God Found Me Today

 Evey once in a while I start to get really down on myself; maybe it's because I've been stretched a little thin or I've been taking more on than usual or I've fallen through on some commitments that were important to me. This week was no exception. For my first two months of work I was very kind to myself letting things go undone at home because I had just started working 30 hrs/week and knowing I was pushing my limits with what I could cram into a day. I'd stocked up my pantry really well before February hit and was feeling pretty good about life. As March began I starting thinking, "what can I do to fit in my house cleaning and errands so things are still getting done." I began hitting the grocery store or another store in the AM before work so things were getting done. I made my evenings a bit more productive and it seemed like everything was working okay. I tweaked the way we're doing chores at home so the boys get paid a commission if they do seven house chores a week (one for each day). They also have to clean and vacuum their rooms and put away their laundry to earn their weekly commission. I thought I had it all figured out. Then last Monday hit and as I was leaving a co-worker said, "aren't you late to pick up kids." I had forgotten it was Monday and everyone gets out an hour early on MOnday. Then on Saturday Jacob had FSY kickoff and they got done at 7:30 at the stake center, I arrived at 7:51 to pick him up.  Not my best moments.

This morning as I was carefully walking around the house trying not to agrivate a back injury (I strained/tweeked something yesterday and have been limping around since) I was thinking about how I feel about the gospel. Old Testiment has been hard for me to read and teach. So many of the stories seem a little crazy and I feel like my attitude about it is affecting the spirit in my home. I was also feeling a little sorry for myself about the whole "dead husband" thing and had had some not so encouraging conversations about it through the week. So today I turned on the "Come Follow Me For Us" podcast as it usually lifts my spirits and one of the first things she says in each podcast is that the purpose of the "Come Follow Me" manual is to build our faith in Christ and strengthen our relationship with him as he beckons, "come follow me." This must have struck a chord with me as another sister had pointed out during a frustrated discussion on FB about the sealing issue that maybe we were worrying about the wrong things and needed to focus less on our inability to have a specific blessing we sought (being able to be sealed to more than one man while alive) and focus more on keeping the covenants we've already made and making those alive and working in our lives.  This tied in so well to a story told on the podcast by a ten year old boy whose parents had been called as mission presidents and they didn't yet know where they were to be sent. He was upset when they told him and he went upstairs and opened his scriptures to a random page. As he shared his story I was touched by how he understood and fully expected to receive an answer to his question. He faithfully was seeking comfort and understanding. He shared the answer he found that talked about working in the vineyard and how because he had worked in the vineyard he would find joy in working in the vineyard. He said, "I don't know if this is what this means but this is what it meant to me." He explained that his answer was that he'd been doing good work and the opportunity to to on a mission as a mission president's son was a blessing that he was being given because of the righteous choices he'd made and it brought him peace.

As I heard this story I was thinking about how I've not felt guided and helped and immediately the thought came to my mind that I forgot to pick up my kid on Monday, I was a full hour late but he had gone home with a friend whose mom had texted me and I didn't even feel stressed when all of this was happening.  One of my biggest goals for the past three years has been to have grace for myself and others. The spirit blessed me to not feel guilt or stress about what had happened with either of my sons this week and is helping me to learn to be more forgiving of myself and others understanding more fully that we make mistakes and will continue to do so on this mortal journey. When those challenges are met with kindness and patience (even with ourselves) the situation can be resolved so much quicker and smoother than when we loose our patience (which still happens often to me). 

As I continued to ponder how my heart has been changing I remembered putting my own name on the prayer roll the last time I was in the temple and the simple prayers I'd said this week for my kids (in my head as we're running out the door). The spirit testified to me that I am able to receive inspiration, answers and help on the daily as I seek it. I am not so lost that God has forgotten or forsaken me. I have questions that I still seek answers and I have pain and anger that is yet to be fully healed from my loss but I also have hope in complete healing and the ability to search for and find answers and support when I need it most.

I know that God is real. I know He loves us and sent His Son to die for us so we can make mistakes and repent and continue to move forward. I know They are both there for us through the good and the difficult in as much as we will allow them to be. What I know that I am most grateful for is that they continue to reach out to us in love when we turn away from them in anger and despair.  They are always there.

Holding To Faith

 I was asked to speak to our church congregation on the topic of "Doubt Not, Fear Not, Faith in Jesus Christ Can Move Mountains." This is what I shared.

How in the world did I end up here!?! Have you ever looked at you life and wondered that? I can't tell you how many times I've asked myself this question over the years. Seriously, how did I get here?

I didn't desire to serve a mission, I was three years into my degree at BYU-Idaho and had made a plan to continue my education, graduate with my MBA and prep for the CPA (apparently I had a thing for getting letters behind my name.) Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. For months I argued with the Lord, insisting I wasn’t cut out for this kind of work. He gently guided me to the realization that this was the next step for me.

