I had with adults for days. I know people worry about saying or doing something that may cause pain but there is much more pain in hearing, "I was thinking about you all week," and knowing they did nothing and knowing those were incredibly difficult days.  When someone comes into your mind there is a reason.  What I have learned to do when this happens is to say a prayer for the person when they enter into my mind and sometimes I send a text saying, "just wanted you to know I love you and am thinking of you today." This message doesn't require a response but leaves the door open if they want or need to talk. 

I learned something interesting last May.  In studying the brain through imaging they have learned that when we exclude others the pain centers of the brain activate.  When we shy away from talking to someone afraid we will say the wrong thing or avoid talking about a loved one who has passed we cause pain when our goal is to alleviate pain or at least avoid causing further pain.

We are all mortal and as such we are FLAWED.  I have made mistakes in my grieving that have hurt others and damaged relationships, others have avoided me, and sometimes said things that are hurtful because they are human.  What I have come to learn is that when we act from a place of love THAT is the message that comes through.  One of the most helpful things anyone ever said to me was, "I know that nothing I can say will make this any better but I want you to know that I love you." Honest, open words.  I have come to appreciate the power of simple words.  It is not our job to fix or even understand it is our job to love others. And those who have touched me the most are the ones who keep coming back even after not being invited in some days, keep texting and calling even though I don't always respond, and keep showing up and inviting me to be part of their lives because there are days when I need people and I will respond.  

I mourn the life I have lost and I don't know that there will ever be a time when that goes away entirely.  Thank you for your love, prayers, and your continued patience as I continue walking these unknown roads.  I will make mistakes but I will keep moving forward and I need all the help I can get.

Read More Here:

Lessons In Grief- Part 2

Lessons In Grief-Part 1

Lessons In Grief-Part 2

I called a widow friend to check in the day after Father's Day. Knowing how difficult the day had been for myself and my children as it was the first Father's Day since their dad passed. I'm not sure what I expected by asking this question but the honesty in her response was both shocking and refreshing. "I cried for four hours." 

That's what people who have experienced catastrophic loss do, they cry, they take long walks and long baths, they search for that outlet that helps their body and mind work through the pain. They put together jigsaw puzzles and scrapbook and read old journal entries while constantly composing new ones in their heads. They cry themselves to sleep while listening to the same two sad songs over and over again. Well, maybe that's not what everyone does but that's what I do.

Something I have learned about our society is that when it comes to tragedy we suck at dealing with it. The only consistent things we teach are that saying nothing is the only thing worse than saying/doing nothing and to hand someone a Kleenex when they cry.

I've learned over the past year that Kleenex have their place but there is that tears have power. Tears cleanse, tears have consistently been healing for me and they work better when I allow myself to feel them deeply and allow them to slowly make their way down my cheeks before dripping onto my body. The weight of my grief releases as they fall and after I have allowed time for them to flow freely there will be time to clean myself up, brush myself off and go again.

I often find myself wishing there was a Band-Aid type solution to my grief and in a society full of fast food and instant gratification there are things that offer temporary relief but the reality is we work through the big stuff a little at a time, day after day, allowing ourselves to feel day after day. We must choose a path of healing and while that choice may seem difficult, the other option is to bury it, avoid it and let it slowly take away our ability to feel.

When we choose to feel we put ourselves on a path to find healing and though it's a slow and painful process it is possible...at least that's what I have been told. It's been 11 months now and I have progressed from a feeling of drowning to feeling waves that occasionally knock me over. They are getting farther in-between and less intense as time goes on.

Lessons In Grief-Part 1

Finding Joy

Doing The Impossible

When We Call God Answers

When some people think about God they envision a being far removed looking over the earth as some great thing that he's proud of yet far removed from. Others may see him as the Greeks did, a master at a chess board and we are merely pawns.  When I think of God I think of Him as a gentle, strong, kind father; someone who is interested in our individual welfare but leaves us to make the final decision as to where our life will go. He sees our strengths and our weaknesses and has in mind a plan that will play to our strengths and help us overcome our weaknesses but we choose to seek this plan or to go our own way.

There is power in seeking God's will for our lives. The first experience I had with this was in choosing where to go to college. I had decided I wanted to attend a college in a big city, a business college that had a two year program. I started the application process but couldn't shake the feeling it just wasn't quite right. I looked into other options until I found another junior college that felt right. At first I was a little upset that I wasn't getting what I wanted but felt strongly that was what God wanted for me. After a difficult first semester I had a better second semester and it was announced the college was transitioning to a four year university. I was able to complete a four year degree without relocating.