After 18 months of intense spiritual growth that taught me the importance of leaning on the Lord and that strength and healing were available through His atonement I was ready to jump into my next phase of life. I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did,  He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden it just didn't feel right.

I graduated from BYU-Idaho and moved to WA state. There I met my best friend and we were married. The next seven years were a whirlwind of simple happy times and normal everyday challenges. We had two children and bought our first home. Then we hit a road block. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, had surgery, and they told us to hope it didn't come back. Two and half years later, without warning, he got blood clots and in 48 hours, his mortal journey ended. I became a widowed at age 33. 

My first year of widowhood I pressed forward, convinced that if I could get through the year of firsts on my own it would get easier. I read amazing stories about people's lives post loss and I found comfort in that. I imagined God had something in store for me and assumed that meant finding a new husband and one day writing an inspirational Ensign worthy story about how God had this amazing plan for me and how it all made perfect sense. That was not to be. 

I'll spare you the details of the miserable next two years but know it was full of tears, anger, frustration, discouragement, and disappointment. Why hadn't God given me my Ensign story? Why hadn't he made my life and my family whole again? Why had God not moved my mountain of grief and brought about the miracle of healing to my soul?

I had SO many questions. As the years went on there were many ups and downs and many moments of questioning my faith. The biggest question was, "how do I continue to have faith in a God who allowed this to happen?"

It’s been five years since my best friend became my guardian angel and it has been a long road. Today I’d like to share with you some of the things that helped me hold to faith though this journey.

Brothers and Sisters do you remember Pres Uchdorf’s powerful invitation to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith? (“Come Join With Us,” Ensign Nov 2013.)  I took this invitation into my broken heart and held to the principles I knew to be true. First off, I knew God was there, even on my angriest days I knew He was there. I even directed my anger at Him for a time and He was still there loving me as only He could. I also knew my Savior loves me, He loves me SO much that He was willing make His life’s work making it possible for you and me to return to live with our Heavenly Father again. There are times when emotions are so powerful that it is hard to feel God’s love but it is so important to strive to feel it, to desire to feel it, and to ask in prayer that we can feel it. When we feel that love, it changes our world.

I made a quote wall in my bedroom and I would copy down words from the scriptures and general conference quotes and place them where I could see them each day when I needed a little extra strength. Some of my favorites were:

“…the Lord has blessed us…with all the power, gifts and strength that are needed…” -Bonnie Oscarson (Ensign Nov 2016)

“All crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving.” Neil A Maxwell (Notwithstanding our Weakness)

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

 “Knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience…The most difficult times of our lives are building blocks of a strong foundation.” -Didier F.Uchtdorf

Another tool I found helpful in holding to faith is looking back at old journal entries and specifically thinking back on spiritual experiences I had had when I had been directed and received answers to my prayers and my testimony had been strengthened.

Elder Anderson taught, “from time to time, God powerfully and very personally assures each of us that He knows us and loves us and that He is blessing us specifically and openly. Then, in our moments of difficulty, the Savior brings these experiences back into our mind.”

He further explains, “You might think of your spiritual memories this way. With constant prayer, a determination to keep our covenants, and the gift of the Holy Ghost, we navigate our way through life. When personal difficulty, doubt, or discouragement darken our path, or when world conditions beyond our control lead us to wonder about the future, the spiritually defining memories from our book of life are like luminous stones that help brighten the road ahead, assuring us that God knows us, loves us, and has sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to help us return home. And when someone sets their defining memories aside and is lost or confused, we turn them toward the Savior as we share our faith and memories with them, helping them rediscover those precious spiritual moments they once treasured.”

Some of my strongest spiritual memories were answers received in the quiet of the temple, the day I was sealed to my spouse, the birth of each of my children, and the day my sweetheart ended his mortal journey. Each of these days were accompanied by strong spiritual impressions that I was headed in the right direction and flooded with God’s love for me. When I pondered on these times I was reminded of God’s presence in my life and felt strengthened by them.

I also found it helpful to write down my thoughts. For the last five years my journal has consisted of a series of emails written when my mind and heart were full and I needed to let it out. I’ve made it a point to journal on both good days and bad days, this is helpful because I can look back on my challenges and see how far I’ve come. I remember early on in my grief journey writing that grief feels like drowning and it really did that day. I often remember that intensity and it has become a benchmark for my healing. The waves of grief still come, sometimes I’m able to ride them out floating on the top of the wave, sometimes I’m knocked off my feet for a time and struggle to regain my footing but the progress and healing is still there and I’m able to see that as I look back on those journal entries.

Another strengthening strategy was taught by Pres Nelson in his talk entitled “Joy and Spiritual Survival.”  He explained that “the joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives.”