I find it fascinating that God wants to speak to us. With the understanding that He is first and foremost a loving Father it should not come as a surprise that He would desire to counsel with us but I am consistently amazed at the ways He reaches out to me. They are ever present but it is only when I am watchful that I recognize they are there. A favorite scripture of mine states, "all things denote thee is a God." When I look at the marvel of the human body, at the intricacy of how we are formed from two cells and those cells contain all the information to form an entire body forming into muscles, bone, connective tissues, organs each made to perform a specific function and that our bodies are capable of healing and growing and learning I am in awe. I think of the solar system how planets rotate around the sun arranged in majestic order and our earth being positioned just right to make conditions perfect for us to survive, I marvel. Beyond the functionality of this planet we call home I see the flowers, the ocean waves, the tall trees and the beauty of the sunrise and feel the care with which  this beauty was created for us. Why wouldn't a father want a beautiful place for His children to live, it just makes sense to me.

I know some find this concept far fetched and I can understand with the suffering many face on this earth why the concept of an all-powerful being having created all this is hard to believe but I feel it in my heart so strongly that I know it to be true.  I have faced suffering and I have felt strength beyond my own, I have felt the power of prayers said in my behalf and I have seen miracles happen within me as I have done things I know were beyond my capacity to do on my own. Some of the most amazing experiences I have had were going I to a situation not knowing what to do or say and having just the right thing come out when I open my mouth and many times being given words that teach me.  I have seen so much evidence of God's existence and His love.

What I have come to understand is that God is there through the good, the bad and the downright difficult in our lives. He is aware of us and wants to help us if we will genuinely and consistently seek His guidance and help. He is invested in our success but is limited in His ability to help us by eternal laws which give us our freedom to choose and also require us to follow the light inside us that helps us feel the difference between good and bad. When we seek good things we increase our ability to receive guidance from God and when do not we impede our ability to receive inspiration and blessings.

One of the beautiful things about the being a God is that He sent us to earth for a reason. It is this feeling that pushes me forward through tough times, that encourages me to reach out to just one more person and to fall to my knees and plead to Him when I no longer have the strength to stand. When we call, He ALWAYS answers. That is crazy amazing.

Read More Here:

Finding Light In Our Times of Spiritual Darkness

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

Faith and Piano

When Cancer Came

I dedicate this post to all those who really want to know what it is like. This is NOT a happy or inspiring post...it's just real.

As I think back on this year and the two previous years it's been a WILD RIDE.  It was kind of like a roller coaster but riding it with the flu and no seat belt...yep, that pretty well describes it.  The foundations of my life have been shaken and I've had to dig deep and see what I'm really made of.

The trial of my faith began the day my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  I remember thinking, people beat cancer all the time, you hear their inspirational stories and how much they learn and grow in the process and that's going to be us.  Every challenge we face after this will be measured, to some degree, by how we faced this one and it will make us so much better and it will be amazing and we'll look back on this in our old age, sitting on our porch in our rocking chairs, and be amazed at how it shaped us.  This was what I anticipated, this was my hope.  This was my BEST CASE SCENARIO.

I have always found comfort in worst case scenarios.  It's kind of twisted buy I've found comfort in knowing that it could have always been worse that what it is.

When the cancer came back the first time I was heartbroken.  The surgeon came in and explained very matter-of-factly that it was back and we were going to repeat the previous surgery with it's week hospital stay and 6-8 week recovery at home and then we hope it doesn't come back.  He left the room and we both wept.  It was one of the handful of times I've seen my husband weep.  We thought we'd learned our lesson, fought our battle and were ready to move on with our lives.  We had a baby right after his first surgery and he was now five months old and the cancer was back?! How could this be the plan?

It was a few months later that scans showed reason for concern and we canceled our vacation plans to stay home for radiation treatments and four months after that further treatment was deemed necessary. We took a trip to visit family knowing when we returned it would be time to determine the next step.

Through all of this I was not naively hopeful.  I studied this specific type of cancer.  I read the research studies and it made me sick to my stomach.  The survival rates didn't look good and as much as I tried to have a positive outlook I felt in my heart that this would be a losing battle.  I HATE TO LOOSE. I've always thought of myself as a fighter.  It was my husband who toned me down.  He was the one who tamed me. He was the calm to my storm.  I have met very few people in my life who could see through the toughness to the tender heart inside and he broke down all my defenses with ease.  He made me WANT to be a wife and mother and even helped me see the value in leaving the workforce to raise our children. The thought of losing this battle was just TOO MUCH.