He continues, “When the focus of our lives is on God’s plan of salvation…and Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy [and I add hold to faith] regardless of what is happening-or not happening-in our lives. Joy comes from and because of Him. He is the source of all joy.” (Ensign, Oct 2016)

Peter experienced this principle in a very real way as he walked on the water to meet the Savior. When he focused on Christ his footing was sure, it was only when his focus shifted to the waves that he began to sink. We too can find strength and hold to faith as we focus on our Savior and the truths He taught.

Another strategy for holding to faith in times of difficulty is found in 1 Nephi 1:20 it reads, “I…will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom He hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”

Elder Bednar explains, “The Lord’s tender mercies are very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindness, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ.” (Ensign, Feb 2012)

I’ve learned to watch for these tender mercies in my life and pray for the ability to recognize them when they come. If I am not watchful I often miss these personalized blessings that evidence Heavenly Father’s love for me. These tender mercies help build my faith in Heavenly Father and allow me to feel His love even when life gets messy.

I’d like to close with this thought by Elder Todd Budge, he said, “The good news of the gospel is not the promise of a life free of sorrow and tribulation but a life full of purpose and meaning-a life where our sorrows and afflictions can be “swallowed up in the joy of Christ.” The Savior declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” His gospel is a message of hope. Sorrow coupled with hope in Jesus Christ holds the promise of enduring joy.” (2019)

I have come to understand that life is full of challenges many of which we cannot endure on our own. But as we overcome fear and doubt by holding to faith we can, as Elder Budge explained, have a life full of purpose, meaning, and even joy. And when we have moments of darkness we can hold onto the hope of healing that is possible through Jesus Christ. I know this has been true in my life.

Making Friends With The Beast

This past weekend an unexpected turn of events requiring a jump start, a borrowed phone, and eventually a tow truck earned us an extra day of vacation and we ended up at the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA. The farm was started by a man who trained animals for Disney productions including bears, Bobcats and elk. It's now a wildlife preserve where they allow you to feed wheat bread to some of the wild life. Where else in the world do they let you feed the bears!?! We drove through the first area with llamas and yak, the llama were friendly and at one point one of them stuck its head into the car through the window looking for more bread. 

The look on my eleven-year-old's face was priceless. The yak were a bit more intimidating being rather muscular in build but were eye level with us in our Subaru Impreza and that was fun. The Kodiak bears were next and one of them even put on a little show for us so we would feed him. I couldn't help but wonder about his history. Next was the "no feeding zone". This area had black bears, tigers, lions, Bobcats, wolves, raccoon and several others. 

The intense part came when we entered the elk and bison zone. They use a type of cattle guard to keep them in (they can't walk across it but you can drive through) and the signs say not to stop your vehicle in the area as damage will occur to your vehicle. I was amazed at the size of these animals. They walked right over looking for bread. When they headed our way I had the kids roll the windows half way up. As the first elk attempted to put his head into our little car I was a little bit terrified. We had a horse growing up and I knew how strong she was so having anything larger than that and not super tame that close to my family seemed cause for concern. The boys held pieces of bread out the window and it tried to catch them before the boys got intimidated and dropped it.  Then the bison came over. If the elk was intimidating the bison was down right scary! They were huge! For a moment I questioned my judgement in driving into this situation. In the end we enjoyed it so much that we drove through one more time before heading home. We got a little braver the second time and really enjoyed it. We also got to watch an elk stick its head into a Ford truck behind us as we slowly drove through. So funny to watch. 

As I've been thinking about this experience I see some parallels with grief and other ongoing challenges in our lives. We see it from a distance and it looks doable but when we get up close it's downright scary. There are times when we need to take a break from thinking about and dealing with our challenges before coming back to them. When we do we'll get a better look at them and have more of an opportunity to examine them up close and maybe even marvel at the intricacies of our situation as we would marvel at the long black tongue of the bison that just slobbered on our car window. (Yep, that happened.) We can, in time, make friends with the beasts that are life's greatest challenges and find the beauty and joy in life between the moments of uncertainty. As scary as it is sometimes we must learn to make friends with the beast.

Read More Here:

I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Most Important Things

In Which I Perfect The Pity Party and End It Early

Written January 2018

I cannot count the number of miserable moments I've had in the past five years. If you'd asked me during my husband's cancer journey if I knew what it was to face hard things I'd have told you I was an expert. Little did I know that my journey into difficult things was only just beginning. If someone told me a single event could cause a person to hurt so deeply for so long I wouldn't have believed them. My grief has taken me places I never wanted to go and when I chose to stay in the darkness I experienced what I called, "going down the rabbit hole." This is when one negative thought leads to another and before you know it you're in deep, so deep that you can't see the light of day.

In Jerry Sittser's book, A Grace Disguised, he talks about grief being a darkness we must choose to walk into. There are things that need to be felt to heal and we must work through those feelings. I completely agree it needs to be felt but what I often forget while walking through the darkness is YOU MUST KEEP MOVING. If you enter the darkness and set up camp your healing stops, your progress stops. Niel A Maxwell explains that, "...all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. (Ensign, Nov 1976)"

Six months after my spouse passed suddenly I had a friend challenge me to make grieving a priority. I felt that wasn't possible with my responsibilities of running a household and caring for my three young children (then 9, 7, and 2). She suggested making a list of the things that needed done and asking God to send someone to take care of them so I could grieve. It sounded a little bit crazy but it struck a chord so I gave it a try.  The flood of support that came was astonishing. We had people from church, school, preschool, and family helping with yard work, decorating for Christmas, making meals, cleaning house, and entertaining children. The most amazing part is that it didn't come all at once in an overwhelming wave, it came in bits and pieces here and there when it was most needed. We were out of town at Christmas and I had an especially thoughtful friend call and ask if she could come take down my Christmas decorations as that might be difficult, she was SO right.

I spent SO much time worrying about getting through that first year and was quite concerned about how I would get through the many years to come but with each act of love my fear subsided. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear..." Like light and darkness, fear and love cannot coexist. As each person showed up for me the fear subsided. That year I made a Facebook live video instead of sending out Christmas cards. It was far easier and I'm so glad I did as I had forgotten how blessed my life had been. Here I am 2 1/2 years later still trying to make sense of my loss and my life post-loss being reminded that God really does answer prayers and He really does send help when we ask and are humble enough to receive it (which is really difficult for me). 

I echo what I said in this video so long ago, "we feel so blessed  to be part of your lives when it wasn't  (and isn't) easy for us to be part of others' lives...we're doing so well because of your love, your prayers, and your service." I will hold onto that when the days get long, as they often do knowing that it is your love, and God's love, that will get me through one more day.

Read More Here:

Making Friends With The Beast

When 1+1=5

When We Get Knocked Down

Oct 1, 2013

Lessons In Grief - When The Dust Clears

Shock. Denial. Anger. Acceptance. Healing.

Grief cycles.  So they say...

What they don't say is that it ebbs and flows, surges and floods and sometimes emotions are just too tangled to understand. Then comes the anxiety of dealing with people's well intentioned advice. There were SO many days when I just needed someone to sit with me, not try to fix me or talk it out but just be... but I was too ashamed of everything I was feeling to let someone do that. Slowly I pushed people away, it got easier to tell people off. It hurt to keep them at distance but not as much as seeing the look in their eyes when I let the really see what I was going through. I was a shell of the person I was. I bounced back and forth between being completely numb and completely overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. (I didn't fully understand how hard it was on my friends to watch my pain until I had someone open up to me about their spouse passing and it is difficult to be on the other side of that too.  I truly have some ROCK STAR friends.)

One of the most important things I learned during this time was that there is no such thing as a "bad emotion". My whole life I had this perception that I wasn't supposed to feel angry or sad or frustrated about things but in reality it wasn't the emotions I was needing to regulate but how I reacted to those emotions. Emotions themselves aren't inherently good or bad, they just are (this TED talk explains this concept so well). From a spiritual perspective I came to understand that a divine creator, with infinite wisdom, gave us the ability to feel for a purpose. With this realization my focus changed from trying to control my emotions to recognizing what I was feeling, acknowledging the feeling (naming it if needed), and allowing myself to work through the emotion hopefully allowing it to serve whatever purpose it might have and then let it go.

I started seeing my mind and body as a super highway for emotions. When I used the recognize, feel, release method I functioned okay. When I would avoid an emotion I wasn't ready to feel or held on to an emotion that had already served its purpose (like anger) it caused traffic jams and I could feel the stress of the congestion. When I recognized how my emotions could build up and cause tension in my body learning tools for emotional release became a high priority. (I also recognized that when the tension built up it often manifested in angry outbursts.)

Here are some ideas for dealing with emotional back ups:

Hot baths- heat forces tension out of muscles, massage also does this

Distraction- engaging your mind in another task so you get a break from current stressors (I call this "shelving" the issue to be dealt with later) Kent Allen teaches a similar method for training our brains to move back into a space from grieving to joy (listen to his remarks HERE).
Brain Dump- writing out what you're feeling in a journal and getting it out of your head
Walk It Out- by physically moving forward we show our brain that we can move forward emotionally as well (Martha, Hickman explains this in Healing After Loss).
Aromatherapy- Citrus oils lift mood, Wood oils help in feeling supported, and Florals aid in relaxation (I like to do Lavendar and Cedarwood in my hot bath)
Get Moving- Physical activity has been great for helping me burn off frustration and anger. Hitting a ball, digging, scrubbing, running, anything that gets your heart pumping can have this effect.
Music- Singing can be a great emotional outlet as well as playing an instrument or just listening.
Cry it Out-I have learned that tears can be healing. Fighting it tends to back up the emotional highway.
Hydrate- For some reason my body (including mind and emotions) functions better with proper hydration.