I went to therapy for a time to deal with the anxiety of life.  The counselor offered some help but ultimately came to the conclusion that my biggest issue was that I was mourning my spouse when he was still alive. I needed to hear it and it I gained some coping skills that got me through for a time. I am grateful that I let go of mourning for a time as is allowed us to enjoy the time we did have though I never could have guessed how short that time would be.

Metastasized, that's the word you never want to hear from your doctor and this one was very careful not to use it.  I both loved and hated him for it. We found ourselves traveling for a drug trial where we finally talked about the implications of that dreaded word. The months that followed were better than they could have been and I kept reassuring myself that the fact that he was still working was a good sign. He went to work every day but spent the rest of the day in a recliner often watching YouTube videos or reading books with our boys while we enjoyed quiet evenings at home. On one such evening our world changed. Within 48 hours he was gone.  No warning, no slow decline, just gone.

Now what? Go back to being the fighter? Put back up the walls that kept me safe for so many years? What now?

If you found this helpful you might like:

Lessons In Grief- Part 1

Lessons in Grief-Part 2

Lessons from 2016

When We Call God Answers

Lessons I Learned From Elsa-2016

I found this post this week that was written last November and decided it was time to share.

How many of you are still experiencing this song, “Let It Go,” over and over again? Has the Frozen frenzy ended or are some of your little ones in the midst of experiencing this obsession? I must admit I really liked that movie but I’m afraid the message I heard so often has taken a long time to sink in.

I was talking to my sister a few months ago and we got to talking about trying to fix our bad days and turn them around and how frustrating it is to have days like that and how often we hang on to those days as evidence of all the things we are doing wrong in our lives.  My sister challenged me on days like that to let it go, chalk it up as having a bad day and move on.  This is simple but it was a major light bulb moment for me.  I’m a fixer by nature so the thought that I could just leave the day and say, “well, that was a doozy,” and leave it alone was HUGE.  We will have difficult days.  It is part of our mortal experience.  There is a scriptures teach us that there must be opposition in all things.  If your kids never got sick, made messes, took their diaper off and peed in the middle of the kitchen floor (yep, that happened this week), we wouldn’t appreciate the days when everyone was healthy, the dishes are mostly done, and the clothes stayed on (the struggle is real my friends). We have to have disagree with our spouse, family, co-workers, roommates and friends every once in a while so we can appreciate that we can forgive and still be friends. It’s all part of life.  Sometimes life is messy and the real lesson is to not let that messiness keep you from finding joy in the little things. So thanks Elsa, but mostly thanks to my sister who took a moment to teach me another lesson that God had for me. 

Stop Selling Yourself Short

60%, I explained to my sister, I am about 60-70% of the woman I once was.  The conversation had turned deep fast as we talked about the challenges we are currently facing. She was recovering from a bout of pneumonia and I was still adjusting to the idea of a life without my spouse.  She explained something to me that changed the way I saw myself.  She said simply, "if you are doing the best you can, you are operating at 100%."  What a simple concept, yet so profound.

Somewhere along the way I came to understand that my value lies not in who I am but in what I am able to accomplish in a day.  I would make to do lists and trudge through them day after day sometimes missing out on the simple things that are so important to my happiness. How often I chose a chore over a quiet moment with someone I loved based on this valuation.

When did I start to believe I was broken because I couldn't do the laundry list of things that media portrays a "good mom" doing? There is not list of required accomplishments to be a successful human being.  There is not expectation that we all reach the same goals or pursue the same dreams.  How dull life would be if that were true!

Each of us is unique.  Our life goals and aspirations and how we spend our time on any given day will be as unique as we are and it it's time to embrace the beautiful things that make you you.

Read More Here:

Faith and Piano

Cancer Diagnosis

Highs and Lows

The highest high and the lowest low I can remember in the past two years happened in the same month. The month before my high/low month we were told that it was time to switch gears from localized cancer treatments to systemic treatments. This was a HUGE red flag as they'd been telling us for some time that they had effective localized treatments but none of the systemic meds were effective beyond stabilizing the disease for a few months.  This happened mid-month. The next two weeks were a flurry of planning and testing in preparation for starting a drug trial in California. I antagonized over the decision to join my husband on the trip or stay home and take care of my children. I always hated not being there when Matt went to the doctor as I always had so many questions and Matt was always so optimistic about his situation that it colored his answers when he would recount the appointment to me later. That's one of the things I really loved about him, he never gave up hope that some big thing would come along and eradicate his disease. The stress of dealing with treatments and the unknown was also starting to get to me at this point. I spent time visiting with my mom and my mother in law taking through the pros and cons of joining him on this trip which went from being a one week trip to being a little over two weeks. I will be forever grateful for their encouraging me to go and their willingness to come up and take care of everything and everyone while I was away.