Read More Here:

The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub

Making Friends With The Man In The Glass

What Was God Thinking

Falling Apart

When God Makes 1 Plus 1 Equal 5

I have always thought it strange when people ask offhandedly "how many kids are you going to have?" I used to think that was a pretty normal question...until I started having children. When Matt and I married we were in our mid-twenties, we had met, dated and were married in a relatively short time so when we started talking about having a family I was very intimidated by the thought...not to mention I had just spent four years earning a college degree in preparation for a career. My husband encouraged me to pray about it and I felt strongly that it was time to start our family. Within the first three years of marriage we had our first two children and purchased our first home. 

At this time my life felt pretty full. I remember about two months after our second was born I had been praying to know what God had in store for me and that my heart would be open to whatever that was. There was a day I remember clearly pondering on this and feeling strongly that we were to have another child. I was so shocked by this thought. I was in the middle of that "new baby" phase where no one's getting any sleep. My immediate thought was that Good must be crazy...but the thought was so clear and I felt it so strongly that I knew it was an answer to my prayer. Time passed and my intention was to get my new baby through his first three years before we started trying for a third. 

Life was busy and crazy with two busy little boys and before long those three years had passed. Eventually we started trying for a third. Months turned into a year and my frustration grew as things didn't go as planned. With time I became angry as our righteous desire, that we felt was inspired, failed to be realized. I often became angry with God as I was trying to do what I felt directed by Him to do and it just wasn't happening. Then came real trouble...

My husband was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer (Read more about that HERE). I won't go into detail but it was challenging. I remember one day I went up on the roof to clean off debris and have a heart to heart with God. I felt strongly that if something was going to happen to my husband I should be doing two things to prepare...the first was to stop trying for a third child as two children would be manageable on my own and the second was to brush up my resume and start working toward a career. I felt strongly that I was NOT to do either of those.

We got through the first surgery and recovery and not long after I was expecting our third. We held our breath with each cancer screening and for a year were blessed with clean scans. When my third was five months old the cancer came back never to leave again. Our little guy was a bright spot through the next surgery and into subsequent treatment. He was his daddy's buddy.

My husband became our guardian angel two months before our little's second birthday. It seemed so unfair (you can read more on this HERE). I have often thought about how different my life would be without number three. At times I've even doubted if I understood correctly what God was trying to tell me all those years ago. Recently I've had a shift in perspective, now I begin with, "I know this is what God wants for me," and from there ask, "what now?" It is incredible how this has changed how I feel about my life. I spent so much time feeling stuck in this role as a solo parent and now I'm wondering what God is trying to accomplish and moving forward, as I did before, praying to have a heart and mind open to whatever it is he is trying to accomplish in and through me now.

Sometimes the direction I'm sent makes about as much sense as 1+1=5 but each time I follow what I feel to be right it works out in the long run.  Sometimes I fight it, sometimes I put it off for a time, but it does work out for my good.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 KJV

Read More Here:

When You Feel Your Hands Are Tied

The Road Less Traveled By

When We Get Knocked Down

What Was God Thinking!?!

How in the world did I end up here!?!" I can't tell you how many times I've found myself asking this question and it's usually in frustration and anger. (Usually in the middle of cleaning up some literal or emotional explosion caused by the literal toddler or the angry inner toddler my entire household seems to be unleashing on a regular basis lately.)  One day I seriously asked myself this question and opened my heart to hear the answer. 

I didn't desire to serve a mission, I  made a plan to continue my education and graduate with my MBA and prepared to sit for the CPA (I'm not going to lie, the concept of having those letters after my name is still appealing). Taking two years off from school after finishing my junior year to teach strangers about Jesus in a foreign language was NOT part of my plan. I took my plan to the Lord and was redirected. After my mission I was dating a man who was tall, dark, and handsome. I went to the Lord and said, "stop me if this is wrong," and he did,  He stopped me like a brick wall, all the sudden ot just didn't feel right. I graduated from college and moved to Seattle for a job which ended up not working out but met the love of my life (still the best decision I  have ever made). We got married and I told my husband that I wasn't ready to start a family and he invited me to pray about it. Our oldest was born 10 months later. Two years later I felt I was failing as a mother and felt prompted to have another child. (That is still laughable to me as having another child somehow motivated me to work harder at the "mom thing" and I learned to love it.) I attended the temple a month or two after having my second child and asked that my mind be open to whatever message God had for me and was told there was another child waiting to come to our family. (I was super confused by that one since I was recovering from having a baby and really sleep deprived.) When my husband was diagnosed with cancer I was ready to brush up my resume and get back to work so I could provide for my family, I was told that I was needed at home. We had that third baby and he was a bright spot and my husband's cancer returned when he was 5 months old. He came with us to doctor appointments and was such a good distraction as we navigated all of that. When my husband passed my first thought was that I needed to jump into the workforce and figure out how to make that work, again I was told I was needed at home. Time and time again I thought I had it figured out and was told "no."