Our time in California started with a two hour visit with our new oncologist. I had a TON of questions and was so grateful for the almost two hours he took answering them. People with HUGE hearts become oncologists. They are really fighting for a cure; they are VERY invested in getting people well. The words metastatic disease hit me like a ton of bricks and my head was swimming with emotions when we got back to our hotel and let it all sink in. The next two days we took a time to see the sights. There were intermittent phone calls with the doctor but mostly just enjoying the town. The ocean is SO amazing and the Golden Gate Bridge just put me in such awe. After another day of tests we headed south. We had a week break before the next doctor appointment and he was starting oral chemo. They hesitated to call it chemotherapy but that's what it was.

We spent the next week enjoying the scenery in between resting to give his body time to adjust to the new meds. We talked and walked so much. I was amazed at how we never ran out of things to talk about. It was that way when we were dating and it was that way when we was home recovering from surgery, I just never got tired of having him around. We saw beautiful beaches, amazing Redwood trees that have stood since before the birth of Christ, ate amazing food and just enjoyed the time together. After one more quick doctor visit we were on our way home. Part of the justification for the trip was that it would count as our ten year anniversary trip. I'd been planning one in my head for years but was really unsure if we'd really take a vacation since it seemed so selfish. Even as I watched him slow down over the next few months I never imagined I would lose him before we got to ten years. He passed suddenly just four months before our anniversary.

I was reading my journal from the trip this morning and feeling so grateful that we had these beautiful, happy moments in the middle of this huge health issue. There have been moments along the way where I've felt worried and prayed and been counseled not to worry. I assumed that meant my husband's health would improve. The truth of the matter is that worrying would have only served to put extra stress on us all. When I was told "everything will be okay" it didn't mean his body would be healed, it meant that despite the challenges we would face God would watch over us. He would send angels to comfort, help, bless and mourn with us. Matt's death was such a shock and I held on to hope that he would pull through up until the doctor came in and told me he had just hours to live. I spent time feeling very confused and angry that things happened the way they did but I keep coming back to the quiet reassurance that everything will be okay and I know it will. There will be hard days, there will be challenges but God always prepares the way for us to do what He asks of us. I know this to be true.

What I Learned in 2016

This year has been a wild ride...like a roller coaster without a seatbelt. I've learned some things from my year that I think are important to share.

Make Memories: My husband and I took what he called a medical vacation in February to Sunny California. Between the medical tests and appointments we visited the Golden Gate Bridge, tone of the Redwood forests, the beach at Monterey, the boardwalk at Santa Cruz, Lobos State Park and several other places. We created memories that I cherish so take time to take time to make memories, even if you just take a day trip, play a game, go on a walk, play together, take time to create memories with the people you love.

Find Your People: There are people out there that just get you. They are hard to find as personalities vary so broadly. Join a club, plan an outing and invite friends, attend community events, go out and look for people who share common interests. Good friends are precious,  find some and keep in touch with them when they move away. Let them know you value them because those are the people you'll call when life gets tough...because they understand you.

Be A Gracious Receiver: When someone offers help accept. When we receive Wether it's a service, a compliment, an invitation, a word of advice or a criticism we will be so much better off if we can learn to receive it graciously we'll be better off for it. I wish I could more accurately explain how this concept has changed me but I am at a loss.

Take Care Of Yourself: Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is stop and take a few deep breaths, a hot bath or a quiet hour curled up in a blanket with or without a book does wonders for me.  Pay attention to the food you're putting into your body. You wouldn't dump junk into your car's tank so be aware what your putting in your body. Take a walk it's good for the mind and body. My goal this week is to make it around the block with the dog everyday; we've made it all the way around once so far this week.

Seek Inspiration Daily: Time is precious and if you want to spend it on what's most important for you today ask God to tell you. Have a daily planning meeting each morning and ask Him to guide you throughout the day. When you have a thought to do something don't dismiss it, do it. Allow Him to direct your steps.

Sing and Dance: Find what makes you happy, make a list and do something that makes you happy every day. I've learned that TV doesn't and have replaced my hour of TV down time doing things that make me happy. I still get a break and I'm in a better mood when I'm done.

Have Realistic Expectations: You don't know what you don't know. Don't expect yourself to be able to do things without learning to do them first, also don't expect your children to always get it right. I'm working on spending more time teaching and less time demanding quality performances from them.

Wow! What a year. I can honestly say I am looking forward to this year. I have NO CLUE what it will bring but I'm ready.