When I truly ask, "how did I get here," the answer is that I made a plan, took it to God, and was redirected over and over again. Sometimes I feel resentful and want to blame God for this mess I'm in. I could have been the CFO of a small company by now, I could not have had to bury a husband, there are SO many different directions my life could have gone but some part of me knew that if I trust He will lead me down a path that will take me places that I can only go with His help, grow into who I really want to be, and accomplish SO much more than I ever could on my own. I got here because I CHOSE to make Him part of my decision process and have spent years learning to recognize how He speaks to me and guides me (sometimes through a voice in my head, a feeling in my heart that helps me recognize truth, and sometimes by hearing others speak truth.). Deep down some part of me knows, even on my difficult days, that this is how I want to live, directed by Him.

I have had so many moments of anger and doubt. I have cursed God, said things that shocked me, wanted to quit many times, given up praying for a time, and cried SO many tears that I've become numb; but somehow I always come back to how much I am loved and and that He was loving me through all the tough days, the heartbreaks and waiting for me to let down my walls of anger and resentment so I could feel that love again.

I've been a single mom for over three years now. I wish I could say I've faced my trials head on walking side by side with God but the truth is, sometimes He drags me along kicking and screaming, sometimes patiently waiting for the anger to subside (like I do with my toddler) before approaching me to take my hand and get me moving again. And somedays He just listens while I cry about how unfair and hard this is; loving me as only He can and understanding how much it hurts as only He can and offering healing that only He can give.

I hate it when people say the purpose of life is for us to face challenges but deep down I know it is true and that when I lean on the Lord I will make it through. And so will you.

Read More Here:

Ship Shape Faith

When Your Hands Are Tied

Life Is A Battlefield

I Am The Girl Who Hides In The Bathtub...And That's Okay!

It's evening and I feel the anxiety coming on, that feeling of being wound so tight my neck and shoulders are a mass of tense muscles, my knees start to feel like they're going to buckle and give out on me, I've given all I had today and it's time to sit in a hot bath and soothe my nerves before I explode in a mess of shouting which eventually leads to crying and wondering how I'm going to do it again tomorrow.  How did I become the girl who hides from the world in her bathtub?

I had the realization today that I am, indeed, the girl who hides in the bathtub, but along with that came the realization that I am many other things too. I am the girl who loves to read Dr. Seuss, to sing at the top of my lungs, to feel the sun on my face and to talk on the phone. I am the girl who loves baked goods and country music and playing tennis. I am many good things. I am also the girl who grieves for my husband, who feels inadequate to be a solo parent, who gets really stressed by crowds, who dreads conversations with people who don’t understand my daily struggles and fears the depth of pain I feel in the silence of every quiet night.

I am that girl who feels ten years older then I am because of what I've been through and that's okay. We all have parts of ourselves that we love and parts we don't. We all have flaws and inconsistencies and bad moments we look back on and think, "I should have handled that differently." What I have discovered is that we can find beauty in the flaws, in the days where we just get through and the moments we're just grateful to have survived. 

Brenee Brown explained, "The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness-even our whole heartedness - actually depends on the integration of all our experiences, including the falls." 

I love this idea of our falls, our fails and our difficult moments being part of what makes us whole. If we didn't have challenges to face, moments of weakness or tiredness or inexperience would we progress?  Who would we be? Would our character have depth? Would we acquire problem solving skills and patience (still working on that one myself)? What would we become? 

Tomorrow when I look in the mirror I want to see the girl that has flaws but understands it's part of being the girl who is WHOLE and that is a great thing.

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Finding Light In Dark Times

The Road Less Traveled

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Just One Step

I can't draw to save my life and if it's not a wall I can't paint either.  My artistic skills are great as long as we're talking about piano or writing. We were sitting in church on Sunday and I was watching my 8 year old do a dot to dot.  I kept looking at it trying to figure out what the picture was and I could not figure it out.  As I sat a thought came to my mind that God works with us in our lives like a dot to dot.  He doesn't ask us to look at the picture and try to figure out what it is. He asks us to connect #1 to #2 then once we've done that he asks us to take one more step, connect #2 to #3.  He understands where we are in our progression and He guides us one step at t time and there are times when we really can't see why #539 connects to #540 as we can't see the big picture but He can, I know He can see the whole picture, I know he understands what I need to learn right now.  This knowledge does not prevent challenging days in my life, I still struggle on a regular basis.  I still have moments when I feel unequal to the task, but I have hope that in the end I will be able to see the finished picture and it will all make sense.  

The first verse of this Hymn solidifies this idea: 

 Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;

Lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene—one step enough for me.

When we ask to see the distant scene, the whole picture, often times it doesn't come but we can ask what the next step is and do that. I get overwhelmed thinking about the future but I can do one thing that God asks every day.  I can keep connecting the dots in my life until the master plan is revealed.  In the end God will make something beautiful out of my scribbles because He directed each line and together we will make a masterpiece.

Another great resource to help you take just one step at a time is the book Healing After Loss:Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman. I remember her touching on this same concept that physically walking and literally taking one step and then another helps prove to our mind and heart that we can go on. (I borrowed it from my local library.)

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The Road Less Traveled

Finding Light in Our Spiritually Dark Times

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Safe Spaces

Today I needed an outing. We cleaned house and packed a lunch and headed to a city park located on Puget Sound. I had felt strongly that it's time to get past the feeling that something is wrong when we go out as a family. The plan is to take day trips on Saturdays. Everyone must participate and we have to spend some time outside.

As we were driving we got to talking about the apartment where we lived when I had my first child, the job I had during that pregnancy and the library we walked to in my first three years of motherhood. Before I knew it we were talking about Matt and where he worked. We took a side trip and visited the airport where they park the planes before final delivery and they had two of the completed aircraft parked near the parking lot.

I was amazed at how interested the boys were in this airplane. I told them everything I could remember about it and pointed out the specific parts their dad helped design. I told them about the day I went to clean out his desk and how his manager said by helping design this military aircraft he literally helped make the world a better place. Their eyes lit up at that and I realized that something special was happening. Somehow in the telling of those memories and those facts they felt connected to their father.

When you lose someone close to you there are times when those memories are very painful and there are times when those memories promote healing. I remember laughing through tears during the funeral at the stories my brother-in-law told. As I have worked to understand what's happening in my heart and mind I realized that somewhere in my grief journey I let go of enough of the pain that the memories don't hurt so much and that happened by choosing to process the painful parts until only the good remained...or at least the pain was tolerable.

This process happened as I found safe places to talk through my grief; as I learned who the people were that would listen without judgement and without trying to fix my grief (it's not something you fix, it's a journey you undertake). Today I felt blessed, even if for only a short time, to be that place for my children. 

Many shy away from the subject but that doesn't help either (I know, I’ve tried). Even the avoidance of the painful subject can cause pain as you exclude the mourners and that is painful. Invite but don't pry, support but don't linger unless needed, and be patient as the individuals are embarking on a difficult journey. Create safety when you can and know they have little to give some days but they still need to be loved.

Ship Shape Faith

Have you ever wondered where the term "ship shape" came from? Quentin L. Cook learned that in Bristol Harbor the tidal range was 43 feet.  "At low tide when the water receded, the old ships would hit bottom and fall on their sides, and if the ships were not well built , they would be damaged.  In addition, everything  that was not tied down would be thrown in a chaotic fashion and ruined or spoiled." He was encouraged by mission leaders to be "shipshape and Bristol fashion." Read his full remarks here.

Having ship shape faith implies a strength that we don't always feel.  There will be times when everything we know is swept out from under us, those are the times we really need to feel the Love of Christ in our lives. When we're tipped over and all the people and things in our lives fall out of our lives because we're just so shaken.  When we question EVERYTHING, every decision we've ever made, everything we know to be true. Before reading this talk I described this as spiritually being knocked on your butt.  It's when you get hit and you didn't even see it coming, you're knocked off balance and down you go.  Those moments when we get knocked down hurt SO much.  The times of questioning are SO hard.  

What's gotten me through those times is coming back to the basics; God loves me, I am His child, Jesus Christ suffered and died for me, and He is with me every step of the way.

We had a stake relief society conference (for all women over 16 in our 8 church congregations) last week and the theme was "Live Like You Believe." The point that was driven home to me was that when we've been knocked on our butts, when we don't feel strong we need to do the things that we did when we felt our faith was strong;  we need to pray, we need to go to church, we need to seek answers in scripture and from inspired leaders. When we do these things it strengthens our faith and builds us during a time when we feel week; a time when we need strengthening most. 

These acts are important during calm times in our lives as well. Like the sailors on Bristol harbor must tie down their load even when the tide is high or when the seas are calm we are in essence tying down the important stuff even when we don't see the storms coming.  Elder Cook explains, "life is not easy, nor was it meant to be...Like the old ships in Bristol Harbor, there will be times when the tide goes out and it seems as if everything in this world keeping us afloat disappears. We may hit the bottom and even be tipped over on our sides [or knocked on our butts]. Amid such trials, I promise you that living and maintaining temple-worthy lives will hold together all that really matters." (Ensign, Nov 2015, p 42.)

That promise has brought me through SO much. There have been moments when I've had to look long and hard to see the things that REALLY matter in my life and I've had to let the other things fall out of my life but I know the things that really matter have been held together. I KNOW God loves us.

Read More Here:

Finding Light In Spiritually Dark Times

Finding Joy

Faith and Piano Lessons

I Don't Need Easy, I Just Need Possible

My life has been a game of extremes over the past year.  I would struggle through a hard day or two and go looking for something that would help so I learned that hot baths were nice and for a few days I'd end up in the bath once, sometimes twice, a day for a while before moving on to something else.  In my mind I felt that  if a little was good then a lot was better. My latest fixation is tennis.  I played in high school and intramurals in college, nothing serious I just seriously loved the game.  In August I had a friend who has been trying to get me to join the tennis club for years injure her knee and wrist.  This put her out for about two months and she asked me to cover for her. Being out on the court was awkward at first as I got my coordination back.  Once a week led to twice a week, which led to evening league (with men which was a big transition for me), which led to another evening league. I hit my limit the week I played four times.  I hurt in places I didn't even know I had. I've cut back to three times a week and even that is a bit intense.  I tweeked my right knee sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas and I am currently wearing an ace wrap almost all the time.  I also am developing tennis elbow which is really crumby. So, what have I learned from this experience? Even a good thing isn't good when it's taken to excess. 

 You can exercise too much, you can control your diet to the point of being unhealthy, you can travel so much that your home doesn't feel like home, you can over schedule your children, you can obsess about your home, your looks, your clothes and any number of things.  The principle that is needed here is moderation.  One of my favorite quotes right now is from Vincent Van Gogh "The best way to know God is to love many things." I also assert that the best way to enjoy life is to learn to love many things.  

That has been a difficult part of my grief journey as so many things hold pain for me and I have had to learn to love things like singing, listening to the radio, watching a movie, reading a book, taking a walk, visiting with friends, watching a sunset, having family dinners, praying, family activities.  All these things 
were so painful for a time but I have slowly been learning to love them again and letting the pain drain from my experience.  To those who are
struggling, just know it is possible.  I remember watching a movie about Bethany Hamilton (the competitive surfer who lost her arm to a shark attack). At one point in the movie she approached her father and asked if he could help her learn to surf again.  He told her it wasn't going to be easy and her response was, "I don't need easy, I just need possible." That's how I look at my challenges right now, not easy but possible.  Every time I have a moment when I cry my eyes out over something that wasn't supposed to be my job or I have a blow up with one of my children  or I day I'm so exhausted I finally give in and go back to bed I know that it will pass.  Tomorrow will come, the sun will rise, my children and my God will be here loving me and we will find one more tool, one more encouraging word, one more inspirational thought that will keep us all going. It won't be easy to find happiness in the little things and help my family heal but I KNOW IT IS POSSIBLE!

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Lessons From Elsa

Stop Selling Yourself Short

Fear and Faith

The Road Less Traveled By

I just finished watching a movie that really made me think.  Throughout the movie the main character experiences what you assume are flashbacks of her life while doing a stressful job.  In the end you learn that she was actually seeing into the future.  She saw her daughter, and the beautiful memories they would make, she also saw a terminal illness for her daughter that would eventually take her life and drive her father away. The interesting part of all this is that the movie implies that even knowing what she was going to face she still chose to fall for her husband and take that path.

Can you imagine if we lived in a world where time wasn't linear? How weird would that be? What if we could see into our future and really know the consequences of our choices and how it would impact who we would become? With a comprehensive perspective we could truly understand the impact of our today and make our tomorrows that much better...or would we put things off knowing there would be other opportunities or would we obsess about making decisions, fearful of making the wrong ones and never decide? Would we TOTALLY play it safe?

Knowing how I feel about myself and my capabilities and shortcomings I am certain I would not have chosen the path I am now walking for myself.  If someone had told me ten years ago I would have three children and marry and bury a husband in the next ten years I would have stopped dating for fear it might actually happen.  Nothing could have prepared me for the difficulties I have faced in that time; but at the same time no one could have accurately explained the moments of PURE JOY I would experience.  The most vivid memories I have are the day I married my husband, the birth of each of my children and a CA trip with my husband the year he passed. So, I guess the question is, would I give up those amazing parts in order to avoid the difficult times?  Honestly, I wouldn't give up the good stuff for anything and that is the reward of the hard days, I get to keep the good ones and not matter how bad it gets or how frustrated I feel I still have that good stuff to lean on.

In Robert Frost's well known poem "The Road Not Taken" he talks about choosing the road less traveled by.  Read the full poem here. What I find interesting about this poem is there's no obvious "right answer" when the two paths were originally evaluated and he even says after having passed down his chosen path that his passing "had worn them really about the same," so at the moment of choosing it didn't seem he was choosing the unpopular path or the easier or more difficult way but in the end he says, "I took the road less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." 

I used to want so badly to know what is coming next in my life (which wasn't helped by the interview question, "where do you see yourself in the next five/ten years") and I've been extremely impatient with the lack of direction I sometimes feel but one day as I pondered the thought came to me that if I had known ten years ago what was coming I would have been TERRIFIED; so much so that I wouldn't have made the same choices. So, I move into my next ten years with the understanding that it will be filled with challenges and joys beyond what I can now understand and hope for and trust that while this is NOT the path I would choose for myself it is what is best for me.  Good and bad the path I have chosen is the road less traveled by and I trust that choosing that path will make all the difference.

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